Hey guys, I (27F) have been talking to a guy (29M) I met travelling in December. It was immediately very passionate and love-dumpy which I have never experienced before and we spent every second together for 1 month. Lots of grand gestures like gifts, love-dumping and intensity initiated by him. I continued to travel until February and he left early January. We have spoken back and forth virtually everyday since then, until 1 month ago. I have began to feel insecure which is completely unlike me, and I am getting completely obsessed and he is occupying all my thoughts, it doesn’t help I’m unemployed so I have so much time to ruminate.
I didn’t expect the relationship to make it past travelling but he invited me for dinner on Valentine’s Day. We live on opposite sides of the country, so it’s going to be hard to make it work. He is also in the military and will be getting deployed for around 8 months soon. I can feel him pulling away despite joking about marriage and having babies for the first 3 months etc.
A few days ago I sent him a text saying ‘hey Im getting the impression you don’t want to talk to anymore, I want to know what you’re thinking’ and he hasn’t responded. I hate how I worded it and now I feel like I’ve completely fucked it up by being insecure. He will usually reply every other day with a voice note and now I realise that is sort of a lot (although sometimes 4 days no communication). Obviously he’s getting deployed for 8 months so he is limited anyway.
TL;DR: let my anxiety get the best of me and messaged a guy I have been seeing for 4 months for clarification and I have been ghosted for 2 days. Was my response reasonable? If he doesn’t respond should I leave it?
Comments
You didn’t fuck up anything. I don’t have information about him, but sounds like a person who’s not very stable emotionally speaking (thus emotionally unsafe). The intensity of the feelings are usually and generally a red flag, especially since they didn’t have enough time to develop and it’s mostly a “manufactured” intimacy (joking about marriage and babies and probably other stuff too when he knew he’s not serious about you- sounds like emotional manipulation). Second red flag is him retreating and distancing without saying anything (your reaction is not insecurity, it’s justified given the context and his behavior). And third red flag is basically ignoring your text/ghosting you.
I recommend you move on and go no contact with this person. And do not let him rail his way back into your life. Block him everywhere and don’t allow disingenuous people from playing with your mind and your feelings anymore (even if he’s busy, getting deployed, it would take him literally max 30 seconds to write to you that he’s busy and will come back when he can talk). Don’t make excuses for bad treatment and poor behavior.
It sounds like he created a situation where you became emotionally “addicted” to the connection and now he’s in the distancing phase. People who are emotionally safe will communicate with you. I think you’re better off. If he didn’t play the love bomb and manufactured intimacy card, I would have had more slack for him. But it’s pretty clear you’re in the realms of someone at least emotionally unhealthy. Distance yourself.
I know this is easier said than done, if you need additional help and support I’d suggest friends and therapy.