I’ve(33F) been with my partner J (37M) for over 5 years. They are my best friend and we are very compatible in a lot of ways. But before I met them my life involved a lot of change. I moved a lot, changed jobs, had lots of new experiences and met lots of new people.
I moved across the country for a job and met them at work (no longer work there, haven’t for over 3 years). I now work remotely at a well paying stable job that I generally enjoy.
The problem is that this place I live is where all of Js family and friends are, and J doesn’t really want to move ever. It’s always a “future” plan.
It’s a very red area with harsh and long winters and not too much to do without driving over an hour. I want to live somewhere else because I’m bored and don’t enjoy this place. I think living in Southern California (either LA or San Diego) would be cool. I’ve also considered parts of Washington state or even Chicago. But the winters are what I hate the most so I think I’d try California. J has said he would live in California because of the weather but it’s always theoretical and never reality. J also does not have a remote job and would have to find something prior to moving.
I try to keep myself occupied with hobbies and solo and combo travel, but I just have this craving to live somewhere else.
How do I know that I actually want this? Has anyone left a good relationship for something they weren’t sure about? I try to fulfill myself in multiple ways but I’ve never looked at whatever situation I’m in as permanent. Yet I’ve been here for 5 years now and it’s getting ridiculous.
Getting an Airbnb somewhere for like a month sounds good in theory but I have cats I don’t want to leave for weeks at a time and it’s also pretty expensive.
I’m bored. I feel like I’m checked out of this relationship sometimes and then other times I want to be with J forever.
We have had issues outside of this, where I’ve carried the mental load for years. I finally hit my breaking point late last year and told J I was done. We were still living together but it seems like J finally took me seriously because they completely changed. In some ways it feels too late but maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to leave? I’m not sexually attracted to J most of the time because of these issues but sometimes I am.
I worry that I’m not wasting my life but that I’m missing out. But I’ve always heard the phrase “wherever you go, there you are”. My problems will follow me wherever I move, and not only would I be living somewhere I don’t know anyone, but I’d have lost my best friend.
I am in therapy but man I just feel lost.
Any advice appreciated.