I had baby 6 months ago and have since been reflecting on my family and its dynamic. Adding into that I recently finished a graduate degree (doctorate) at 3 months postpartum and was excited to go to graduation next month. My degree caused a lot of stress in my pregnancy and so I was looking forward to celebrating my achievement but it seems to have triggered an avalanche of feelings for me.
I don’t know how to shorthand the history fully but basically both my mom and sister have made me feel really let down. Growing up, my mom was a single parent and did the best she could but on reflection, I resent that her best included being a functional alcoholic, exposing me to inappropriate sexual behaviours while I was in the same house, and generally refusing to admit fault for any parenting issues I pointed out through the years.
My mom and sister have also had their own issues with each other for years, but I moved far away from them 6+ years ago, and they seem to make their relationship work for the most part.
I live a couple hundred miles away and they have only met my baby twice – at 1 month they visited me, and when he was 3 months I travelled with him to visit them. I was upset that they didn’t offer to visit before/close to birth, but then my birth itself was incredibly traumatic and I sort of let it go and focused on recovery and raising my baby. In all the time since, they haven’t really engaged with him. They don’t make any effort to arrange visits, they don’t ask about me or him, and I was sending photos/videos daily without prompt before we fell out recently.
We have recently fallen out because I invited them to my graduation and one made excuses about not being able to come, and the other didn’t respond at all with confirmation or not. I got frustrated and told them I was feeling let down in general, and was berated by my sister as a result. She told me I’m acting entitled, that I was rude when I expressed that I’m feeling hurt, and that I should be asking for support if I’m struggling mentally. I explained again that due to family history I dont feel I can ask them for help, and that even her response at first (and then radio silence since I wrote back) shows that I can’t rely on them.
I think overall I’m at the end of my rope with both because having my baby now has made me realize how much effort I’ve always put into my family and how little they’re actually putting back into me. I’m processing a lot of trauma from my life in general, and now adding on to that the trauma of a difficult birth and very little family support. I signed up for counselling recently and when I explained how sad I’ve been feeling about it all, my therapist said she had goosebumps and could feel how raw everything is for me right now. It’s still early days so I don’t have any tangible solution to deal with the situation, and I don’t have another appointment until next week but I’m struggling in this moment.
I don’t know what to do about any of this because I guess I had expected that family issues might get better after I had my baby, because they’d want to see him, but now I just feel so disappointed. I think this latest let down had amplified other issues I was holding on to. Plus having my baby makes me reflect on things that happened to me as a child, and I just feel so angry now that I was put in many situations that I would never dream of putting my own child in.
I guess I’m posting here because I want to know if others have been in a similarly disappointing situation and how they got through it? I know being PP is making emotions feel more intense, but I think I’m also grieving the hope I had that the dynamic might improve with my baby in the mix.
TL:DR – Disappointed and angry with my family at 6 months postpartum, was hoping the family dynamic would get better because of baby, it seems to be getting worse.
Comments
Babies can’t fix dysfunctional relationships. Just accept the fact that they are not supportive and bring nothing positive to your life.
You’ll feel much lighter once you give up on having expectations from people who clearly don’t care.
Focus on yourself and your child. That’s what matters.
Therapy!
Therapy is the best way to process family relationships.
The alcoholic is always the center of the family dynamic. There’s no room for you at the center, even with a major life achievement (congratulations!) and a baby (congratulations!).
Therapy! It’s so helpful especially postpartum.
You finished your doctorate postpartum?
I am incredibly in awe of you, you’re a rockstar and I hope you know that.
That being said, it must be incredibly disappointing that you’re not getting this validation from your mother and sister, when this would be the normal, expected thing in a normal family.
So now that we’ve established that this is outside of the normal, maybe you can take time for yourself to stop chasing that love and validation which will not come from clearly broken people. Adjust your expectations, you can’t expect love from a snake.
Make your own family, DNA is not a requirement.
I think you shouldn’t be looking to your blood relatives for validation and fulfillment. This reads to me like you have explicit and implicit expectations of a healthy, nurturing family of your sister and mother. But, from your short post, it seems like you don’t have a healthy, nurturing family with these two. So these disjointed expectations are causing your more stress and harm than just accepting the shortcomings of these relationships.
Easy for a stranger to say. I think continuing to share in therapy is a good course
Hey, mad props to you for keeping it together through all this, it’s rough as hell. Fam can be a letdown but remember you can pick your fam too, doesn’t always have to be blood. Got mad respect for you pulling off that doctorate with a bun in the oven, no small feat! Just keep doing you, raise that lil’ one right, and cut ties if they ain’t bringing anything but negativity. Surely those therapist sessions gonna bring some insight, keep counting on those too. Yr journey’s tough, you’re tougher, remember that!
Yes. My family isn’t as outwardly dysfunctional, but when I was pregnant and had an infant I realized how one sided our relationships were. I was the kid that was there for everyone, and nobody could be bothered to be there for me. It took me a long time to completely let it go, but I wish I had sooner
Focus on yourself, your healing. Grieve the relationships you thought you had, because it’s clear they are not going to be there for you. Find other supports and go be happy. It’s very freeing to let go of those expectations but it’s not easy.
Congratulations on your new baby, it’s a hard time but hopefully brings some joy. I’ve found it healing to parent my child the way I wish I’d been parented.