Throwaway account for obvious reasons. Curious to hear everyone’s opinion on how they’d feel and best way to approach this.
My partner (30F) and I (30M) have been in an exclusive relationship for about 1.5 years. She was previously married before we started dating, with our relationship starting ~6 months after her divorce.
At the beginning of our relationship, she communicated how she wasn’t in a loving marriage, felt alone, carried all the weight, stuck in a dead bedroom, etc.
After a few months of dating, she informs me she actually cheated on her ex husband with a guy (let’s call him Bob) she’s known since college and also hooked up with once back in 2016.
Her and Bob, who happens to be her cousins best friend, had a drunken hookup in early 2023 while she was out of state and her ex was at home struggling with his mental health.
She said it was “only a make out”, but also said she wanted to bang and was shut down by Bob. She accepted some accountability, while also saying she was “egged on” by her cousin, and they were “blackout hammered” (neither are great excuses).
She returned to her ex, didn’t say a word (but felt soooo guilty…), and ended up divorcing the guy 6 months later. Originally I was told she cheated 2 weeks before her divorce, which I’ve since learned is inaccurate.
I find all this out ~6 months after we started dating. I believe she was honest, but also left out info I’ve since learned about over the last few months…such as who she cheated with and their prior history, the timeline of cheating -> divorce, and the aftermath with her ex (or lack thereof).
2 months into us dating (as I was on vacation), she went to a bday party with her cousin, multiple friends, and of course, Bob. I thought nothing of it at the time.
She’s adamant nothing happened on party bus day. Says she barely talked to Bob (despite staying at the same house, albeit in different rooms…) and told her cousin to “not encourage anything” as we were seeing each other.
My partner and I have a wonderful loving relationship. We communicate well, have a great sex life, enjoy each other’s company, etc.
Despite multiple conversations, I’m still struggling with feelings of betrayal / distrust related to :
1) her Cheating and going back to her ex like nothing happened and
2) what feels like trickle truthing me, and going on the party bus with Bob who I since learned about after the fact.
I get her past is her past (we all have one), but something in my gut feels off.
Looking for advice on:
1) How to communicate my feelings of betrayal and distrust in a productive / healthy manner.. (she gets defensive and says I don’t trust her when I’ve brought up previously).
2) How to proceed from here
Comments
At a minimum, she can’t hang with Bob alone.
Also, Bob fucking sucks. Who bangs a married person?
Feel like your relationship sounds pretty chill so I’d just tell her you’re uncomfortable with her being with Bob alone at any point. People definitely make mistakes but it depends on the context of their recovery.
The obvious advice is to communicate your feelings clearly to her and see how she responds.
I think something that’s been useful for me personally when judging people’s past actions is how they handled it in the context of being ‘caught.’ If they never came forward with the truth and only got caught in lies, that’s a pretty big red flag in how they are morally.
Either way doesn’t sound like a dealbreaker to me unless she’s really weird in how you guys talk about it. Good luck!
Your feelings are valid. This isn’t about her past it’s about the lack of full honesty. Let her know it’s hard to build trust when things come out slowly. If she stays defensive, couples therapy could help. Trust needs openness on both sides.