My boyfriend and I (both 24) have known each other since we were 14, and our relationship has been on-and-off over the years, mostly due to his struggles with depression. We officially got back together in January of this year, and up until recently, things were honestly amazing. He treated me so well, was super present and communicative, and even planned a really sweet weekend getaway for us just a few weeks ago.
But shortly after that trip, things have felt off. He’s been cancelling plans on days when he gets off work early — just to play video games with his friends. (He plays most nights, like 5 out of 7.) Meanwhile, I’m only seeing him from Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon, even though I’ve offered to come over on weeknights when he has free time. I genuinely don’t think I’m being clingy here — I just want one night together during the week, especially since he talks about marriage and us moving in eventually.
The last few nights, he’s left me on delivered for 5–7 hours, usually just gaming or napping. We haven’t been talking on the phone like we used to, and I haven’t seen him in a while. I feel like I’m barely in his life right now.
What really threw me was last weekend — he snapped at me over something so minor. We were spooning and I made a comment about a TV character that he disagreed with, and he suddenly said: “He didn’t F*CKING say it like that!” It was really jarring and totally out of nowhere. I started crying and told him that’s not okay, and to his credit, he apologized and didn’t get defensive. Still, it shook me.
He did just start a new antidepressant about a month ago, and I’ve been wondering if that could be affecting his emotions or energy toward me. But it also feels like maybe he’s pulling away emotionally — like he’s losing interest and doesn’t know how to say it. Or maybe I just need to give him space. I really don’t know. I’m not asking for much as it is, and I’m running out of room to “pull back.”
What are some next steps I can take in this situation?
I’d really appreciate any advice or questions — I’m open. I just want some clarity before I spiral further.
TL;DR:
My boyfriend (24M) and I (24F) were doing great until a few weeks ago. Now he’s cancelling plans, barely texting, and snapped at me over something small. He recently started a new antidepressant, so I’m not sure if that’s affecting his behavior, or if he’s pulling away emotionally. I don’t know how to approach this or what to do next.
Comments
On again, off again means it mostly doesn’t work. Your little honeymoon period has worn off, he’s getting his dopamine from video games now. Wake up, this relationship has almost worked for a decade, which means it doesn’t actually work. Go find someone who is tripping over himself to spend more than a night a week with you.
It definitely could be the change in medication. Antidepressants tend to take about 6-8 weeks to really ‘settle into’ the system and it’s not uncommon for people to feel worse, or agitated, on a change in medication before their body gets used to it. Different medications also suit or don’t suit different people, so it may be this particular one isn’t suited to him. He needs to keep an eye on this and if he is still feeling this way in another couple of weeks, discuss with his doctor.
However. And I’m going to say this as someone who has had a severe mood disorder since I was 15, and I’m now 34, so I’m not saying it without empathy or understanding of what depression is like or long term management of it entails.
You’ve been off and on for 10 years due to his mental health. You’ve only been back together for 7 months max and he’s already speaking badly to you. Yes, reacting to something as innocuous as a different opinion on a TV show character like he did is speaking badly to you. Everyone does things like this as a one off, nobody is perfect all the time, but it sounds like this is a pattern of behaviour that has happened over and over and over.
What is he doing to manage his depression and the way he reacts to it? Ok, he’s started new medication. But what tools has he put in place to manage and temper his emotional responses? I know he’s young but he’s had 10 years to do this, so by now I would expect him to use more tools and behaviours than just withdrawing like he is when he is slipping. If you have a disorder it’s your responsibility to actively manage it, not passively allow damaging behaviour towards others.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is – is this the sameeee old dance you’ve been doing with him for 10 years? I get it, depression is hard. But it’s on him, and only him, to change his responses and behaviours to it. If he hasn’t for that length of time… idk man.
YOU can’t really do anything about it. It’s on him to recognise his warning signs and implement different things to try and stop a mood shift – like approaching his doctor, working with a therapist and actually implementing what they teach day to day, communicating with loved ones for support – and to me it sounds like he potentially isn’t.