Hey all. Buckle up.
So, for context, I’m 18 and have a twin sister, my parents have been together for years and their relationship has lasted through some rough times where I didn’t think they’d stay together honestly. They were the love of each other’s lives for so long, but I think that’s long gone now.
A while ago, my sister caught my dad watching raunchy thirst traps in the living room, and he’s had a history with being caught watching porn (even though my mom has very clearly said she has issues with it) even around the rest of us.
It’s put a big strain on their marriage and my sister left to stay with family in another state (unrelated) and didn’t come home or talk to him for over two months because of it. Everything has cooled off since, and I guess I thought it would be smooth sailing.
My mom is a nurse, and she just recently left on a travel assignment, so she won’t be home for a few months, and my sister went with her so now it’s just me and my dad.
Just now, my best friend sent me screenshots of him commenting on a couple posts in a Facebook group of people in the area looking for a fwb. He responded to a couple dudes saying he was looking for a bi guy in our town, coincidentally right around the time my mom left. At first I was hoping it was a joke, but I checked and sure enough, the comments are there, on his actual account.
It’s currently past midnight, and everyone is asleep so I’m just stuck here praying this is all just a very uncomfortable dream. I knew he’s been watching porn on the couch, but I never in a million years expected him to try to cheat. And the most confusing part is that he’s a very right leaning republican, he worships trump and thinks making fun of minorities is the funniest thing ever, so for him to be looking for other men was an insane plot twist. Oh also, he’s a Jehovah’s Witness and very active in the community. And in case you didn’t know, the JWs hate unfaithfulness, porn, and gay people more than the latter two combined.
So far my friend and I are the only ones that know, and I’m just here trying to figure out what to do. Who do I approach first? What do I say? How do I make it so the world doesn’t implode the second I open my mouth? Is that even possible at this point??
And as ridiculously selfish as it sounds, I feel like I just cannot deal with this all right now. I’m so beyond stressed about a thousand other things, this was just the cherry on the shit cake. Help.
Comments
I think you should start by talking to your dad about it. Gather as much information as possible and try to figure out your next step
That’s way too much for you to be carrying alone, and honestly I’d screenshot everything and tell your mom when she’s somewhere safe. He made the mess, you’re just deciding if you let people keep pretending it’s not there.
It sounds like your father has little respect left for your mother’s feelings. Perhaps he’s having his own problems, identity crisis or whatever, but I don’t think it excuses his behavior. It’s not just affecting his marriage, but his relationship with his children as well.
If it were me, I’d probably tell mom at this point. He clearly wants other things and I think she deserves happiness as well.
Then again, this comes from a guy who never met his father and I really don’t know what it’s like to lgrow up loving both parents.
Let the man cook
We do what we can, when we can – it’s OK if you can’t handle this responsibility right now, you shouldn’t have to in the first place.
Your dad may become defensive to protect himself if you approach him directly. You may be an adult but you’re still a very young adult and there’s a parent/child power dynamic that you may have trouble challenging. I think it would be best to give this information to your mother, she has a right to know about problems in her relationship, regardless of where she is.
Being gay/bi is fine, but betraying your partner like this is absolutely vile (and dangerous). Your dad is handling his sexuality in a selfish and cowardly way.
Your mom may want to get an STI check too.
Tell your mom, send her everything