Although I am relatively young, I frequently experience anxiety regarding the thought of my spouse dying before me, and me being alone in the world without him. Statistically it is more likely he will pass away first (although of course anyone can die at any time). I know that it’s not worth wasting my time worrying about since death is inevitable for everyone, but anxiety is not always swayed by logical appeals like that.
If you have lost your spouse, especially at old age, how do you carry on? I know this sounds stubborn, but I just can’t imagine wanting to carry on without him. Knowing that “he’s always with me” or that I can savour the memories we made together isn’t enough for me/doesn’t feel comforting. Would love to know how people who have actually experienced this cope, and thanks in advance for sharing thoughts on this difficult topic.
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Not the answer you’re looking for. Your only option is to distract yourself by thinking about hiw happy you are now. Your ONLY option.
There is no answer to this. No advice. Just live in the moment and make the best of what you have. “Never go to bed angry”.
I have this same anxiety. My husband is my best friend and still alive and in great health so I can’t speak to the after death part but I can tell you what I do to cope now that I hope is helpful to you.
1) focus on my present senses when I start to feel this anxiety. For some reason it happens at night a lot. I touch him. Hug him. Smell him. Feel him and think, this person is wonderful and I will remember this moment if he’s gone.
2) we have an ongoing joke they is completely irrational that we agree I will die first. I know this is stupid, silly, irrational thinking but it’s calming to my irrational brain moments.
3) Make sure I do get time alone just to remind myself I’m an adult and can cope. Sometimes we are apart for work or other trips. I’ve also scheduled time away to just give myself this reminder.
4) Maintain my friend network. I want more than my husband as a loving, caring, happy person in my life. I make sure to see and connect with my friends in personas much as I can as well as texting. I regularly schedule meet ups and fun things together.
The main things are to distract your mind when anxiety is present and try to ground yourself in the here and now. Then work on building up your long term skills and connections so you have resiliency. Counseling on handling anxiety and medication are also important tools to use.
Why do you have anxiety about something that is not happening now? Why are young people so scared of getting old and all that comes with it? Why do they only see the bad stuff and not the good?
Only advice you need is to remain independent, financially, emotionally and physically. By the time this happens you should be ready to handle the outcome becoming a widow.
Well, it’s a 50/50 chance. If you are part of a long-term couple, one of you is pretty darn likely to die first. Some surviving spouses do die soon after, but not most. You carry on out of the longstanding habit of living, if for no better reason. I love my wife of 30 years, but she’s not the only reason I have to live for. I know she feels the same way. Whoever survives will be hurt by the loss, but not killed by it. We’re both in our seventies, so it’s statistically likely in the next decade.
The best thing I’ve ever read about this was in a short book worth reading regardless, Viktor Frankl’s "Man’s Search For Meaning".
Short version, Frankl treats a client suffering from your worst fear, after the loss of his wife. He finds meaning in the fact that his survival and his suffering have saved his wife from going through what he is going through.
The actual long version is better.
Whenever I have these thoughts about my still alive spouse I force myself to finish the thought with "so I’d better enjoy it now". I don’t even complete the thought without using gratitude to deflect it anymore. Yes everything could be taken from me in an instant. So I’d better enjoy what I have while I have it. There is time for grieving later. And your older self will be very angry with you if you don’t use your time connecting with your man and waste it thinking about all the shit that could go wrong