Communication skills in relationship (27F/28M)

Tl;dr: Communication skills from my boyfriend and perceived lying are damaging us and idk how to fix it, or how much of this is my fault.

I hate turning to reddit for this, but I’m at a breaking point. I (27F) have been dating my partner (28M) for a little over one year now.

As our relationship went on, for the first six months I dealt with a significant amount of trauma that eroded my mental health. We had a hard conversation about maybe taking a break, but ultimately decided against it. We laid out our needs very clearly: I needed better communication from him, and he needed me to get better at regulating my emotional state. I went back to therapy to honor that and there has been substantial progress. He said he’d work on his communication, but I honestly don’t feel like he has.

Since then, I like to think that we have been doing okay. But, since day one (even back before my mental health eroded) he has struggled to talk to me. About his struggles, about things in the relationship, anything.

I think of myself as an easy communicator. I believe in (1) asking the person if they have bandwidth; (2) asking direct questions and (3) being receptive to listening and understanding. I don’t have these issues with anyone else in my life.

Every time I ask him how we’re doing, he tells me that we are fine until I dig a little deeper, and then bam – there’s suddenly an issue that he didn’t want to tell me about. I am always the one who has to share that my feelings were hurt and I need something different, at which point he then tells me he didn’t like something either.

I finally snapped a few days ago and cornered him about how his poor communication with me is hurting me. I emphasized that good communication is the bedrock of a good relationship, and that avoiding conflict doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

He said he was shocked that he was this bad at communicating. He explained a defensive mechanism that he had developed as a child is causing it. I told him that I have patience and am here to help him work though it, but honestly, this has weighed me down so much that I’m almost nervous to see him. I never know where we stand.

Even outside of that, he has been talking to people around him including an ex calling me his friend. Saying I’m difficult to get along with. But then, to me, he says that everything is fine and he wants to move in with me. I’m not sure how much of this has to do with me being a transgender woman and a lot of his community being quite conservative.

I want to make things work with him. But I’m so tired. I struggle to trust him right now, and I know that’s something that I need to work on. It’s adding to my anxiety and certainly not good for the relationship.

I want us to stay together because, despite everything, I can see a future with him. But I don’t know where to go from here. I feel crazy and maybe I’m the issue all along?

I would love advice. Thanks for sticking with me on such a long post.