MIL and SIL came back from a religious trip, we congratulated them over the phone etc. They got back last week and we haven’t been to see them because they are both very sick. At first on Saturday MIL said she understands then after Sunday we spent time with my side of the family for my mum’s birthday and all of a sudden on Monday she is sending passice aggressive comments saying kids have a responsibility to visit parents and they should specially make the effort to meet after the trip at the earliest moment. DH fell for this and is now suggesting we go visit twice this week. I’m just so sick and tired of this behaviour and DH not really understanding all of this for what it is.
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HI OP! I remember your posts. The MIL who told you to trick your DH into getting you pregnant? And now she’s back with even more brainless bullshit! She’s sick and she’s guilt-tripping you into visiting? YHGTBFKM.
My advice is that she crossed a basic boundary of human decency by trying to guilt trip you into seeing her while she’s sick. Do not go. The consequence for crossing this boundary is that you do not reward her. You do not go see her this week while she’s sick, and extend out the consequence for how ever long you deem necessary. Maybe you don’t see her for three weeks. If she escalates and sends flying monkeys or other manipulation during that three weeks, extended it out farther.
You can’t control whether DH goes, but you can control whether or not you reward her BS. So don’t reward her.
Actions, her actions, have consequences.
I’d offer to drop food on their porch, but certainly not go inside. Who wants to get sick? It’s stupid.
“So you’re willing to risk the health of our household… to please your mother?”
“Could we wait a week or until they’re back to normal?”
“Is your perspective that it’s easier to visit than upset your mother by not visiting right away?”
It’s time for DH to be a husband and father before a son. His mother is guilt tripping him because she’s jealous that you spent time with your family. She’s trying to set a standard that you have to visit her and visit based on her needs not yours. She’s creating a rule (kids visit parents) that you haven’t agreed with.
Set your boundaries with DH. Stick to them. You’re an adult and go where you want.
“I won’t be going with you to visit because I don’t want to get sick. LO is not going to visit because I don’t want them to get sick either. I can’t control your actions, but understand I disagree and won’t be nurturing you back to health when you inevitably get sick.”
It’s also time to start calling out things for what they are.
“Your mother is guilting us for not visiting. She is demanding a visit at her convenience. That isn’t a healthy relationship, that’s a dictatorship. I don’t think she’s being reasonable or careful with her demand to visit.”
now’s the time to stand your ground and ask your spouse what has changed about disease transmission since your original decision. i am not popular with my family because of my insistence on treating colds as contagious, but it works far better than politely stating boundaries ever has.
step 1 is asking the above question.
step two is clarifying that it’s not that you don’t want to visit MIL, it’s that you dont plan on getting yourself or your spouse sick.
at this point, your MIL and SIL may suddenly recover from their illnesses, your spouse might say they’re not that sick, or someone will insist that it’s been ‘long enough’.
step 3 is reminding everyone that contagiousness ends after the total cessation of symptoms, including runny noses, sneezing etc. make sure you’ve got your facts straight, then stick to them. you’re happy to go over when it’s wise to do so, is that so unreasonable?