I (30m) have a close friend (29f) whom I’ve known for almost our whole adult lives. We’ve worked together, hung out together, train together, we even lived together for a short period while she was between two apartments. I consider her a close friend who I’d make time for if she ever needed something, and I’d trust her to do the same.
Recently I helped her move into a new apartment. We spent a day moving her stuff, fixing up the new apartment, clean the old place and grab a few beers by the evening. All good.
A few days afterwards, I happened to run into a mutual friend. We chatted for a bit and then she asked me if, let’s call her Megan, had moved in yet. I was a bit confused about what she meant, so she talked about how nice it was that Megan was moving in with my friend after dating for the past year.
The road home afterwards happened to pass by her new place. Sure enough, Megan’s name was on the mailbox by now.
Looking back I realize this isn’t something that just hasn’t had a chance to come up naturally but rather something she has actively kept hidden or lied about.
She’s got a right to her own private life and part of me is honestly super happy for her sake! But at the same time it feels awkward as hell and kind of hurtful that my close friend doesn’t want me to know about her relationship, even as I’m helping her move into this home they’ll be sharing.
Next week she asked me to come over to help install some curtains and shelves and whatnot in exchange for lunch and some beers afterwards. If Megan has moved in by then I suppose I’ll get to meet her but I honestly don’t even know how to approach it. Am I being unreasonable for feeling hurt by this? She doesn’t owe me any excuse or explanation but isn’t this something that friends usually share with each other?
TL;DR, close friend actively hid a relationship from me for the past year. Not sure what to feel about it.
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Backup of the post’s body: I (30m) have a close friend (29f) whom I’ve known for almost our whole adult lives. We’ve worked together, hung out together, train together, we even lived together for a short period while she was between two apartments. I consider her a close friend who I’d make time for if she ever needed something, and I’d trust her to do the same.
Recently I helped her move into a new apartment. We spent a day moving her stuff, fixing up the new apartment, clean the old place and grab a few beers by the evening. All good.
A few days afterwards, I happened to run into a mutual friend. We chatted for a bit and then she asked me if, let’s call her Megan, had moved in yet. I was a bit confused about what she meant, so she talked about how nice it was that Megan was moving in with my friend after dating for the past year.
The road home afterwards happened to pass by her new place. Sure enough, Megan’s name was on the mailbox by now.
Looking back I realize this isn’t something that just hasn’t had a chance to come up naturally but rather something she has actively kept hidden or lied about.
She’s got a right to her own private life and part of me is honestly super happy for her sake! But at the same time it feels awkward as hell and kind of hurtful that my close friend doesn’t want me to know about her relationship, even as I’m helping her move into this home they’ll be sharing.
Next week she asked me to come over to help install some curtains and shelves and whatnot in exchange for lunch and some beers afterwards. If Megan has moved in by then I suppose I’ll get to meet her but I honestly don’t even know how to approach it. Am I being unreasonable for feeling hurt by this? She doesn’t owe me any excuse or explanation but isn’t this something that friends usually share with each other?
TL;DR, close friend actively hid a relationship from me for the past year. Not sure what to feel about it.
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You are a handyman first … A friend second.
Do a bad job on the curtains and the truth will set you free.
You can feel hurt, but like you said she doesn’t have to explain either. I have a couple of really close friends. We hang out all the time and even our kids call each other cousins and my friends Aunt and Uncle. But I don’t tell them everything about my private life unless I’m asking for advice.
Sounds like you might have a subconscious crush on her and that’s why you are feeling hurt
Were you aware that your friend was lesbian and/or bi? And if not, is there a chance she might think you’d have a problem with the fact that she is? This is the only explanation I can come up with as to why she’s kept it hidden from you.
When you go to help her, I would just bring it up in a supportive non-judgemental way. Hey, I ran into ___ and they told me that this apartment is for you and your girlfriend Megan. I’m so happy for you… but also wondering why you haven’t told me about her or introduced us yet. I hope I’ve never made you feel like you couldnt confide in me about these things.” From there, you’ll probably get some answers. Do your best to not be defensive if she shares some concerns. And just emphasize that you’re happy for her, love her as a friend, and just want to make sure that everything is OK between the two of you.
Despite whatever her reasoning is, it is still weird someone you’ve know that long, to hide a relationship of that length.
Maybe she thought you’d be hurt at first, and then thought it was too late after it’d been a while? Not condoning lying to a good mate; just providing a couple possibilities in terms of her potential reasoning that will hopefully let you see that you’re not the problem. 🤗
lowkey think she might’ve been into you at some point and didn’t know how to bring it up once she moved on. or she knew you’d react weird. either way it’s messy and you’re valid for feeling weird about it
Probably the concerning issue is why she felt the need to hide it from you but other mutual friends knew about it the whole time . She doesn’t have to disclose her private life but obviously did with everyone EXCEPT you . I’d be questioning the strength of the friendship
i’d feel kinda hurt too ngl. being close and not knowing something that big? yeah that’s rough.
Between her and her partner, they can figure out how to put curtains and shelves up themselves, surely?
Ask her, “How come Negan isn’t helping you hang curtains?”
See what she says
Updateme
I would let her know that you found out from a mutual friend, and how hurt you are by that. Then find out why she is hiding it from you.
Updateme
You’re not her friend. She might be someone you thought was your friend, but now you know you were just roommates for her. I wouldn’t even bring it up to be honest, both of you can go live your best lives separately with no worries ..and start now – don’t let yourself be hurt by this since I don’t see either one of you at fault here really 🤷♀️
Coming out is a bi***. And trust me, it’s the people closest to us who we are afraid to tell… Anyway, beyond that, I’d suggest, even after knowing what you know, let her tell you when she’s ready. Most attempts to start that conversation might sound like an attack. And yes, feeling hurt is a reasonable emotion. And trust me, she knows you got her. We don’t just invite anyone to help us move. Let alone those who actually show up…