This may be a long post but going to try to be full disclosure as possible (not something I ever do)
My wife is five years older than me and years ago, injured her knee, which has progressively gotten worse. Also, many years ago now, I took a vacation from reality (literally…🏥) and tho it was an actual, documented mental issue, it caused a lot of hurt and separation. She’s says she’s past it, I never will totally not feel like sh*t about it.
While apart, I found myself getting back into some is the hobbies that I had to pushed to the background. When we got been back together, we seemed to find a good balance of being together and enjoying our own interests.
Still, we do almost everything together.
I’m the last year or so, her mobility issues have made things more difficult. She calculates car rides based upon how long she can sit, restaurants have to have regular seating available, no high tops. Even though I drive, she’s not always comfortable going out at night. We work around these issues and, while I consider them when making plans, I don’t do it grudgingly.
Lately, though, some things have come up that make me wonder how to handle our different levels of interest in doing things.
A couple of concerts that I’d like to go to are further away, going away on vacation (she’s worried about flying (not scared, just worried about it) and extended walking/exploring vacation spots.
Going by myself makes me feel guilty, no matter how much she insists it’s fine and is encouraging. Not going I feel FOMO and some resentment, no matter how much I say it doesn’t matter.
It might sound weird but how do you handle going out and having fun on your own? If you’ve done everything together, how do you feel if your partner is going out alone, now? Should you just accept the reassurances that it’s okay? How do you have that discussion?
TL;DR how do you deal with activities when you or your partner’s interests/abilities change?
Comments
My partner is fine health wise, but is highly introverted and really just not into most of the stuff I am. I have a very rich social life and do a lot with friends. I don’t feel guilty at all, including about the fact that I’m a woman and most of my activities are populated by men (not by my choice, it’s just the nature of them). I also can’t imagine a life where I do everything with my partner, too many emotional eggs in one basket plus my god, I want to talk to my friends sometimes about stuff he doesn’t care about and that means alone time.
It sounds like you’re aware this is a you thing, and that’s great. In your shoes I’d gently force myself through those feelings. Maybe something like try going alone or with friends for things that you know she might like but not love. Acclimate to that level of discomfort, see how your relationship dynamic is changing or not, then start branching out.
In the meantime, make sure you have a couple special activities that you only do with your wife. My partner got me into fishing and though I have a few friends who also fish, I only go fishing with him because that’s an “us” thing. When I travel and he’s not with me, I carry a small stuffed animal that reminds me of him and send him pictures of the stuffed animal having adventures.
Maybe consider getting her knee fixed? Seems like a no brainer for quality of life. Now and forever.
We have many shared interests. And several different ones.
Our mobility is also about the same but his knee gives out so we
accommodate each other. We always have practiced shared and individual interests but not separate vacations. he golfs and I do not. We each have buddies that we see alone as
Well as couple friends. just the other day I noticed a carnival
( not
The cruise) postcard on his desk. I commented, and then he looked up and said he was going to do it by himself because he remembered that it’s not my thing.
You wondered about a way to have a discussion that you would go places without her like those concerts. Well, remember when you were dating? Each of you brought your own individuality to the table. Your differences is what made each of you attract each other not not just your commonalities. Maybe that would help you become it ease with exploring your own activities? The other thing I suggest is get a few books from the library to read up on this so you’ll see that besides Reddit there are many people who have been in your shoes
One of my husband’s hobbies has him going on a guy’s trip twice a year, even though I enjoy the same hobby. I honestly don’t mind. It’s nice to stretch out across the bed, not hear any snoring and just have a weekend to myself to do whatever I want, or nothing at all.
I don’t know your wife, but she may feel the same. She probably doesn’t want to hold you back either and may feel guilty if she does, even though it’s due to health reasons and not disinterest.
Talk to her about how you feel and ask for her honest feedback. You may find that she enjoys being on her own while you venture out, or that she wishes you wouldn’t go. Either way, at least you’ll know. Communication is vital in any relationship, but especially in a marriage.
If you go out on your own does she seem to resent it? If she’s saying she’s okay with it, I’d go ahead and do it. Just see how it goes. I honestly wish my husband would go out and do more stuff on his own or with friends. I don’t like feeling responsible for all his leisure time. Just make sure you also make time for your wife and I bet she’ll be fine.
My partner is much more introverted than I am.
She is insistent I do the things I love, I fish, play golf, ski (ski patroller), I on line game board and fps.
We both read and keep up with our kids and grandkids, we like board games, we both love music.
She has PTSD from her youth and as an adult, escaped the evangelical church. She has some physical issues but still walks her dog several times every day.
We were high school sweethearts and reacquainted a few years ago. We support each other.
The discussion just needs to be straight forward. It might be you need to talk to a professional together.