Don’t keep score. If you loaded the dishwasher the past 3 times and it needs to be done, just do it. If there’s anything you can do that will make your partner happy, do it.
This only becomes a problem if you’re partner isn’t doing the same thing.
Being a husband isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy, but it isn’t complicated. It’s like being mugged. Just shut up and hand over your wallet, and everything will be fine.
Have to take care of yourself but don’t be selfish. Small appreciation goes a long way. Having your own space and/or time apart is definitely healthy. The small “insignificant” things really do matter. Listen listen listen and pay attention.
Ten years in and started dating senior year of high school.
There’s a million things I can point to for why I think we have such a strong relationship but here are a few quick ones.
Humility, acknowledgement of your weaknesses early helps figure out if your partner can support you in the right way.
Patience and forgiveness, allowing each other to be upset but understanding you need to move past it once you feel your feelings.
Communication is king. Don’t play games, making your partner guess how you feel only makes it worse for you and eventually them. You don’t need to test their loyalty or commitment. If you expect something you need to tell them that is what you expect and give them the best opportunity to meet or exceed that expectation.
Shared goals, having something to work towards together no matter how small or menial helps strengthen that silent understanding.
Don’t love someone enough that you’re willing to die for them. Love someone enough that you’re willing to live for them.
Sacrifice, it’s not about huge sacrifices. Pick their show over yours every once in a while. Go where they want to go. Watch them do their favorite hobby even if you think it’s boring. And most important, don’t keep track of any of it. Do it for the sake of showing your love and not as a tool used in negotiations or arguments.
Communication. Pick your battles. Give each other space when the other needs it. You are on each other’s team, not against each other. Once you’re ‘against the other’, things will break down very very quickly. This isn’t to say you always agree or anything, but supporting each other and sometimes just agreeing to disagree. Learning about love languages is really helpful.
I really like what I read on a similar post but I’ll be damned if I can find the original. It was something like “relationships aren’t 50/50, they’re 60/40 with both people trying to be the 60”
In my case, we both care more about each other than we do ourselves. We’ve had one fight in our 37 years together. It was about something stupid and I refused to participate. I never understood why people get married and then antagonize each other. If she’s happy, I’m happy. It helps that we’re pretty much on the same page about most things.
39 years—Be with your best friend who you respect. Be with someone who wants you to be a better person by being with them. Be sure you LIKE them, not just love them. Don’t keep score. Be the partner you would like to have. Continually work on yourself. Don’t nitpick. Allow your partner to be who they are. You picked them. Either they’re for you or not for you. If you don’t like their ways, don’t try to change them, move on. Be on the same page with 90% of everything concerning having children and raising them. Be financially aligned (if you’re a saver, don’t be with someone who doesn’t respect money, it’ll cause arguments throughout your entire relationship) Be with someone who lifts you up and doesn’t drag you down. I could go on and on…
We talk about almost everything, and we do so with kindness for the other person in mind. If we’re both upset and having a bit of an argument we take a long time to consider our words and use language that isn’t accusatory or just mean. Think ‘therapist “I feel like…”‘ sort of language but more considerate. Also ‘assume good intent’ is important to always keep in mind. In a good relationship the worst thing your partner will do is often to act without considering your feelings or act using joint resources without communicating what they’re doing. They won’t be doing it to spite you, they’ll be doing it because they don’t think you’ll care so it doesn’t need to be negotiated or discussed.
We also apologize to each other when we know we’ve hurt the other person’s feelings regardless of fault.
A pretty typical one of our less fun conversations would be of the format “I am sorry that I …” followed by the other person saying “Yes, that upset me because … why did you do that?” This is followed with usually something like “I did not know that would upset you so much, but I feel like it was ok for me to do X” and then a very long conversation about the right and wrong way to do X while keeping the feelings of our partner in mind.
In normal day to day, it’s just a matter of taking care, actually listening to the other person. Sharing our concerns before they become anxieties or resentments.
We aware that we both copy our parents marriages on a subconscious level.
At times we will over correct what we did not like about our parents marriages.
We combine our $$$. And we never buy something to punish or for revenge. We just invest. Invest and invest.
Only been 9 but I’d say communication and putting egos aside.
Sometimes my husband pisses me off and I tell him, but not because I want him to apologize or change, sometimes it’s just so he recognizes that hey I’m distance for a couple hours it’s because I felt upset and am going to decompress.
If I need help I ask because he’s not a mind reader.
We also like to sit down and discuss long term goals to ensure we’re still going in the same direction.
Deep breathes and knowing I am not always going to be in love. I always LOVE him but we have four kids. There have been days I wanted to strangle him. Days I wondered if we would make it, days I was madly in love with him. We will ALWAYS until the day we die fight about his stupid socks being left in the couch (why? Just why?) and that mt side of the bathroom counter will look like a tornado it (you can’t tell me what to do). It’s ok to fight with a purpose, it’s not ok to fight to win.
BUT. And this is the important part. Even being at odds more politically than we have in the past, we agree on the big things. We share MORALS AND VALUES. We are on the same page about future plans for us, for our kids. We are on the same page about money and the things we aren’t are typically small in the grand scheme of things (yes I need another purse). We personally have separate finances because we knew with our past with ex’s it was going to cut down on fighting, but we agree on large and shared expenses and we talk about that.
At the end of the day, we run a business together; our household. We know we have to figure that part out because that is for life, that is what doesn’t change. Money, retirement, saving and spending, family being a top value for us (mine is huge and he had to go no contact with his so we value it for different reasons but we both believe it’s important), similar spiral beliefs (neither of us are Christian but what we do believe doesn’t conflict), similar work ethics ect. At the end of the day when the feels have to be back burner that is where the rubber meets the road.
I’m not perfect and don’t require perfection from my partner. My partner isn’t perfect and doesn’t require me to be perfect.
Another partner will also not be perfect. What are you searching for? Perfection? A relationship with exactly zero issues?
I’d rather work together from the strong foundation of trust and experience we’ve built together than start over with someone new. There’s no issue that we can’t figure out, together.
This isn’t really a secret, but your partner can’t read your mind. Just like you can’t read theirs. I’ve heard a lot of people say that they’ve been together a long time so their partner should know what they like or dislike, what they want or don’t want. They don’t speak up and then get upset because things didn’t go the way they wanted. For example, if your partner asks what you want to do for your birthday, they genuinely want to know what you want to do for your birthday. Don’t say “nothing” and don’t tell them to “surprise” you if you really want to do something specific. You can’t expect them to know. Just like you don’t know. If you’re upset about something and your partner asks what you’re upset about, the answer is not “nothing” or “if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you”. That’s ridiculous. Tell them what is upsetting you. They can’t support you, console you, or help you (if that’s what you want) if they don’t know that you’re upset or they don’t know why.
Sounds easier than it is, but just find the right person. If you both love and respect each other and genuinely enjoy each other’s company then you’ve got a great chance. Having the same long term goals e.g. own a house, children/childfree etc also helps!
The top comment about not keeping score is a great insight.
Also, a big part of the relationship with my wife is that we are besties FR. I really mean that too, we cut up and laugh about the same stuff, look forward to sharing whatever new gossip with each other (her more than me tho), we share some of the same interests, taste in movies, etc., and still look forward to simply hanging out together. We just chill like friends a lot, but still have sex often too, so it’s not all platonic or anything. Somehow we have managed to remain friends even while navigating careers and raising our kids, it’s not always easy, but we seem to be doing it well.
An argument is “I have a big feeling and I need your help moving through it”
Know your enemy. The enemy is usually NOT your spouse. (If the enemy actually IS your spouse, you are in an abusive relationship and we want to help you get out!!!!)
It’s sad that people are talking about duration instead of happiness. A lot of couples have been together for a very long time, but they literally hate each other. My childhood friend’s parents “stayed together for the kids,” and I witnessed, being at his house, two people who completely hated each other but remained together “for the kids.” I didn’t see one act of affection in years. The husband would walk right past his wife in the kitchen, grab something, say nothing to her, then walk downstairs where he slept. The moment my childhood friend’s younger sister turned 18, their parents divorced.
Joke aside, I guess we were really good friends before dating. We knew each other’s weaknesses beforehand so we kind of had an advantage. Also we are not trying to change the other to our liking, but continually trying to improve the other for their better self. Sacrifices are bi-directional. Also she is my best friend, nobody goes over her. There is no secret that someone else knows that I don’t. I am her best gossiper buddy. If she robs a bank, I’d drive the getaway van. Also she’s a grown woman so although I don’t have to defend her from any creep, I would gladly help her hide or dispose of the body though. ✌🏽
Do everything for each other out of kindness. The way you speak to and about one another, how you approach disagreements, in thinking of your partner. My husband and I are silly together and I dread the day one of us has to go without the other. Literally the best man I’ve ever met 🥰
Show appreciation and thank your partner several times a day. Nothing is too small, and say thank you even for stuff they normally do or you’ve agreed are their responsibility.
Touch each other in a non sexual way several times a day. Hugs. Back scratches. Playful pokes.
26 years. Our decision making process is to see who cares more and they decide. This only works if you are both conflict-avoidant and honest. 🙂
It works great for us.
Been Married 20 years. the key is not having kids. but in all seriousness your spouse should never be your only support. it is so important to have friends male and female you can talk with. doesn’t matter how great the partner is you will need to complain to someone who is outside the situation.
other than that. open and honest conversations. my wife and I have Car conversations when we drive. its a time to just share your thoughts and feels and there is no need for a response. you can share a concern or a issue. then take some time to think about it and then once you have time to do that you can talk through the problem again later.
we are both active participants in therapy individually and as a couple. I have seen so many amazing couples who have separated because they solely relied on there partner for support and validation. it falls apart so fast its impossible for one person to be everything for someone else.
also as someone else mentioned. don’t keep score. just do your best.
Married 35 years. All marriages have ups and downs. Good times and hard times. You have to stick it out during the hard times. Then you have to be willing to work it out. Talk to each other. Forgive the things that drive you crazy and think back about what made you fall in love in the first place. And accept and embrace the changes. People age. My husband says I’m more beautiful now. I know it’s not true, but it sure does make me love him all the more.
learning how to fight is incredibly important early on, everyone argues disagrees fights debates etc differently so learning a healthy way to do that and how you and your partner need to do that is super important.
like for example i get loud not disrespectful just high volume and once my wife realized that thats just how i am then she stopped getting worried that i was angry with her or stopped feeling that whatever i was upset with was her fault and just realized my volume control goes out the window during stress then things became so much better for us.
Gotta communicate. Know when to pause an argument cause emotions are too high. Arguments aren’t about winning either but about figuring out the underlying issue which honestly 75% of the time in our case is one or both is hangry. The other 25% is one person isn’t listening to the other fully.
We also do weekly checkins. Most weeks there’s not much to discuss. Some weeks there’s something one brings up. It’s a chance to talk things through from the past week but with some distance from the moment so emotions aren’t raw but this way things aren’t allowed to fester either.
Make time for each other. Life can get busy. Make sure you have some consistent one on one time. For us, there’s no kids which obvious makes an added challenge, but Friday evenings is for us to spend together. A special event will get an exception without issue, but the default is we are spending Friday evening together just us. Maybe it’s a proper date. Often it’s been a long week so we stay in, cuddle on the couch and watch something together.
Doing things ironically that benefit the relationship only to have them become habitual. On a road trip with the kid or when things are getting stressful, we joke “same team, same team” and high five, which becomes a regular reminder that we’re in this together even though it’s from a tiktok. We read Jane McGonigal’s Super Better in which she asks her loved ones, “How would you rate your day from 1 to 10? What can I do for you to move that one point in the positive?” So we check in and then do things to improve the other’s day. One of our family sayings is “Be kind to future you,” but that extends to your partner’s future. Lay the kid’s clothes out before you go to work because it improves your partner’s future that day. Load the dishes or washing machine when you see the sink/hamper is full, so your partner won’t have to. Justin McElroy once had a throwaway comment that great relationships aren’t each person doing 50/50 but each partner giving a 100% to the relationship. We try to live that.
Communicate well and often. Don’t let little things fester unsaid and have them turn into bigger problems that lead to blowouts.
Embrace the MGI. That is, give your partner the Most Generous Interpretation. If she says, “is that what you’re wearing?” don’t just assume it was a bitchy comment about your style. Maybe it was a question just confirming whether you needed more time to get ready or change before going out. This goes back to #1 about communicating well. Sometimes we say things meaning A and it gets interpreted as meaning B, which you find offensive. Clarify things before getting upset and always assume your partner means well before reacting poorly. MGI!!
I am aromantic, but I just wanted to share an observation. Longevity doesn’t mean successful.
Not that I don’t believe that exists, probably does, but a lot of the long-term relationships in my (admittedly dysfunctional) environment are deeply knotted, complexly enmeshed, borderline abusive or abusive messes that only exist because of the sunk-cost fallacy.
My sister and her late husband were together for 20 years. 20 years of those deeply unhappy. Drag out, knock down screaming matches, until someone breaks down in tears almost every night. It was bad.
My aunt has been with her husband for 24, he beats her. She doesn’t leave. Etc.
Do not focus too much on the relationship with your partner. We rather (or have to) deal with other stuff to survive together. My life was like a war, and I am thankful that I have a partner that I could rely on most of times.
Mutal distain for other people and not wanting to live alone. Doesn’t matter what comes up, getting through it is better than trying to meet new people.
Seriously, while these are components of a long-term relationship, communication, curiosity, kindness, openness, growth-mindset, and compassion are what makes long-term relationships work.
As Sandi Toksvig says, use the Buddy method. Works every time.
(Source: together 17 years, married 3, two kids, very happy, rarely argue. Was in a marriage before that didn’t employ the Buddy method and the difference was…well, I’m not married to them anymore)
Us vs the solution, not me vs her. Also, I’ve found having my own space in the house helps me recover, so that I can be more present when we’re together.
I think it says something that my best relationship ever (with her), and her best relationship ever (with me) … came about when we were both in our FORTIES.
Maturity can age you like fine wine or cheese. You accumulate wisdom, you learn how to control some of your idiosyncrasies. You learn patience. You learn, from years of experience, how best to interact with different kinds of people.
This stuff isn’t something you can teach in a book, and it’s not usually something you can accumulate over a mere 5 years.
It takes decades, and it also takes several failures for us to learn.
I’m not the same person I was at 40. And the person I was at 40, was not the same person I was at 30. We’re all crafted by our environments, our experiences. And if we’re really trying, we DO absorb a lot of things that turns into wisdom over time.
Before I committed to marriage I realized it was the right thing to do because I would rather be with her doing what she wanted than to hang out with the guys doing what that group wanted to do. And just as importantly she felt the same way. Over the years we have started doing things together that we both enjoy. This December we will hit 30 years of marriage plus 5 years dating before that. Things that we did right:
1.) not having kids right away, we married Dec.1995 and our first son was born Nov.1997.
2.) Moved away after marriage, it was a six hour drive to either parents from our place, it was great because we had to depend on each other, and neither of us could go home if we were mad.
3.) If you ignore everything else anyone says, listen to this! Listen to your spouse, but listen to learn, not just to reply. When you listen to learn you can develop an understanding of the other person and when you have that understanding your partner doesn’t tend to respond with things like “Fine”
4.) Good luck to you. I am about as happy as any mancould be, I have 4 boys, a hundred acres, and a wife who is almost done with menopause(IYKYK).
FYI, everything in the first couple of years of my marriage was by accident, but looking back if we had stayed close to home the mother-in-laws would have ruined our marriage with out any intention to do so.
Be each other’s best friend, try to know what you are good at and do it well, and what you aren’t and still try your best, don’t be doing vacations or weekends with friends without your spouse, keep sex life very active, always work on making yourself the best possible version.
Honesty and being open with each other about every facet of our lives. Lifting the other up when one is down. Loving one another as hard as we can and we say it out loud to each other as much as possible and show it even more in the actions we perform for one another. Also have your own hobbies, it isn’t always good to be with someone just like you, in other words have a partner that isn’t totally dependent on you for their entertainment. But above all else, if you help clean the house shit is always better.
People say it takes work and communication, but that never meant anything to me. Here’s how I see it…
Making your partner happy is your job. If you are with someone who sees the relationship the same way, you’ll be set for life. That’s the work. Letting your partner know what you need to be happy and what you are willing to do to make them happy, which changes all the time with every situation, that’s the communication.
Sometimes this process is pretty one-sided, but if you can find a balance you can live with, then you’re solid gold.
We’re best friends who genuinely respect and admire each other. That’s the basis for our partnership, the sex is a nice bonus but not the most important thing to either of us. And we communicate A LOT. Everything, the good and the bad. I teach him, and he teaches me. We’re both open to learning and improving ourselves. I don’t “change” him, he learns from me and improves himself b/c HE WANTS to, not because I make him – and vice versa. And when there’s a problem, talk talk talk. Get your feelings out and the other partner LISTENS.
As far as life responsibilities, we aim for equity. We both have an equal load of responsibilities, but if say he’s too tired to take out the garbage one day, I try to understand. If I’m too tired to vacuum one day, he’s like “no big deal, get some rest”. As long as we’re both self-aware and not trying to take advantage of the other, things ebb and flow. We’re empathetic to each other. We care about the other person, so we WANT them to be happy. We’re both looking out for each other, while still respecting and loving ourselves.
Honestly, self-love and respect is also a huge one. How can I expect him to love me if I don’t even love myself? We have love and high standards for ourselves first – and this translates to each other. And if there’s a problem, TALK!
The responses here are highly biased towards couples who are together and are in a good relationship. There are just as many couples who stay together just as longand are in terrible dysfunctional cohabitations – and I don’t mean abuse or constant arguments. People stay together because only one person brings in the money or the kids or just because the routine is familiar. Don’t ask what’s the secret to staying together. Anyone can stay together. Better to find out how to know the person you are committing a huge chunk of your life to is compatible – usually that will come down to whether or not the two of you share similar outlooks on life and whether or not you feel you’ll be happier if other person will change to make you content after marriage – if it’s no to the first and/or yes to the second, they’re not for you and you are not for them.
Have the ‘i’m really into you, im making a effort and making time for you’ sex, even when you don’t feel like it. It really keeps you close. Ps not talking the quickie maintenance sex
Don’t complain about your spouse to anyone else, unless you have discussed those complaints with your spouse first. They aren’t going to read your mind. Fair discussions, no manipulation. You don’t “win” fights.
Compromise, if you can accept that neither one of you is perfect and can take the rough with the smooth, and have a sold base to start with, and remember what got you together in the first place, this helps a LOT! Accept one anothers flaws and all.
Being willing to bring up and work through challenges. It has to be a safe enough space where either you or your partner can bring up problems and work on them together. You’re a team always. Not adversaries. My husband and I have been together for 17 years.
Our goals are always cooperative goals, success for one of us is a success for both of us.
We use the moto “marriage is a competition of kindness” and try to live by those words.
Although we enjoy each other’s looks now, we didn’t marry for looks. We married for the “in sickness and health” and plan to age and get ugly together. We both know anything could happen and we might end up being a caregiver for the other. That’s life baby! That’s love!
If we go to bed angry we have to touch toes. Physical contact melts all kinds of tension.
We both intentionally earn and give trust.
We really try to hear each other during disagreements, instead of talking past the other or just waiting to make our next point.
There’s no secret. Listen to each other. Make sure to prioritize each other’s needs. Be supportive. Don’t be a dick. Everyone fights sometimes. Won’t always see eye to eye, but understanding or at least trying to be open minded enough to see the other’s perspective is crucial. Above all, communicate often and honestly. Be worthy of the trust both must have in each other to make it work.
There’s no secret, it’s just not easy all the time. And knowing that, and getting through it together is what builds strong relationships.
You don’t have to do absolutely everything together and always be in lock step. It’s ok to have different interests or hobbies. And it’s ok to not have dinner together sometimes. Your partner is a whole other person, not one half of a couple.
A friend (haha) who had many divorces was given advice to be polite. Then his next marriage lasted 20 years before he passsed away. I’ve been married 42 years. I must be doing the polite thing too.
An old friend is a therapist and recently posted a video on the USCEDU instagram. She mentions healthy relationships, such as having own hobbies and interests outside of relationship, not choosing between “me and we”, etc. And as someone who has been in a happy relationship for over a decade, everything she said made sense and applied to us, so I would check out her video.
We’re really good at arguing. If we have a problem, we take some time to cool off and think about it, and then we come together and talk it out honestly. We don’t blow up at each other, and we aren’t always trying to be “right” or win an argument. We also try not to go to bed angry at each other. Kindness and empathy go a long way.
patience, communication even when you dont feel like it, regular sex at least twice a week, stop watching porn, dont really spend time on social media, make time for one one dates even if its only once per month (this is for when you have kids obviously) dont be shy to try new things. Avoid financial struggle if possible obviously. There thats about it i think the big lines
It’s NEVER 50/50. Some days it’s 80/20, some days it’s 60/40. On other days, it’s 20/20, 15/35, etc. Somedays you don’t have much to give, and that’s OK.
You’re going to have off days. Talk to them. Love them on the bad and the good.
Know that seasons come and go. Some periods will be easy, some will be difficult. Know your core values as individuals and as a couple. It will be your North Star. Do you both value financial security as a family? Then that helps you know the goals of things like savings and bonuses.
You will each grow, together and separately. This can sometimes be scary but it’s also an opportunity to keep things interesting. Check in with each other and see what’s working and what no longer is. Huge life changes like kids, news jobs, loss of parents, means times of more communication and checking in on your core values.
Fighting is not always a bad thing. Sometimes you just need to have it out. Learn to forgive over things that ultimately won’t matter, and know how to work through things that do.
Every time you’re annoyed or upset with them, think of what you love about them and what you’re grateful for. Also, don’t let the little stuff feel like big stuff just because it’s your partner.
Don’t give up on each other when time gets hard. Always listen to them when they are going through it and understand that a relationship is a two street, you need to give in order to receive.
Also be able to make adjustments. Silly example: I (32M) no longer pee standing to avoid dirtying the toilet.
People change over time. It’s important that you’re changing together, but realize that won’t always happen. Every year won’t be your best year, but every year won’t be your worst year either. Your relationship is like garden, that needs to constant pruning, changes, watering, whatever. If you ignore all the small things over time and suddenly, it’s a big deal to fix anything. It’s way harder to fix it without pulling everything out and starting over. Problems don’t get resolved in one conversation.
Relationships are never 50/50. Life goes through seasons so sometimes it’s 60/40, sometimes it’s 70/30, sometimes it’s 10/90 if the sky has fallen for your partner. Stop complaining about it. What should never happen is you taking on the majority of the load forever but when our partner is down, we step up. That’s it. No questions asked.
Been married since 1998, and I was 18 and she was 21. Lots and lots of time together and great sex. We had nothing before we met and no financial support. Everything we have gone through and have today was all thanks to us being a team.
Have things you like to do together, but also things you can do apart. Being the couple that does every single thing together is extremely overrated.
Don’t discuss your problems with people outside of your relationship. Obviously you can talk about your partner but you have to be careful because if you’re going to forgive them, your friends and family won’t and can cause unneeded tension.
Be honest, always.
Let your partner be their own person, love them for who they are and not who you want them to be or who you think they should be.
Always take the other person into consideration.
Don’t get too complacent and stop doing the little things. Show them you’re thinking about them even if it’s just a random treat or something little you saw you know they would like. It goes a long way.
Communication, marry your best friend, have times together, but also:
Romantisize your relationship. I tend to blow the negatives out of proportions, especially when I’m tired and frustrated. Made a conscious effort to first, blow the good out of proportion too, and then second, even minimise the negatives.
Please note that I’m talking about cooking my favorite food or leaving shoes by the door. Not about big things.
Treat each other as you want to be treated. Be more than lovers, be friends. Enjoy each other company and quirks. Respect each others boundaries and opinion. Be together because you want to be with each other, not because you need to be together. Married 35 years, zero sex the last 20 for medical reasons.
Keep it simple. Don’t try to be someone else. Don’t compare. Be truthful n don’t cheat. Keep the spark on. Never let your ego come in between. If he/she not giving his/her 100% stand up it’s your turn to be big one in the relationship. It’s just the phases. You already married means you have given you commitment. Now it’s on you as keeping with it. Fight harder n make love passionate n louder. It’s very easy !!
Open communication, which honestly I still struggle with (I’m a bottler), friendship, and love. I am still in love with him and it doesn’t seem like it’s been 10 years
Check in with each other. Something you agreed on previously may’ve changed. Feelings and situations change. Approach it with open curiosity and open to the idea that how you think it should be may not be the best way forward
Maybe it’s obvious, but laugh together a lot and have lots of personal jokes, make names for everyone in the ‘hood. Sometimes I feel I’m with my 8 year old bff.
Communication. Also, nobody is perfect, as long as they’re trying. For example, he’s not great at planning but I am so we balance each other out by him doing other things to help.
We have three kids and our lives have never stopped moving I honestly think we haven’t come up for air to figure out that we’ve been married for 14 years or how we’ve done it
Keep dating your spouse. Keep taking care of yourself. Try to be an interesting person and share your life with your spouse, don’t just make them your life. Or assume you got the bag and now can coast through life. Be the kind of person they want to be proud to be with.
Talk and bring the other person in decision making. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked on things I know my wife will be fine with but I always ask. It shows I care. She does the same thing.
Her secret was moving me to her country and keeping me broke so that I can’t move out. I don’t even have a place to return in my home country, I’d be homeless if I leave.
Marry your best friend. I annoy him, he annoys me – but we’re besties for life. We have each other’s backs no matter what. We communicate openly and call each other out on any bullshit.
Overcoming adversity together. 43 years and counting. We have survived terminal cancer diagnosis, earthquakes, tsunamis, robberies and most importantly amazing adventures.
Communication: if we are off one day we tell the other. I’ll just text him that I’m sad for reason xyz, or I’m having a rough day at work and I’m sorry if I’m moody tonight. And just typing it out sometimes makes me feel better. And if not, he’s there to help me smile.
My husband is just starting on anti depressants and for a few good months I had to pick up the slack as well as pester him to talk to someone. I still am pestering him to get out of the house and take some alone time. We check in on each other every couple weeks or if we notice some kind of change. We support each other in almost every thing we do.
having each others backs is a big one too. When my husband has hit a low, I try to ride a high. We have two small kids and if one of us is getting overly angry the other steps in and lets them cool down.
Comments
Don’t keep score. If you loaded the dishwasher the past 3 times and it needs to be done, just do it. If there’s anything you can do that will make your partner happy, do it.
This only becomes a problem if you’re partner isn’t doing the same thing.
Secret?
Commitment and effort.
(Married 40+ years)
to know the partner so well and have a special connections is key… also all the memories with the partner are really rare!
Compromise, Independence, & learning to let the little things go
Tolerance
Do something extra daily to show affection, ask to watch tv together, make your mate a cup of tea etc.
Being a husband isn’t complicated. It isn’t easy, but it isn’t complicated. It’s like being mugged. Just shut up and hand over your wallet, and everything will be fine.
Tolerance, patience, understanding, kindness, effort
Have to take care of yourself but don’t be selfish. Small appreciation goes a long way. Having your own space and/or time apart is definitely healthy. The small “insignificant” things really do matter. Listen listen listen and pay attention.
Communication.
Serve each other, if you’re consistently working hard for each other it’s pretty easy!
Communicate.
The guy who married us said, “You’ll forget a lot about today,… but remember to communicate.”
We did. We hit 25 years before she passed. Giddy and I love till the last.
Self love, self care and treating the romantic relationship as something that benefits both.
21 year relationship so far. Enjoy your 20’s and then occasionally ask your friends how dating is going once you hit 30. Also dont have kids.
Active intimacy. Honest communication. Shared direction.
Same perspective on money, religion, children/ marriage.
A willingness to forgive and overlook petty stuff. Married 22 years.
Best friends first, lovers second. We genuinely enjoy spending time together. The sex is just a bonus!
No secret. We’re just best friends and crazy about each other.
This is the most important person in your life.
Fucking act like it.
Marry someone you love and who you are compatible with. Don’t marry someone who you think will change for the better with your coaxing.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Most stuff is small.
Partner and I’ve been together for well over 10 years and I’ve basically been together with my best friend.
When we’ve had a falling out, we talk about it.
Whenever something needs done, we just do it, or write it down on our shared task list.
Can’t say more actually 🤷♂️
Ten years in and started dating senior year of high school.
There’s a million things I can point to for why I think we have such a strong relationship but here are a few quick ones.
Humility, acknowledgement of your weaknesses early helps figure out if your partner can support you in the right way.
Patience and forgiveness, allowing each other to be upset but understanding you need to move past it once you feel your feelings.
Communication is king. Don’t play games, making your partner guess how you feel only makes it worse for you and eventually them. You don’t need to test their loyalty or commitment. If you expect something you need to tell them that is what you expect and give them the best opportunity to meet or exceed that expectation.
Shared goals, having something to work towards together no matter how small or menial helps strengthen that silent understanding.
Don’t love someone enough that you’re willing to die for them. Love someone enough that you’re willing to live for them.
Sacrifice, it’s not about huge sacrifices. Pick their show over yours every once in a while. Go where they want to go. Watch them do their favorite hobby even if you think it’s boring. And most important, don’t keep track of any of it. Do it for the sake of showing your love and not as a tool used in negotiations or arguments.
Liking the person you marry. Barring my kids, my spouse is my most favourite person in my life.
It seems so obvious but the number of posts I read on Reddit where it doesn’t sound like the couple even like each other is wild to me.
Communication. Pick your battles. Give each other space when the other needs it. You are on each other’s team, not against each other. Once you’re ‘against the other’, things will break down very very quickly. This isn’t to say you always agree or anything, but supporting each other and sometimes just agreeing to disagree. Learning about love languages is really helpful.
Keep short accounts (don’t hold grudges), and say these 3 things often: thank you, I love you, I’m sorry
I really like what I read on a similar post but I’ll be damned if I can find the original. It was something like “relationships aren’t 50/50, they’re 60/40 with both people trying to be the 60”
In my case, we both care more about each other than we do ourselves. We’ve had one fight in our 37 years together. It was about something stupid and I refused to participate. I never understood why people get married and then antagonize each other. If she’s happy, I’m happy. It helps that we’re pretty much on the same page about most things.
39 years—Be with your best friend who you respect. Be with someone who wants you to be a better person by being with them. Be sure you LIKE them, not just love them. Don’t keep score. Be the partner you would like to have. Continually work on yourself. Don’t nitpick. Allow your partner to be who they are. You picked them. Either they’re for you or not for you. If you don’t like their ways, don’t try to change them, move on. Be on the same page with 90% of everything concerning having children and raising them. Be financially aligned (if you’re a saver, don’t be with someone who doesn’t respect money, it’ll cause arguments throughout your entire relationship) Be with someone who lifts you up and doesn’t drag you down. I could go on and on…
As cliche as it is: communication.
We talk about almost everything, and we do so with kindness for the other person in mind. If we’re both upset and having a bit of an argument we take a long time to consider our words and use language that isn’t accusatory or just mean. Think ‘therapist “I feel like…”‘ sort of language but more considerate. Also ‘assume good intent’ is important to always keep in mind. In a good relationship the worst thing your partner will do is often to act without considering your feelings or act using joint resources without communicating what they’re doing. They won’t be doing it to spite you, they’ll be doing it because they don’t think you’ll care so it doesn’t need to be negotiated or discussed.
We also apologize to each other when we know we’ve hurt the other person’s feelings regardless of fault.
A pretty typical one of our less fun conversations would be of the format “I am sorry that I …” followed by the other person saying “Yes, that upset me because … why did you do that?” This is followed with usually something like “I did not know that would upset you so much, but I feel like it was ok for me to do X” and then a very long conversation about the right and wrong way to do X while keeping the feelings of our partner in mind.
In normal day to day, it’s just a matter of taking care, actually listening to the other person. Sharing our concerns before they become anxieties or resentments.
We aware that we both copy our parents marriages on a subconscious level.
At times we will over correct what we did not like about our parents marriages.
We combine our $$$. And we never buy something to punish or for revenge. We just invest. Invest and invest.
Marry your best friend. Beauty fades, stupid is forever.
Love your partner more than you love being right.
Only been 9 but I’d say communication and putting egos aside.
Sometimes my husband pisses me off and I tell him, but not because I want him to apologize or change, sometimes it’s just so he recognizes that hey I’m distance for a couple hours it’s because I felt upset and am going to decompress.
If I need help I ask because he’s not a mind reader.
We also like to sit down and discuss long term goals to ensure we’re still going in the same direction.
Deep breathes and knowing I am not always going to be in love. I always LOVE him but we have four kids. There have been days I wanted to strangle him. Days I wondered if we would make it, days I was madly in love with him. We will ALWAYS until the day we die fight about his stupid socks being left in the couch (why? Just why?) and that mt side of the bathroom counter will look like a tornado it (you can’t tell me what to do). It’s ok to fight with a purpose, it’s not ok to fight to win.
BUT. And this is the important part. Even being at odds more politically than we have in the past, we agree on the big things. We share MORALS AND VALUES. We are on the same page about future plans for us, for our kids. We are on the same page about money and the things we aren’t are typically small in the grand scheme of things (yes I need another purse). We personally have separate finances because we knew with our past with ex’s it was going to cut down on fighting, but we agree on large and shared expenses and we talk about that.
At the end of the day, we run a business together; our household. We know we have to figure that part out because that is for life, that is what doesn’t change. Money, retirement, saving and spending, family being a top value for us (mine is huge and he had to go no contact with his so we value it for different reasons but we both believe it’s important), similar spiral beliefs (neither of us are Christian but what we do believe doesn’t conflict), similar work ethics ect. At the end of the day when the feels have to be back burner that is where the rubber meets the road.
I’m not perfect and don’t require perfection from my partner. My partner isn’t perfect and doesn’t require me to be perfect.
Another partner will also not be perfect. What are you searching for? Perfection? A relationship with exactly zero issues?
I’d rather work together from the strong foundation of trust and experience we’ve built together than start over with someone new. There’s no issue that we can’t figure out, together.
This isn’t really a secret, but your partner can’t read your mind. Just like you can’t read theirs. I’ve heard a lot of people say that they’ve been together a long time so their partner should know what they like or dislike, what they want or don’t want. They don’t speak up and then get upset because things didn’t go the way they wanted. For example, if your partner asks what you want to do for your birthday, they genuinely want to know what you want to do for your birthday. Don’t say “nothing” and don’t tell them to “surprise” you if you really want to do something specific. You can’t expect them to know. Just like you don’t know. If you’re upset about something and your partner asks what you’re upset about, the answer is not “nothing” or “if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you”. That’s ridiculous. Tell them what is upsetting you. They can’t support you, console you, or help you (if that’s what you want) if they don’t know that you’re upset or they don’t know why.
Split chores 60/40. You should each aim to be the 60.
Sounds easier than it is, but just find the right person. If you both love and respect each other and genuinely enjoy each other’s company then you’ve got a great chance. Having the same long term goals e.g. own a house, children/childfree etc also helps!
It’s hard. It takes care and attention. It requires a ton of grace and forgiveness. It also takes a lot of shutting up and letting things go.
We try to ignore the things that irritate us and celebrate the things we love about each other. Also, pick your battles. 23 years this July
Sleep naked.
Happily married over 15 years.
The top comment about not keeping score is a great insight.
Also, a big part of the relationship with my wife is that we are besties FR. I really mean that too, we cut up and laugh about the same stuff, look forward to sharing whatever new gossip with each other (her more than me tho), we share some of the same interests, taste in movies, etc., and still look forward to simply hanging out together. We just chill like friends a lot, but still have sex often too, so it’s not all platonic or anything. Somehow we have managed to remain friends even while navigating careers and raising our kids, it’s not always easy, but we seem to be doing it well.
Communication and forgiveness.
During any argument remember this:
Arguments are not “him/her/them versus you”
An argument is “I have a big feeling and I need your help moving through it”
Know your enemy. The enemy is usually NOT your spouse. (If the enemy actually IS your spouse, you are in an abusive relationship and we want to help you get out!!!!)
As a husband, I find it important to ALWAYS get in the last words in any argument.
Those words must be ‘Yes Dear’.
Any words other than those is the start of another argument.
It’s sad that people are talking about duration instead of happiness. A lot of couples have been together for a very long time, but they literally hate each other. My childhood friend’s parents “stayed together for the kids,” and I witnessed, being at his house, two people who completely hated each other but remained together “for the kids.” I didn’t see one act of affection in years. The husband would walk right past his wife in the kitchen, grab something, say nothing to her, then walk downstairs where he slept. The moment my childhood friend’s younger sister turned 18, their parents divorced.
Stay interested (intimacy, hobbies, etc) in each other. Keep your inner children alive and be sure they’re compatible. SLEEP WITH SEPARATE BLANKETS.
Working opposite shifts
we are both adhd
Noise cancelling earphones.
Joke aside, I guess we were really good friends before dating. We knew each other’s weaknesses beforehand so we kind of had an advantage. Also we are not trying to change the other to our liking, but continually trying to improve the other for their better self. Sacrifices are bi-directional. Also she is my best friend, nobody goes over her. There is no secret that someone else knows that I don’t. I am her best gossiper buddy. If she robs a bank, I’d drive the getaway van. Also she’s a grown woman so although I don’t have to defend her from any creep, I would gladly help her hide or dispose of the body though. ✌🏽
the secret is that when you’re in your forties, 10 years doesn’t feel like a long time at all.
Do everything for each other out of kindness. The way you speak to and about one another, how you approach disagreements, in thinking of your partner. My husband and I are silly together and I dread the day one of us has to go without the other. Literally the best man I’ve ever met 🥰
“Be nice to your spouse.” You won’t believe how much that simple rule makes a difference.
It’s easier not to fight.
Don’t let “roommate issues” become relationship issues.
We are a team. Work towards shared goals. Stand or fall you do it together.
Show appreciation and thank your partner several times a day. Nothing is too small, and say thank you even for stuff they normally do or you’ve agreed are their responsibility.
Touch each other in a non sexual way several times a day. Hugs. Back scratches. Playful pokes.
Communication. We talk about everything. If we’re having a problem we find a common solution.
Don’t settle, communicate.
26 years. Our decision making process is to see who cares more and they decide. This only works if you are both conflict-avoidant and honest. 🙂
It works great for us.
Remembering that just like you, this is their first time doing life, and that you’re teammates.
Been Married 20 years. the key is not having kids. but in all seriousness your spouse should never be your only support. it is so important to have friends male and female you can talk with. doesn’t matter how great the partner is you will need to complain to someone who is outside the situation.
other than that. open and honest conversations. my wife and I have Car conversations when we drive. its a time to just share your thoughts and feels and there is no need for a response. you can share a concern or a issue. then take some time to think about it and then once you have time to do that you can talk through the problem again later.
we are both active participants in therapy individually and as a couple. I have seen so many amazing couples who have separated because they solely relied on there partner for support and validation. it falls apart so fast its impossible for one person to be everything for someone else.
also as someone else mentioned. don’t keep score. just do your best.
Married 35 years. All marriages have ups and downs. Good times and hard times. You have to stick it out during the hard times. Then you have to be willing to work it out. Talk to each other. Forgive the things that drive you crazy and think back about what made you fall in love in the first place. And accept and embrace the changes. People age. My husband says I’m more beautiful now. I know it’s not true, but it sure does make me love him all the more.
learning how to fight is incredibly important early on, everyone argues disagrees fights debates etc differently so learning a healthy way to do that and how you and your partner need to do that is super important.
like for example i get loud not disrespectful just high volume and once my wife realized that thats just how i am then she stopped getting worried that i was angry with her or stopped feeling that whatever i was upset with was her fault and just realized my volume control goes out the window during stress then things became so much better for us.
Gotta communicate. Know when to pause an argument cause emotions are too high. Arguments aren’t about winning either but about figuring out the underlying issue which honestly 75% of the time in our case is one or both is hangry. The other 25% is one person isn’t listening to the other fully.
We also do weekly checkins. Most weeks there’s not much to discuss. Some weeks there’s something one brings up. It’s a chance to talk things through from the past week but with some distance from the moment so emotions aren’t raw but this way things aren’t allowed to fester either.
Make time for each other. Life can get busy. Make sure you have some consistent one on one time. For us, there’s no kids which obvious makes an added challenge, but Friday evenings is for us to spend together. A special event will get an exception without issue, but the default is we are spending Friday evening together just us. Maybe it’s a proper date. Often it’s been a long week so we stay in, cuddle on the couch and watch something together.
A really healthy sense of humor.
Doing things ironically that benefit the relationship only to have them become habitual. On a road trip with the kid or when things are getting stressful, we joke “same team, same team” and high five, which becomes a regular reminder that we’re in this together even though it’s from a tiktok. We read Jane McGonigal’s Super Better in which she asks her loved ones, “How would you rate your day from 1 to 10? What can I do for you to move that one point in the positive?” So we check in and then do things to improve the other’s day. One of our family sayings is “Be kind to future you,” but that extends to your partner’s future. Lay the kid’s clothes out before you go to work because it improves your partner’s future that day. Load the dishes or washing machine when you see the sink/hamper is full, so your partner won’t have to. Justin McElroy once had a throwaway comment that great relationships aren’t each person doing 50/50 but each partner giving a 100% to the relationship. We try to live that.
The opposites attract thing is bullshit. You’re basic moral compass need to be the same.
You need to be friends
Like each other. Seriously.
Two things:
Communicate well and often. Don’t let little things fester unsaid and have them turn into bigger problems that lead to blowouts.
Embrace the MGI. That is, give your partner the Most Generous Interpretation. If she says, “is that what you’re wearing?” don’t just assume it was a bitchy comment about your style. Maybe it was a question just confirming whether you needed more time to get ready or change before going out. This goes back to #1 about communicating well. Sometimes we say things meaning A and it gets interpreted as meaning B, which you find offensive. Clarify things before getting upset and always assume your partner means well before reacting poorly. MGI!!
Stubbornness for each other.
Laughter
I am aromantic, but I just wanted to share an observation. Longevity doesn’t mean successful.
Not that I don’t believe that exists, probably does, but a lot of the long-term relationships in my (admittedly dysfunctional) environment are deeply knotted, complexly enmeshed, borderline abusive or abusive messes that only exist because of the sunk-cost fallacy.
My sister and her late husband were together for 20 years. 20 years of those deeply unhappy. Drag out, knock down screaming matches, until someone breaks down in tears almost every night. It was bad.
My aunt has been with her husband for 24, he beats her. She doesn’t leave. Etc.
Do not focus too much on the relationship with your partner. We rather (or have to) deal with other stuff to survive together. My life was like a war, and I am thankful that I have a partner that I could rely on most of times.
Mutal distain for other people and not wanting to live alone. Doesn’t matter what comes up, getting through it is better than trying to meet new people.
Inertia, enmeshment, and codependency 😅😅
Seriously, while these are components of a long-term relationship, communication, curiosity, kindness, openness, growth-mindset, and compassion are what makes long-term relationships work.
As Sandi Toksvig says, use the Buddy method. Works every time.
(Source: together 17 years, married 3, two kids, very happy, rarely argue. Was in a marriage before that didn’t employ the Buddy method and the difference was…well, I’m not married to them anymore)
Us vs the solution, not me vs her. Also, I’ve found having my own space in the house helps me recover, so that I can be more present when we’re together.
Maturity.
I think it says something that my best relationship ever (with her), and her best relationship ever (with me) … came about when we were both in our FORTIES.
Maturity can age you like fine wine or cheese. You accumulate wisdom, you learn how to control some of your idiosyncrasies. You learn patience. You learn, from years of experience, how best to interact with different kinds of people.
This stuff isn’t something you can teach in a book, and it’s not usually something you can accumulate over a mere 5 years.
It takes decades, and it also takes several failures for us to learn.
I’m not the same person I was at 40. And the person I was at 40, was not the same person I was at 30. We’re all crafted by our environments, our experiences. And if we’re really trying, we DO absorb a lot of things that turns into wisdom over time.
freedom no restrictions enjoy life king size
Before I committed to marriage I realized it was the right thing to do because I would rather be with her doing what she wanted than to hang out with the guys doing what that group wanted to do. And just as importantly she felt the same way. Over the years we have started doing things together that we both enjoy. This December we will hit 30 years of marriage plus 5 years dating before that. Things that we did right:
1.) not having kids right away, we married Dec.1995 and our first son was born Nov.1997.
2.) Moved away after marriage, it was a six hour drive to either parents from our place, it was great because we had to depend on each other, and neither of us could go home if we were mad.
3.) If you ignore everything else anyone says, listen to this! Listen to your spouse, but listen to learn, not just to reply. When you listen to learn you can develop an understanding of the other person and when you have that understanding your partner doesn’t tend to respond with things like “Fine”
4.) Good luck to you. I am about as happy as any mancould be, I have 4 boys, a hundred acres, and a wife who is almost done with menopause(IYKYK).
FYI, everything in the first couple of years of my marriage was by accident, but looking back if we had stayed close to home the mother-in-laws would have ruined our marriage with out any intention to do so.
Be each other’s best friend, try to know what you are good at and do it well, and what you aren’t and still try your best, don’t be doing vacations or weekends with friends without your spouse, keep sex life very active, always work on making yourself the best possible version.
Honesty and being open with each other about every facet of our lives. Lifting the other up when one is down. Loving one another as hard as we can and we say it out loud to each other as much as possible and show it even more in the actions we perform for one another. Also have your own hobbies, it isn’t always good to be with someone just like you, in other words have a partner that isn’t totally dependent on you for their entertainment. But above all else, if you help clean the house shit is always better.
She’s my, best friend. She is intelligent, caring, great sense of humor. Our marriage is not perfect, but we make it work.
People say it takes work and communication, but that never meant anything to me. Here’s how I see it…
Making your partner happy is your job. If you are with someone who sees the relationship the same way, you’ll be set for life. That’s the work. Letting your partner know what you need to be happy and what you are willing to do to make them happy, which changes all the time with every situation, that’s the communication.
Sometimes this process is pretty one-sided, but if you can find a balance you can live with, then you’re solid gold.
Fear of being alone, low self esteem and a terrible economy.
You are on the same side. Behave accordingly.
We’re best friends who genuinely respect and admire each other. That’s the basis for our partnership, the sex is a nice bonus but not the most important thing to either of us. And we communicate A LOT. Everything, the good and the bad. I teach him, and he teaches me. We’re both open to learning and improving ourselves. I don’t “change” him, he learns from me and improves himself b/c HE WANTS to, not because I make him – and vice versa. And when there’s a problem, talk talk talk. Get your feelings out and the other partner LISTENS.
As far as life responsibilities, we aim for equity. We both have an equal load of responsibilities, but if say he’s too tired to take out the garbage one day, I try to understand. If I’m too tired to vacuum one day, he’s like “no big deal, get some rest”. As long as we’re both self-aware and not trying to take advantage of the other, things ebb and flow. We’re empathetic to each other. We care about the other person, so we WANT them to be happy. We’re both looking out for each other, while still respecting and loving ourselves.
Honestly, self-love and respect is also a huge one. How can I expect him to love me if I don’t even love myself? We have love and high standards for ourselves first – and this translates to each other. And if there’s a problem, TALK!
The responses here are highly biased towards couples who are together and are in a good relationship. There are just as many couples who stay together just as longand are in terrible dysfunctional cohabitations – and I don’t mean abuse or constant arguments. People stay together because only one person brings in the money or the kids or just because the routine is familiar. Don’t ask what’s the secret to staying together. Anyone can stay together. Better to find out how to know the person you are committing a huge chunk of your life to is compatible – usually that will come down to whether or not the two of you share similar outlooks on life and whether or not you feel you’ll be happier if other person will change to make you content after marriage – if it’s no to the first and/or yes to the second, they’re not for you and you are not for them.
Source: life
Make sure the one you choose is a friend aswell as a partner, and never go to sleep angry.
Being with someone you like. Is it that hard to figure out?
No secret recipe for me- I simply just choose him . Everyday.
Together 27 & married (twice; for fun) for 14 years if that’s relevant or helps
Arguments are about addressing conflicts and stress points, NOT WINNING OR BEING RIGHT.
Act like it.
Petting the sweaty things and not sweating the petty things.
Have the ‘i’m really into you, im making a effort and making time for you’ sex, even when you don’t feel like it. It really keeps you close. Ps not talking the quickie maintenance sex
Be best friends first. That platonic foundation goes a loooong way
Ignorance is bliss lol
Don’t complain about your spouse to anyone else, unless you have discussed those complaints with your spouse first. They aren’t going to read your mind. Fair discussions, no manipulation. You don’t “win” fights.
Compromise, if you can accept that neither one of you is perfect and can take the rough with the smooth, and have a sold base to start with, and remember what got you together in the first place, this helps a LOT! Accept one anothers flaws and all.
It’s not you against your spouse, it’s you and your spouse against the problem. Work together. Talk it out. 20 years in May
Being willing to bring up and work through challenges. It has to be a safe enough space where either you or your partner can bring up problems and work on them together. You’re a team always. Not adversaries. My husband and I have been together for 17 years.
Our goals are always cooperative goals, success for one of us is a success for both of us.
We use the moto “marriage is a competition of kindness” and try to live by those words.
Although we enjoy each other’s looks now, we didn’t marry for looks. We married for the “in sickness and health” and plan to age and get ugly together. We both know anything could happen and we might end up being a caregiver for the other. That’s life baby! That’s love!
If we go to bed angry we have to touch toes. Physical contact melts all kinds of tension.
We both intentionally earn and give trust.
We really try to hear each other during disagreements, instead of talking past the other or just waiting to make our next point.
We have shared hobbies and separate hobbies.
Lots of good stuff here about communication and emotional honesty, but the real answer is separate bathrooms
There’s no secret. Listen to each other. Make sure to prioritize each other’s needs. Be supportive. Don’t be a dick. Everyone fights sometimes. Won’t always see eye to eye, but understanding or at least trying to be open minded enough to see the other’s perspective is crucial. Above all, communicate often and honestly. Be worthy of the trust both must have in each other to make it work.
There’s no secret, it’s just not easy all the time. And knowing that, and getting through it together is what builds strong relationships.
Have separate rooms and bathrooms. Having my own space/ bed is the best.
Honesty, communication, and being best friends.
We are best friends and genuinely enjoy spending time together .
You don’t have to do absolutely everything together and always be in lock step. It’s ok to have different interests or hobbies. And it’s ok to not have dinner together sometimes. Your partner is a whole other person, not one half of a couple.
It’s not always easy and love alone isn’t enough. You have to decide to be with them, over and over
smart, hot, acts like an adult
A friend (haha) who had many divorces was given advice to be polite. Then his next marriage lasted 20 years before he passsed away. I’ve been married 42 years. I must be doing the polite thing too.
Forgiveness
An old friend is a therapist and recently posted a video on the USCEDU instagram. She mentions healthy relationships, such as having own hobbies and interests outside of relationship, not choosing between “me and we”, etc. And as someone who has been in a happy relationship for over a decade, everything she said made sense and applied to us, so I would check out her video.
We’re really good at arguing. If we have a problem, we take some time to cool off and think about it, and then we come together and talk it out honestly. We don’t blow up at each other, and we aren’t always trying to be “right” or win an argument. We also try not to go to bed angry at each other. Kindness and empathy go a long way.
patience, communication even when you dont feel like it, regular sex at least twice a week, stop watching porn, dont really spend time on social media, make time for one one dates even if its only once per month (this is for when you have kids obviously) dont be shy to try new things. Avoid financial struggle if possible obviously. There thats about it i think the big lines
Don’t say anything u can’t take back
Communicate your needs and invest in their needs.
It’s NEVER 50/50. Some days it’s 80/20, some days it’s 60/40. On other days, it’s 20/20, 15/35, etc. Somedays you don’t have much to give, and that’s OK.
You’re going to have off days. Talk to them. Love them on the bad and the good.
Know that seasons come and go. Some periods will be easy, some will be difficult. Know your core values as individuals and as a couple. It will be your North Star. Do you both value financial security as a family? Then that helps you know the goals of things like savings and bonuses.
You will each grow, together and separately. This can sometimes be scary but it’s also an opportunity to keep things interesting. Check in with each other and see what’s working and what no longer is. Huge life changes like kids, news jobs, loss of parents, means times of more communication and checking in on your core values.
Fighting is not always a bad thing. Sometimes you just need to have it out. Learn to forgive over things that ultimately won’t matter, and know how to work through things that do.
Every time you’re annoyed or upset with them, think of what you love about them and what you’re grateful for. Also, don’t let the little stuff feel like big stuff just because it’s your partner.
I love her
Honestly. Being faithful also helps.
Don’t give up on each other when time gets hard. Always listen to them when they are going through it and understand that a relationship is a two street, you need to give in order to receive.
Also be able to make adjustments. Silly example: I (32M) no longer pee standing to avoid dirtying the toilet.
Don’t forget to stay playful 😈
Leaving isn’t financially responsible
People change over time. It’s important that you’re changing together, but realize that won’t always happen. Every year won’t be your best year, but every year won’t be your worst year either. Your relationship is like garden, that needs to constant pruning, changes, watering, whatever. If you ignore all the small things over time and suddenly, it’s a big deal to fix anything. It’s way harder to fix it without pulling everything out and starting over. Problems don’t get resolved in one conversation.
Relationships are never 50/50. Life goes through seasons so sometimes it’s 60/40, sometimes it’s 70/30, sometimes it’s 10/90 if the sky has fallen for your partner. Stop complaining about it. What should never happen is you taking on the majority of the load forever but when our partner is down, we step up. That’s it. No questions asked.
Been married since 1998, and I was 18 and she was 21. Lots and lots of time together and great sex. We had nothing before we met and no financial support. Everything we have gone through and have today was all thanks to us being a team.
We don’t lie to each other, ever.
Have things you like to do together, but also things you can do apart. Being the couple that does every single thing together is extremely overrated.
Don’t discuss your problems with people outside of your relationship. Obviously you can talk about your partner but you have to be careful because if you’re going to forgive them, your friends and family won’t and can cause unneeded tension.
Be honest, always.
Let your partner be their own person, love them for who they are and not who you want them to be or who you think they should be.
Always take the other person into consideration.
Don’t get too complacent and stop doing the little things. Show them you’re thinking about them even if it’s just a random treat or something little you saw you know they would like. It goes a long way.
Communication, marry your best friend, have times together, but also:
Romantisize your relationship. I tend to blow the negatives out of proportions, especially when I’m tired and frustrated. Made a conscious effort to first, blow the good out of proportion too, and then second, even minimise the negatives.
Please note that I’m talking about cooking my favorite food or leaving shoes by the door. Not about big things.
It also helps to stop and put myself in his pov.
Treat each other as you want to be treated. Be more than lovers, be friends. Enjoy each other company and quirks. Respect each others boundaries and opinion. Be together because you want to be with each other, not because you need to be together. Married 35 years, zero sex the last 20 for medical reasons.
Poverty
Schedule Sexytime. (Even if you have a busy schedule with kids) 🙂
“All you need is love” is one of the biggest loads of shit I have ever heard.
It takes work and dedication. Love won’t carry you through conflict. Investment in your relationship will.
Keep it simple. Don’t try to be someone else. Don’t compare. Be truthful n don’t cheat. Keep the spark on. Never let your ego come in between. If he/she not giving his/her 100% stand up it’s your turn to be big one in the relationship. It’s just the phases. You already married means you have given you commitment. Now it’s on you as keeping with it. Fight harder n make love passionate n louder. It’s very easy !!
Open communication, which honestly I still struggle with (I’m a bottler), friendship, and love. I am still in love with him and it doesn’t seem like it’s been 10 years
Communicate, don’t let things fester, be consistent, don’t be an asshole, admit to your mistakes and learn from them.
15 years – talk honestly with each other about what you need. Communication really will solve a lot. Also, allow each other to be human.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 2! We met in middle school and started dating in high school.
After we got married, people would always ask “what’s married life like?” but it honestly wasn’t any different than how things were before.
I genuinely enjoy being around my wife. We have so much fun. And it’s so cliche to say, but she honestly is my absolute best friend.
Check in with each other. Something you agreed on previously may’ve changed. Feelings and situations change. Approach it with open curiosity and open to the idea that how you think it should be may not be the best way forward
Maybe it’s obvious, but laugh together a lot and have lots of personal jokes, make names for everyone in the ‘hood. Sometimes I feel I’m with my 8 year old bff.
Communication. Also, nobody is perfect, as long as they’re trying. For example, he’s not great at planning but I am so we balance each other out by him doing other things to help.
The secret is booze and earplugs.
We have three kids and our lives have never stopped moving I honestly think we haven’t come up for air to figure out that we’ve been married for 14 years or how we’ve done it
I have been in an interracial marriage for almost 20 years now. The secrets to us staying married come down to this:
– We talk a lot about how we first met
– We don’t expect or put pressure on the other person to change
– We like to do things just to make the other person smile
– We baby each other like children from time to time
– The relationship is based on us being good to each other; not lustful
– We never fall asleep angry at each other
– There is never an argument we take too seriously
– We allow each other space when necessary
– She loves to cook. I love to drive. We both take care of the house together
– We do not let money or family dynamics get in the way of us being happy
I could rant for a day on why relationships are tougher today than in years past. I will save that for later.
Keep dating your spouse. Keep taking care of yourself. Try to be an interesting person and share your life with your spouse, don’t just make them your life. Or assume you got the bag and now can coast through life. Be the kind of person they want to be proud to be with.
Grow WITH your person, not FOR your person
Maintain your independence while including them in your world where they fit.
I hate everyone else
Talk and bring the other person in decision making. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked on things I know my wife will be fine with but I always ask. It shows I care. She does the same thing.
She’s my best friend…EVER AND FOREVER!
I work days, she works nights…
Her secret was moving me to her country and keeping me broke so that I can’t move out. I don’t even have a place to return in my home country, I’d be homeless if I leave.
Be willing to fight for the relationship, this includes verbal arguments. Ignoring issues to protect the peace would never and will never work for me.
Alcohol
Communication trust and honesty
Marry your best friend 😂 14 years
Empathy, listening, hearing, kindness, chocolate and saying “love you”, “you look good” and being able to show emotions.
She does the same. 30 years.
Find someone whose crazy matches your crazy (so to speak).
We’re each other’s best friends. Laugh together. Individual therapy to help with individual issues and learn tools for better communication.
Marry your best friend. I annoy him, he annoys me – but we’re besties for life. We have each other’s backs no matter what. We communicate openly and call each other out on any bullshit.
I don’t know. We just love each other and the life we have.
A relationship isn’t 50 percent effort from each. It’s 100 percent effort from each.
Don’t lie to each other, ever. If you’re doing something that you believe will cause them pain, don’t do it.
Swinging
Don’t cheat and don’t beat. I’m convinced 95% of marriages end because of one of these two things.
Also, combine finances. All income. There is no my money and her money. Just our money. Discuss larger expenses and investments. You are a team.
Constructive arguments are essential.
Overcoming adversity together. 43 years and counting. We have survived terminal cancer diagnosis, earthquakes, tsunamis, robberies and most importantly amazing adventures.
Good sex and honest communication.
Communication: if we are off one day we tell the other. I’ll just text him that I’m sad for reason xyz, or I’m having a rough day at work and I’m sorry if I’m moody tonight. And just typing it out sometimes makes me feel better. And if not, he’s there to help me smile.
My husband is just starting on anti depressants and for a few good months I had to pick up the slack as well as pester him to talk to someone. I still am pestering him to get out of the house and take some alone time. We check in on each other every couple weeks or if we notice some kind of change. We support each other in almost every thing we do.
having each others backs is a big one too. When my husband has hit a low, I try to ride a high. We have two small kids and if one of us is getting overly angry the other steps in and lets them cool down.