I don’t come from a very religious family and she really does. We have been dating for about a year and a half now, and I’ve been wondering how exactly we’re supposed to approach intimacy. Our plan is to date until we’re done with our two year degrees and start marriage soon after, but the process is going to take about 4 more years now. I was told when I was younger to “ride in the vehicle before buying it” being raise in a fairly sex positive household. while I’m okay with No sex and sleeping within the same confines together, I’m still working through what i was taught as a child as i still very much desire closeness and making out. I don’t want to be selfish, but I really want these things too. She’s also very scared of pregnancy, which is completely understandable, so I thought I solution would be to stop getting “heavy” around her, but about a day in i realized that was probably the worst idea I ever had. I want her to feel more comfortable around me, but to do that do I have to repress my desires? Other than this little dilemma I’ve been having there are genuinely no problems in our relationship. I just want to approach this in the right way.
TL;DR: Please give me advice on how to handle urges for the sake of a relationship.
Comments
This is an incompatibility and a very good reason to break up with someone. Waiting until you’re married to learn that you’re sexually incompatible sounds horrible.
>She’s also very scared of pregnancy, which is completely understandable, so I thought I solution would be to stop getting “heavy” around her, but about a day in i realized that was probably the worst idea I ever had.
I mean, if your goal is to last 4 years then it really isn’t the bad approach. Getting heavy is just begging for you to accidentally take it too far and even if she agrees in the moment you already know that afterwards she’d be profoundly upset. Not playing with fire is always sound advice and ultimately that’s what you edging yourself like that is doing.
And yeah, you have to decide if a values clash like that is something you can live with, if 4 years of this is healthy or sensible, if even after marriage this dynamic will ever be what you hope it will be. While the ‘ride the vehicle’ analogy is maybe a bit crass I’d say you are gambling a huge amount of time, emotion, frustration, marriage and etc on you being compatible later and to me that seems a bad idea.
There’s also considerations about what her faith will mean in terms of living together, raising kids and etc. And, let’s be real here… you met her when 17. The idea this is going to be your lifetime partner is already a big enough dice roll as it is.
If you haven’t already, you need to talk to her. What is she comfortable with? Communication is gonna be exceptionally important because religious beliefs, or non religious in your case, can cause significant friction. What you’re gonna have to decide is how long your needs for intimacy be unmet because of her religious beliefs.
Neither of you are wrong here. It’s important that you understand that. Her religious beliefs and her abstinence are completely valid as are your desires for intimacy. A compromise will need to be found though other wise you’ll resent her for not showing you the intimacy you want or she’ll resent you for pressuring her into intimacy she didn’t want.
You should also understand that, sometimes, these sorts of differences are irreconcilable. Right now? It’s intimacy. But later? What kind of wedding would you have? What kind of expectations would be placed on you by her faith? Would she, or her family, expect you to convert?Would any children be brought up in her faith? How strictly would you be expected to adhere to any religious beliefs?