My wife (27F) and I (26M) have been grieving the death of our baby, she would have been our first.
I mentioned in a previous post, a letter to my daughter I was encouraged to write by my therapist. That we had come to an agreement that this year, 2025, as a way to move on and distract ourselves from the overwhelming sorrow we’ve been experiencing, we would celebrate every birthday, holiday, any event possible.
We just celebrated our anniversary, 2 years married and 7 together in total. Our game-plan for 25 has helped a little bit. We go days at a time without tears but as also mentioned in that letter we have our private teary moments.
Some nights I’ll wake up to the sound of the shower running and I’ll hear her sobbing in the shower. Not everyday, but I would say once a week. I feel the need to intervene, hold her, console her. As tragic as this experience is for me it’s nowhere near what she must be feeling having carried the baby all 9 months.
But for whatever reason I feel like it’s best I let her have that moment and feel what she wants to feel.
My therapy sessions have been helpful. I’ve encouraged her to go but to her credit it’s difficult finding the time with her work schedule (nights).
Yesterday was a good day for her. No tears, lot of laughter, lot of smiles. It was good to see her let loose again. I feel like this may be a sign that what we’re doing is working. I just can’t shake the feeling that I could be doing more for her as a partner.
Should I just let her feel her emotions in private like she has been?
(Apologies for the lack of clarification, my letter in r/depression fills a lot of the gaps)
Comments
I think a general “I am here and ready to talk when you are” is the best approach.
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She could benefit from grief counseling. Could she do therapy sessions over zoom at a time that works with her schedule? There are many options for that now.
I don’t have any advice, but you’re doing a great job and I wish you both good luck healing.
Your instincts are already so loving and thoughtful! You’re doing a lot right. The fact that you’re even asking if you could be doing more shows how committed you are to your wife’s healing and your shared grief journey.
You mention it’s not the same for you because you didn’t carry the baby and while that’s true biologically, your loss is equally valid. Grief doesn’t need to be compared. She needs your healing too, because it’s a shared wound. You might consider sharing more of your feelings with her too, if the timing ever feels right. Sometimes grieving together creates a powerful, mutual support system.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby too. It changed me forever. I personally needed the shower cries. I remember trying so hard to put on a face so I didn’t burden everyone around me even when they were so so supportive. I was holding a lot of shame and a lot of guilt and the shower cries helped. I remember my husband asking if I wanted him to sit in the bathroom with me so I wouldn’t be alone. I didn’t, but I did appreciate the offer of support. I didn’t take the therapy but I did find talking to people who experienced similar loss really bloody helped.
My boy would be 7. I miss him every day and that’s ok. I write him birthday cards and notes. I tell everyone about him even if it makes them feel uncomfortable because he is part of my life.
Grief is strange and you build your world back around it even when that seems impossible.
I hope every year is easier for you and your wife.
My husband let me know that he was aware I was sobbing in the shower and he was worried about me. I told him I was OK but I needed space to process and grieve (a tremendously different situation – I am SO sorry for your loss). It’s OK to let her know but also OK to give her that space. You are both making progress and time is the only thing that will help.
It might help her to realize there are therapists available on all schedules. If she works nights, she has SOME daytime availability, even if she has to get up early to do it.
Most important thing is that this grief is considered sacred in your house, forever. And then, that you are able to sit it in together, without solving it. It will be a current that will flow trough your life, and every time it comes it needs to be met with love. For example the rubbing of a ring you have to remind you of her, or something else. I have helped a family in your situation before, I know how hard it is to sit in it, but you have to surrender to it. If you do, then surely and slowly you will see the loss to transform into something quite beautiful, like a tear in the rain.
She could really use some therapy. Phone sessions are great for flexibility.
Its a tough road, we lost twins at 8 months.
Im so sorry, grief is hard. Life is hard, and life with grief is even harder.
I don’t think there are any words that will help, except prayers.
I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Good days may mean tears and lots of sadness. You are both grieving, and grieving is part of the good days. I am so sorry you are going through this. It might be nice to cocoon and cry for part of the day, then go for walks for part of the day.
Let her feel her emotions. You can ask if she wants a hug, or to talk, but respect her answer. Keep being supportive & understanding
Everyone’s different, but for me I’d want you to be more intrusive. I personally tend to hide away/not want to bother others with my emotions, but want the help/love/support. If you see her struggling, go hug her, even if you don’t say anything. Hug her randomly, bring home her favorite treat, do anything to brighten up her day and don’t stop. This will eat her up for years, and I’m sure she blames herself too, which is even harder