TL;DR:
My wife (38F) and I (36M) are expecting a baby via surrogate, but she refuses to change her lifestyle or contribute to raising the child. She says childcare is solely the man’s responsibility and won’t even take maternity leave. I lost my job 6 months ago, and she’s been unsupportive, calling me useless. I’m considering divorce but worried she’ll get custody and leave the baby with her parents. I want what’s best for the child, but I feel completely alone in this. Not sure what to do.
Full:
I’m 36m and my wife 38w are considering getting a divorce. I lost my job and haven’t been able to secure a new one in the last 6 month. We also have a surrogate having our baby in her 2nd trimester.
The reason we are considering a divorce. I noticed after taking care of our dog for the last 8 years that my wife doesn’t contribute at all to taking care of them. I brought up that after we have the baby that we needed to have some change in our lifestyle to help raise a family. She directly said she is not willing to change and give up any part of her lifestyle and her priority will still be herself and her income will contribute to that lifestyle. The expenses of the kid would be the sole responsibility of the man and we would need to hire help as she didn’t want the child to affect her career and lifestyle. This is also the reason she has been pushing me to find a job ASAP as she thinks it is my responsibility to provide for the child. She goes as far as to say that I’m useless and if I can’t contribute to the income why do I need you.
For context, we are/were both in investment banking and she took a gap year the year before for IVF and was able to secure a new job recently. During her gap year I was very supportive of her and never complained about her spending habits. She would constantly go on vacation, spending thousands every month, saying she wouldn’t have time if she was working and even less after the child was born. Yet, when I was laid off she was the opposite, constantly complaining and saying why can’t I be like her and secure a job right away.
She even went on by saying after the child is born she won’t be taking any maternity leave as she thinks it’s pointless as that time would only be spent taking care of the child and it’s might affect her career trajectory. She thinks it better to either give the infant to a nanny or to our parents. I told her that it’s not just about taking care of the child but spending time with them, which she again thought was pointless.
I’ve now come to the conclusion that it doesn’t really matter if I’m with her as she won’t contribute in any way for this child. She even mentioned that if we get a divorce that there is no way I would get the child as I’m currently unemployed, but I’m worried as she said she would just throw the child to her parents to raise them, so it wouldn’t affect her lifestyle.
FYI. The reason we decided to have a child in the first place as we weren’t having any big issues when we were both working. We were both making good money and most expenses were covered. We wanted to start a family, but I faimed to?consider that my wife was so inflexible and it was just a phase as it was just the two of us.
I’m not sure what I should do? On one hand, I think divorce is the best option for me as I can already see she doesn’t appreciate me and only cares about money and her life. Even if we continue together and I find a job it might be ok for awhile until something unexpected happens again. While on the hand I want the child to have a normal family so I don’t have them grow up with only one parent or even worse with only grandparents (If my wife gets custody). Any comments would be helpful.