A couple years ago, my brother and his now ex-wife were in the process of buying a house so they could move out. They had been living at my parent’s house for about 6 months after getting married, and wanted a place of their own.
I was renting an apartment (still am) and always dreamed of buying my own place so I asked to tag along whenever they went to look at properties. I know how much my brother makes because he’s mentioned it to me, and his ex-wife worked in HR and he said she made “around $60K” so their income was decent, but not that great, especially in this economy. They looked at a bunch of condos, duplexes, townhomes, but settled on a house because his ex-wife was in love with it. Only problem? It was around $750K. There’s then closing costs and they’d also have to decorate their house and buy new furniture so I told him the final cost will probably be closer to $800K after all is said and done. They both had some savings, but it was not nearly enough for a down payment. I told him to reconsider because the house was beyond their means, but he wanted to make his wife happy so he asked my parents to co-sign (I refused and said I was planning to get my own place soon) AND asked to borrow money from my parents and me to make the down payment. I didn’t want to because I’ve always read that mixing finances with family always ends up badly, but my parents kept nagging at me to it because they were hoping that by my brother moving out, they would get grandchildren in the near future.
I reluctantly agreed to loan them (nothing in writing, I know, I know..) $30K, while my parents pitched in $45K, and they got the house. Fast forward to 2 years later, my brother and his ex-wife started having problems and she asked for a divorce. He told our family that he was blindsided. They sold the house a couple months later, but the house had fallen close to 5% due to the housing market. After realtor fees and other fees, they distributed the money based on what they put in. But because of the drop in value and realtor fees, my brother couldn’t pay me and my parents back right away. That was about a year ago.
To this day, I’ve only gotten $15K back, only because I’m always on his ass to pay me back on a regular schedule. I have no idea what he still owes my parents. I suspect he hasn’t paid them back that much or any at all.
So here’s the kicker, my brother recently had a mental/emotional breakdown in the middle of our weekly family dinner. He said he was depressed because he felt he was falling behind in life, and the marriage and house purchase/sell really set him back financially. Mind you, he still works full time, moved back with my parents where he pays cheap rent, traded his car in for a newer one, and goes on vacation with his friends to Vegas, Mexico, etc.
When my parents got me alone, they told me due to my brother’s hardship, they had decided that they would forgive the remaining balance that he still owed them. I asked them how much he still owed them and my dad asked why? I asked him if they would be giving me the same amount and he said no because I didn’t need the money. He then asked how much he still owed me and I told him $15K. My parents then told me I should consider forgiving his debt as well. I got furious and told them no because he promised he’d pay it back in full as that was the deal. My dad said I had a lot of money saved up so I can afford to give up $15K. I stupidly shared with my parents that I had close to $150K saved up because I thought they’d be proud of me.
Anyway, we got into an argument and my dad said my brother does so much for them and the house (I don’t live there anymore!) so he deserves a break. The argument ended up with me storming out the house. I never said I would forgive my brother’s debt. Last night, my brother texted me and said that he was told by my father that I agreed to forgive his debt and asked if that’s true. I still have not responded…
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Do not forgive his debt. What you have saved is not relevant to the situation but for the record I’m proud of you and impressed. Just because your parents want to forgive the debt doesn’t mean you have to..I think he’s pretty entitled to even think you should. He’s not your child.
That was unfair of them to do that to you. They have put you in a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation. There is, as you see it clearly, no reason to forgive 15k. As you see it, he seems very cavalier about his obligations and seems to make decisions based on what he wants now instead of the more prudent what can I afford. Forgiving this debt will not help his mental state, it will not make him whole, it will not help him learn.
I think you need to do what is best for you which is what is best for him. The fact that you don’t ‘need’ the money is irrelevant. You earned it and he has gotten to live a life you have not with your money. I would tell him that they misspoke, you have not forgiven the debt and would like to be paid back. Then let the family make you the bad guy over this, a situation they caused and one you now have to deal with.
What mom and dad do is their call.
Just tell him “no”.
My parents did this shit all the time with me. They would put me into situations that were uncomfortable for me, pressured me into agreeing. When things eventually went wrong, they just expected me to forgive and forget like it never happened. They didn’t want to take accountability.
This kind of shit went on until I had a full mental breakdown. Do not let people walk all over you.
NTA – tell him simply dad lied. I need my money back.
Tell your brother that he needs to give you something each week.
You need to be made whole- who pay the remaining $15k should not matter, as long as it gets paid. If your dad offered up for you to forgive the debt from the brother, make dad pay it instead. One of them needs to pay it.
Your parents are very shitty people. They bullied you into loaning the money and then bully you into letting it go unpaid.
Send a group text to Mom, Dad and Bro saying you didn’t want to loan the money to begin with, but now, between the three of them, it needs to be returned. If they refuse, take it to court. Honestly, the Ex wife should probably be on the hook for some of those funds as well!
People are very generous with other people’s money! Your brother made his choices, he must pay back what he borrowed. You aren’t his piggy bank. Would he do the same for you. I bet $15,000 he would never even loan you the money.
Ask for half the money that’s still owed and forgive the rest of the debt. This is a practical solution and will let you still move forward in your life. It’s a bit of an expensive lesson but learn from it and never loan to friends or family.
You absolutely should not forgive the debt – it sounds like you understandably don’t want to, and it’s not at all okay that you’re parents are pressuring you. Another angle no one seems to have considered is that your brother has already sucked up an extra $45,000 that would likely have been a shared inheritance. So, not only are they saying that it’s cool that your brother gets more family dosh than you, they’re trying to get you to give up what he owes you because he mismanaged a property purchase (by buying above his means) and cries poor and does a few things around the place, like that’s worth $45,000. You might have some savings, but you’re renting and getting older every year and will need all the funds you can get to secure housing at some point. I feel for you cause I’ve been screwed by a sibling in a similar way, but I was honest with my dad about how I felt about it and how stressed I am about whether I’ll ever get into the property market and he at least rectified it in his will by giving my brother less to adjust for the difference.
If it makes you feel any better I saved my sister from bankruptcy when I got my first big check when I was 21 and her and her fiance were 2-4 years older… spent 15k & consolidated about 21k in debt for them, saved them $750 of minimum payments which they would have never paid off, asked for $200 a month no interest… she paid me 2 times… it’s sad
At times when I was down & not doing well financially I harbored resentment because they are both dumbasses with money and always spend above their means and don’t pay anyone back.
A mentor gave me some advice that changed my mind forever “sometimes when you loan someone money, there’s a reason they need a loan in the first place and you shouldn’t always count on them to pay it back”
I love my niece & nephews and know I helped them a ton (there credit bounced back after and luckily the homeowner they were renting from allowed them to buy the home off market for a steal) they are homeowners now and still have a motorcycle , camper, muscle car but when a tire goes flat they don’t have money to replace it….
Insane.
After bringing it up a few times (speaking the truth) it has damaged the relationship but if your brother can pay you back, keep on him. I’ll ask them eventually when the kids are older but for now I’ve found peace in accepted i helped family out of good faith and they didn’t repay out of whatever physiological framework they share that lets them be financially irresponsible & disrespectful to those who helped when they were in need.
I love them both but the relationship has strained & needless to say I’ve loaned my sister probably 2-400 bucks since then (9 years ago) & she doesn’t ask when they need large amounts.
People who know they take advantage of family financially usually have shame around it so it can be a touchy subject but your brother seems cool to have already paid back half.
I’d stay on him and ask for a reasonable amount but maybe try to request more around tax returns or something and remind him you want to never have to ask him about it again.
Keep the relationship first and foremost and don’t let a couple bucks spoil family like it has me.
I can identify. My parents borrowed from me over my lifetime. Never paying me back. My brother borrowed from my parents a lot. My parents sold a house full of furniture to my sister and she never paid them. I actually paid for the furniture when it was new. My parents got me to pay for my sister’s wedding. When my parents died my brother inherited most of what they had. It seems everyone thought I was doing so well I didn’t deserve being payed back. I did do well in life with a beautiful family and we love where we live. Reading your story made me remember my own family and money. Non of them come to visit us. We had to go there. Don’t forgive that loan as it will show your are an easy touch for the future. I did forgive all the loans but was always seen as outside my family. My mother told me on my wedding day, I am losing a son, not gaining a daughter. I was there only child to not divorce, to not disown there children.
You and your brother are adults. This is not your father’s business. If he wants to forgive the debt, fine, but you are under no obligation to do so.
Your brother is getting away with a lot. Yes, divorce is hard, but life gets hard sometimes.
I’d also stop talking finances with your parents. You’re an adult, and your money isn’t their business. Whether you have $15 saved, or $150K saved, your brother still owes you money.
Sue him.
A deal is a deal.. you helped him out, he has to repay you the money.
Just tell him no, its not correct.
Since he can afford a new car and vacations, surely he can repay you your money.. If the parent can write his debt off, its on them alone.
Money, family, friends and coworkers don’t mix. And family because of the family linkage use that inside track to abuse, take for granted and have expectations that you must or will forgive or overlook their abuse because ‘we family’, the worlds biggest financial and psychological abusers. It’s a very expensive lesson, but hopefully you’ve learned your lesson.
I wouldn’t forgive Mother Teresa money she owed me. Tell your brother to be a big boy and pay back his debt back.
If nothing is signed, you can’t legally make him pay anything, OP.
You can only tell him, calmly and rationally, that if he doesn’t pay the 15K, you will have no choice but to consider him a bad financial risk. And that means that you won’t loan him anything else, since there’s no hope of repayment, and that his choice is whether to pay this comparatively small amount, or give up any hope of future credit with you.