Hey everyone I need some advice. A little background me and my wife have been married for about a few years and have two little ones. I’ve done stuff I’m not to fond of in the past my wife forgave me but I was often emotionally distant but always tried my best in other aspects. I talked to other people but shut it down as I realized it was a dumb choice. Anyways I caught her flirting with multiple guys, mainly coworkers, apparently she was making plans with a coworker, kissing, sending explicit photos, calls for attention, claims she didn’t do anything sexual but she lied about things she did. I found out in an unexpected way. Don’t know if I should believe her. She was even saying she loved this coworker which is weird as supposedly they had only been talking for a month. On another note ever since I messed up I had been working hard the last year, physically, around the house and with the kids to prove I changed. However, I guess it wasn’t enough. Thoughts, advice?
Caught my wife cheating
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Sounds like your wife did not forgive you and harbored resentments which allowed her to justify the behavior she is doing. Seems like you both need to work the a counselor if you want to stay together.
You should talk to her about it.
Yeah doesn’t sound like she’s moved past it, sounds like she’s lost trust and either sub/conciously put the boot on the other foot.
Do not let your past justify her actions
Yes, your earlier mistakes hurt the marriage. But your past does not excuse her lying, cheating, or emotional betrayal now. Two wrongs don’t cancel out. You owned yours. It’s up to her to own hers without blaming you.
You have to be clear about what your “mistakes” were.
If you cheated in the past, this relationship has already been dead in the water. Regardless, if she’s cheating now, that’s a dealbreaker. Document everything and contact a divorce attorney.
You should get divorced and move to Thailand
Say good bye
Been there done that it’s over. Once they aren’t emotional invested you can start making plans to move on. While things are amicable you need to start the process bc once you’re out of the home you’ll start seeing people and boy do they not like that. Even if they have 5 guys on rotation the moment they see someone’s car parked outside your house you better buckle up bc you’ll be paying out the wazoo
You need to mourn your loss of your marriage and think about the next chapter in your life . Trust me she’s not your wife anymore. Treat her with respect and work towards divorce and 50:50 custody’s of your child.
She had two options first to forgive you and other to leave you but she chose to live with you you have done some things that you are not proud of but because she forgave you it doesn’t give validation to her acts now she is fully wrong in this place but give her a chance if you see guilt and want your childrens to grow in a peaceful environment
Leave her. This woman does not respect you, she does not love you, she does not care about you, she does not care about your little family. Yet, you allow her to live in your home. The fact that there are no consequences IS the reason she does this. You didn’t break this family, she did. You have no reason to feel guilty.
EXPERIENCE talking here. 12 years of Marriage.
Sooo I have ALWAYS said it is better to do things in front of each other not behind each other.
This has saved 3 marriages !!
Even my highly straight-laced traditional parents!!
My advice based on Reality and not armchair therapy.. is to propose to her you two can occasionally be with other people
(( you both already have !! and it’s normal)) BUT
HERE’s the rub … YOU BOTH MUST BE PRESENT IN EVERY ENCOUNTER !!
If the new beau or girl refuse then it’s a No-Go with NO EXCEPTIONS.
Preferably
She gets the beau and you get the girl. Heres what will happen. You BOTH will exercise the hallpass the first year often. After the first year you or her will not
“” stand the idea of my spouse being with the other person ” so barely any hallpasses will be exercised.
You both get to “date” virtually when the need arises, but it WILL BRING YOU TWO CLOSER. Neither one of you will feel “trapped” and “locked down”
YOU TWO MUST BE open and honest about any flirting going on. This is a trust situation.
MARRIAGE HAS FOUR MAJOR HURTLES !!
Get past 9 year mark and the odds of staying married goes up exponentially !!
The 3 year mark is the realization that two lives are now one and you become “daddy” and she becomes “mommy” which is NOT SEXY.
The 5 year mark is REALIZATION that this is the only sex partner i will have … ever
The 7 year mark is “Did I marry the right one”
The 9 year mark is the REALIZATION that this is my Life
Partner, we have wonderful kids, and we really enjoy each other’s company with or without the exercised hallpasses.
Finally .. the way to say it to each other is
“If you do it behind my back … it is cheating on me”
“If we do it together, we get a hallpass and its ok”
If you get to cheat w/o me, then i get to do the same”
ADMITTEDLY … that happened ONCE. she said it was driving her insane thinking of me loving another woman”
I said how do you think it made me feel you were loving another man”. After that maybe once a year we exercised the hallpass and we got really tight, and our family got even tighter.
My parents went on to have a 45 year marriage !!
The other two are still happily married 20 years later!!
P.S THIS ALSO cuts out the “wa wa euphoric feeling ”
Of being naughty and behind the back.
“I really like this guy” me .. ok we meet him. We meet I explain we do not do this often, but if you want her this is the deal. “You get a girl for me You get her”
Crazy but due to human nature and procreation wired inside of our brains … it works.
Do NOT DIVORCE OVER AN INDISCRETION !!
WORK IT OUT !!
I am a normal clean cut conservative as is my wife.
This advice is for anyone !!
You caused it, unfortunately it’s wounded her deeply and she didn’t forgive you. It’s time for the hard talk. Therapy or separation.
Op … show her my post. It’s a whole lot more than 3 people/relationships I saved. Many told me to write a book on it. Nah. Not interested.
SHOW HER the post with a snapshot !! Say it is a dating advice forum.
Sounds like she hasn’t totally forgiven you. Probably resentment boiling up inside leading her to do it. You could try couple’s counseling, but at this point, i think it’s a wrap. Might be time to find a divorce attorney. Whatever mistake you made with her in the past, i hope you learned from it and don’t do it to a future partner.
At least you both enjoy the same hobby.
You two sound like you’re not going to make it. Some people shouldn’t have kids.
Have an honest talk with her. Seems to me you both have been failing to communicate as a couple and have become as strangers living with each other. Decide if this marriage is over.
So you cheated first, became distant and now you’re upset because she did the same thing? Yall need to move on or completely start over.
Divorce and go live in Dollyville
It’s time to see a divorce lawyer
It’s over. Get a divorce and move on. Plan and simple.
You both should give people who you actually want to be with and stay faithful to or just be single
You 100 percent brought this on yourself by constantly acting the way you did over that course of time you have to take a backseat and let her do as she pleases for as long as she wants as many times as she wants. Eventually she will forgive you but this is just what you brought on yourself for the time being. Itll get better! Just stay strong and have empathy for her. Remember the past and its her turn now.
How did she handle your cheating?
It sucks when someone else treats you the way you treated them.
It sounds like she’s looking for love in all the wrong places, probably because you didn’t give enough love to her. That’s not blaming you or her, because I don’t think blame is helpful, just saying that it was a bad situation and now a bad result. I’m sorry, that sucks.
I agree, better communication can turn all of this around, and there will have to be a few big changes too
When one person cheats and the other finds out, there is irreparable damage done with the trust and love being gone completely by the partner. Most women do not regain those feelings once violated. If you both do not address it by counseling and so forth, it is very hard to come back from that. It sounds like to me that she has already checked out emotionally from you, and your relationship is in the death throws of a white dwarf. Sorry, it sounds like you were trying, but without addressing the real issues within your marriage as to why you cheated in the first place, I do not see your marriage lasting.
You broke trust and she didn’t forgive it. Now she doubled down and you have to decide if you want to forgive it. You’re mess doesn’t give her permission to cheat, but you’ll both need to dive deeper on why it happened and what you can do to fix it or you can both walk away before more damage occurs.
I believe there is no room for cheating from the women’s end,
You should talk to her and separate you ways, cuz she’ll do cheat again, you need to take decision either to stay & suffer or simply leave. Start a new journey.
That attention she desired from you, she sought and found it from someone else. If she’s willing, find a great marriage therapist (check their credentials and reviews) sounds like the 2 of you can fix things. It’s marriage and this sounds like something that will strengthen your marriage once the 2 of you prove your family is the most important value.
You aren’t being up front on your past to us, just glossing over. Your wife “forgave” you, but did you actually do anything different? How did you show you repented and acknowledged your wrong and rebuilt trust? Big betrayals or hurts don’t just go away, at best they heal and you have scar tissue and never have the same relationship. At worst, they fester and I bet you got fester by not really dealing with things and performative along got and getting “forgiven”.
Heck, did you two even talk about what forgiveness means? Did you just jump to physically doing more work? I see you mentioned what you did, but really, most women want more than physical work from a partner and without knowing what you did, I can’t say if your changes would seem effective if I were the other person. If you had an emotionally damaging thing you did, you have to deal with it on the same level, like if you cheated, let her see your phone whenever she wants. If you were going out to bars, stop doing that, etc
I’m agreeing with everyone who said, she probably didn’t really forgive you and is resentful. Also, usually people who cheat aren’t getting something from a relationship. Maybe it’s because she withdrew because she was hurt, maybe she needs you to listen to her better, what do I know. Your hands aren’t clean in this and please don’t play the victim.
You said you have little kids. That’s also a really stressful time in your lives. You both made mistakes, I don’t advise jumping to divorce, plus if you break up like this and you’re upset coparenting will be awful. If you two can get along enough to make it work, that’s best.
Talk to her honestly, say you’re hurt but you love her and want to work through it. Maybe acknowledge that she could still be hurt from before. Heck, check online for better advice on how to handle that conversation or get a book. I also highly advise counseling.
The other comments about being upfront and allowing play with other people, also a great idea if you’re both into that. However, if you two lack trust now isn’t the time. Look into that as an option once you get through this.
I wouldn’t worry about her being “in love” with her coworker, it’s just the being enamored phase, it will go away, it’s only a month like you said.
Good luck and I’m hoping you two can pull through this.
In her mind since you did what you did her doing, this is her way of getting back making it even though it’s not right. That’s just what people seem to think and no matter how hard you try you need to do it for the kids and as much as you like those kids I would still get them tested and I would think of ways to remove yourself from the marriage because I don’t think she’s ever going to take you seriously. Whatever you did in the past hurt her so much that she’s willing to do this. That’s just wrong. It’s not right that what you did but you did it and it’s in the past. You can’t change the past. You can only change the future and if you’re trying as hard as you say you were and she’s just not reciprocating then who knows
How bad was your mistake maybe or she has fallen out of love a long time ago with you
Once you got caught cheating you should’ve broke it off. Women act out of emotions and once someone else give them that attention they will give in. Also, just the fact that she know you did something wrong. Now there’s no reason for her to be loyal to you.