new account as some people in my family have connections to my old one.
sorry if my writing is bad or disjointed, i’m honestly shocked and in pieces right now.
I, (17F) was recently staying at my dads after school broke up, he lives in the countryside and has a farm which i grew up on. my parents divorced when i was 10 and we moved away. As a child, 6 years old ish, i was out with my dad as he worked. i was running around and i tripped on something, causing me to fall down and land chin first against a jagged concrete wall. immediately, blood poured from my mouth and i lost 3 baby teeth, the pain was immense, i can still picture it clearly to this day. although somehow, my chin was not split open.
i remember feeling like my chin bones were pulled apart and misaligned, around my jaw aswell. i was obviously screaming and crying, and my dad hears me and comes towards me, tells me to shut up and he stands behind me. he takes each hand on either side of my jaw, yanking my jawbones, causing more and more pain, until he looked and thought my face looked normal again. he told me not to tell my mum, who was abroad with an ill family member for around a month at this time.
it is a miracle to me that my adult teeth grew in straight, and i don’t have an underbite or an overbite, but cosmetically the lack of medical attention had dire consequences. my chin is disfigured. if i had been to hospital then maybe they would have xrayed me and made sure i wouldnt grow up to be unsatisfied with my appearance. half of my chin is lop sided and jagged and half is round, and i get constant jaw pain. my jaw has bruxism and i am considering masseter botox and even cosmetic surgery to correct it as it has become such a problem for me as i grew older, causing teasing, insecurity, and low confidence. i more recently told my mum of my concerns and she was horrified to learn of what really happened, as she never knew the story, and yet more angry with my dad. she called him and i had to de escalate the situation. she was yelling all the same-old-same-old about how he is a bad father and even threw in words like abuse and neglect. she demanded to him to pay for plastic surgery for me- something i’m not even sure of yet- and a whole load more of angry words. i was angry at her reaction as him and her have been divorced for many years and i feel like this is something between me and my dad since i’m older now and would rather not have them fight like they used to, life has moved on.
anyways, when i stayed down at his lately he brought it up and was under the impression i wanted to get plastic surgery ASAP. he told me i was being vain, only ‘bimbos’ get plastic surgery, and especially that he would not pay for it since it was in the past and he never did anything to me. i protested and said i never wanted him to pay for anything, i have a job and have savings which if i decided to, i could afford something to be done in the future. he asked me if i was angry at him. i said no, as as i’ve grown up i’ve learned to let sleeping dogs lie and to move on with my life, he made many a mistake through my childhood but he is still my dad and does his best at the end of the day. but secretly, i do have some sort of resentment underneath.
on the last weekend of my week at my dads, around a month ago, my dads fiancé, who is a wonderful and caring woman by all regards, pulled me aside and was asking me things about my childhood. she knows that things were a little rough sometimes, and that my dad was not an attentive father, but probably nothing in depth. she told me that after my mum called my dad and the yelling argument happened, my dad told her what happened when i was a child and she was ‘astounded’ (her words) she told me that that was disgusting and neglectful of him and since then she hasn’t been able to look at him the same since, and she had been thinking of how he is as a person more deeply and wanted to know more information about him before he met her.
i was taken aback, but since she is lovely, warm, and friendly, i sort of vented lots of things and told her things that i even struggle talking about. she was really kind and told me the whole usual you didn’t deserve that, which i know, and i don’t actively get bothered by my childhood experiences anymore as i’ve grown up and moved on and like to focus on the right now. the next morning i take the train back upcountry to my mums house.
anyway, last night, i was completing coursework for my A-Levels, as i’m going into year 13 in September and am aiming for a top university. i get a call from my dad, and he is livid. i have never heard such a combination of anger and absolute.. despondence. he yelled at me that i had ruined his life and me and my mum were scheming btches who ruined his life year after year, that i couldnt be happy for him and his life was ruined now. i asked him what on earth was he talking about, and he told me his fiancée had changed her mind and she wasnt going to marry him anymore, and she cancelled the wedding scheduled for next year. i started crying, genuinely because she is a lovely woman and i was happy that he was with someone who fit him perfectly and she was … seemingly happy with him too. they even talked of having another child, which i was also very happy for them for. as an only child , a baby sibling would be amazing.
he yelled at me and argued at me, calling things like attention seeking, vengeful, btch, he also told me he was glad my face was messed up and i should have just stopped crying over it, and looking this way is my punishment for being ‘self absorbed’. all i could do was cry, i’m honestly in such a terrible state right now. the relationship with my dad has been rocky, but for the past 5 or so years it had been getting much better i feel, and now i feel like everything has gone down the drain. wasted. this year will be tough on me, A-Levels, university applications, my work, and regardless, i just want a good relationship with him. i never meant to make his fiancée leave him, i honestly didnt. but i put my foot in it, clearly. i havent got out of bed all day, i cant stop crying over how badly i messed up: and i don’t even want to tell my mum about it, she would make it worse by calling him and yelling at him more.
but yeah, thats my story i guess. i’m unsure if i’m the a hole for bringing up old skeletons from the closet, even unintentionally, or how i solve this situation. am i the a hole?
edit: i have been in therapy from ages 13-15, for sort of related, sort of unrelated issues that stemmed from just life i guess, i was in a hospital for severe eating disorder but have since got better and i am healthy now. therapy helped as i unpacked a lot and helped me see the truth about my dad, but still i feel conflicted and terrible as i know he put in effort more recently to be a better father and person in general i suppose
Comments
I find it very hard to believe this occurred. If you had regular dental care that would include X-rays and those would show if your jaw was growing abnormally from a prior break. It would not be a surprise to your mother that there was a prior trauma at this point.
A doctor likely also would behave order X-rays or other imaging when your jaw became asymmetric and you reported pain.
Why don’t you capitalize words??? When you start a sentence, capitalize it, it’s really hard to read something without it. You should have told your mother as soon as possible. Your mother didn’t notice that you are ‘disfigured’? I doubt it is noticeable to most people & you are not grown enough to get surgery until you see a doctor. Go see a doctor about this first before trying to make any decisions.
Just go to the dentist and get a referral to an oral facial surgeon. Your dad’s a lost cause. It sounds like you’re pretty well adjusted considering. You did the woman a huge favor. Stay in touch with her, there’s no rule against it. NTA
Your father is trash and neglectful at BEST for what he did then and the fact that he can’t take accountability by apologizing AND paying for your potential surgery. But this has to be AI because why you keep calling his fiancé a lovely woman?
Nah that’s crazy, u are definitely not the a hole.
NTA. Meh you didn’t ruin his life he did. He hasn’t changed and honestly this gives me she was already going to cancel everything and the talk with you just confirmed it vibes. I will spell it out she wants kids but not with him so she left to find someone she does want to have kids with. It’s pretty simple.
NTA. Not getting you medical care after such a bad fall WAS abusive and neglectful of your father. It’s not your job to make him feel better about that or to shield him from the consequences of his actions/inaction.
I just want to add that in your case, plastic surgery would not be a silly, vain thing. You have been disfigured, and, even worse, YOU ARE IN PAIN. Surgery could greatly improve your quality of life, so you should really consider it. Things tend to hurt more as you age, so I’m worried for you.
NTA
You really don’t want to accept it but your father is a monster op. Having him in your life will only cause you extreme suffering and stress.
You saved that poor woman. As other comments have said, this is something that can and should be sorted.
NTA. Everyone here was great except your father, which is rare in these scenarios.
Your dad is a very classic case of a narcissist toxic parent. He is gaslighting you. You are not the reason she left him – he is. She saved herself and you helped. My parents neglect also left me with a deformity that should have been dealt with in infancy – you do not move on from that, definitely not at 17! You have every right to harbor bad feelings about it. As you get older and fix the issue – you might truly move on and forgive. But trust me – it takes time.
You are not a bimbo or whatever he called you to get your deformity fixed, but you fixing it will reflect badly on him , it will be telling the world loud and clear that he caused you damage. It will make him look bad – there is no greater threat for a narcissist.
He is not feeling remorse – he should!!! That’s because he is a narcissist
You are not the AH, you have an abusive parent who is
He is not worth a single tear or a single second in bed.
Get up, hold your head and chin up high and TRULY move on – fix what is bothering as soon as you can (you deserve to feel good in your own body – it DOES NOT make you shallow) , ace your tests and become the person you want to be. Leave HIM in the past.
You didn’t mess up. You were six years old! How did your mother not know something was wrong when she got back in country? Your face had to have been screwed up and you would have still been in pain. What did he tell your mom? No one took you to the hospital or doctor? You did both those women a favor. They got the real picture. No young adult wants a step mother or father the exact same age as them. The second woman saw what his real character is and that’s why she bowed out. Your dad to say you as a six year old deserved it! If he would have taken you to the hospital it would have been fixed. Your dad is a lying POS and hopefully he never finds a decent woman. Stay away from him and do not defend him to your mom. Your mom is right.
Hang on. You mentioned A levels so I’m guessing your in the UK, where healthcare is free and your dad still didn’t take you to the hospital.
Honey your relationship with your dad was getting better because you subjugated yourself and your needs to get along with him.
You smashed your face lost teeth and were bleeding with a dislocated jaw. What he did was 100% abuse and neglect. There is no way to spin that otherwise which is why he had to tell you never to tell anyone.
As soon as a parent is saying to a child don’t tell anyone about this they most likely are in the wrong.
Your father was using you as an accessory to prove that he could feel good about himself. I couldn’t have been that bad my kids still comes to visit
You owe him nothing and you owe yourself peace and therapy
Your dad did some awful procedure to “fix” your jaw when I bet he had no medical experience at all. He did it in a country where medical attention would be free. He told you not to tell anyone. He has refused accountability. He’s not a good dad. His fiancee knew he wasn’t a good dad or person so left. That’s on him.
I wonder if your getting upset with your mom for yelling at your dad is part of your trauma response to an abuser. We think that if we can manage the abusers emotions and keep them from getting more upset, that they won’t hurt us. Between this and the story about your dad’s current partner, it sounds like you’re spending a lot of time trying to manage your father’s emotions and save him from the consequences of his own actions.
I would like to really encourage you to get therapy, and look for someone who specializes with victims of child abuse. I also really hope that you get the surgery you need to be pain-free.
One day you’re going to be very proud of yourself for being honest with the women in this story. I hope you can feel that sooner rather than later.
NTA
It’s not your fault that your father did something horrible to you. The reaction of his fiance is normal, especially if she was planning on children with him!
NTA. The fact that your father reacted that way over the phone when his fiance broke things off indicates that he hasn’t changed. You spared his kind and loving fiance a marriage to a cruel person who isn’t willing to admit their mistakes or make things right. Thank goodness this stuff from the past came out when it did so his fiance took notice!
You should definitely pursue the cosmetic surgery. This isn’t purely vanity, your body isn’t functioning well due to your father’s foolishness. You deserve to be comfortable!
It’s encouraging to hear that you’ve come out of your childhood as a well-adjusted person. However, you can forgive your father without letting him treat you like garbage. Boundaries are important, and toxic people will only do you harm.
Consider going no co tact with that awful man for the rest of your life. It’s good that you told her about your dad’s true character. He might’ve ended up abusing her as well. I’m will to be he masked his awfulness to hook her, and it was going to fall off after the wedding. She would have been miserable married to him, so you did her a favor. Don’t feel bad. Maybe you could sue your dad for the money to fix your face, idk. He would deserve it for sure. But only do that after a lot of therapy to untangle all the emotional abuse he has put you through.
NTA and please tell your mother what happened, she only wants what’s best for you and you are too blinded by the love you have for your dad to see how selfish and destructive he is.
Don’t feel bad about his fiance, you saved her and her future children
NTAH, but your dad sure is. He is a terrible person and father. I hope you know you don’t deserve to be treated like that and go NC.
Okay stop… you are not an asshole. You did the gf a favor, she was contemplating having children with him. The fact she asked, listened, and showed empathy, means she was going to end it. Your dad did something wrong, his karma is not balanced, and it is biting him in the ass. Dad needs to look in the mirror, and get himself right. You are owed that plastic surgery
NTA
I really don’t understand how you aren’t still mad at him when his blatant neglect has continued to cause you multiple levels of pain and oral health problems since the event happened. And the fact that he refuses to own up to it and realize that where he is now is his own fault and not yours does not help matters.
ETA: Another commentator brought up a good point: he’s a narcissist. In his eyes, it’s never his fault and always someone else’s. My mom read “Why Is It Always About You?” by Sandy Hotchkiss to help her get a better understanding of my aunt and grandfather. Maybe it’ll help you.
What the fuck!
You are not the asshole. You did nothing wrong here.
Your dad is an absolute trash human and you should completely cut him out of your life.
I think your mom’s reaction to call it abuse and neglect is 100% valid.
I don’t know you or your personality, but you mentioned not letting things from the past bother you since growing up. You’re 17. I’m going to be blunt. You’re not grown up. And I don’t think you’re fine. I think you’ve buried your emotions because it was easier to keep the peace. A peace that was only there at the expense of your self worth. Besides what others have said about seeking medical attention for your jaw, I think you also seek out a counselor/therapist to start working through the compartmentalized abuse.
I could be way off base, but several phrased you used raised some red flags for me. I hope you’re able to find real peace that includes your mental health and sense of self worth.
NTA. You SAVED that woman and any potential baby, hold your head high. Your dad is 100% abusive and neglectful. It feels like you were dismissed and told to ‘get over things’ so much that you’ve internalized it. You’ve been repeatedly traumatized by that man. You DESERVE treatment and a boat load of therapy. Go ahead and get yourself on some wait lists now, things are backed up for months. Tell yourself everyday that you deserve to be pain free and treated with basic respect.
My stomach is churning imagining you going through all this. I’m gonna be honest your dad is abusive. Your mum was absolutely right to do what she did and infact she could’ve done a lot more. What he did to you is just sickening. Not only that but to then speak to you the way he does after. His fiancée left him because he’s a child abuser and she wouldn’t want to bring an innocent child near him. I actually feel sick thinking about what he has done on you. I would be recommending some councilling for you as what he did was wrong. Then you need medical advice for your jaw.
If your dad got married and had kids, how would you feel if he were left alone with your half-siblings? What if one of them came back after being with him, crying and holding her arm and saying “I can’t talk about it, I’m OK, don’t hate me”?
NTA. Your dad made his bed, now he has to lie in it.
NTA You didn’t end his relationship, he did by being a terrible father and person.
You helped that woman dodge a bullet and prevented another child from going through what you did.
NTA obviously. Your dad is the only AH here. You didn’t make his fiancee leave him, she left when she found out who he really was – you did her a favour. Everything that’s happened to him is a result of his own behaviours, and has nothing to do with you.
Do me a favor. Imagine a child, a 6 year old. That younger sibling you imagined, or a friend’s sibling. Then imagine your dad tried to do that to them, in front of you. How would you react?
You deserved to be protected in that moment. You deserve to be protected now. Thank you for protecting his ex fiancee. NTA
Please see a doctor sooner than later. Even if you can’t do in depth treatment right this second, more time to plan ahead and get on waiting lists is good.
Please also see a therapist to talk through your relationship with your dad, your relationship with pain, and your expectations around how you should be treated while sick or injured. Please do this before you start dating in uni. No one likes to think about this, but your past has likely not given you the boundaries and standards needed to be able to recognize and escape abusive relationships. And abusers look for people like that. If you can’t manage a therapist, maybe try support groups for people who have lived with abusers.
There os a big difference between plastic and cosmetic surgery, although often performed by the same surgeons, so they can use the money from one to pay for the other.
So not TA. Good luck!!
NTA. Your Dad sounds like a right pos. No remorse and no accepting responsibility for what he did to you.
You mentioned A levels so I know you’re not in the US, but I suspect in your country this is still a crime your father can be prosecuted for or sued over. You are still a minor. In most civilized countries, you can sue or initiate a case as soon as you reach the age of majority because most countries understand a child cannot defend themselves. In your case, your father could be sentenced to pay for your medical procedures as restitution. His crime was severe medical neglect, which is a form of child abuse. Your case of medical neglect is the worst I have ever heard of, in fact.
If you are in the UK, you could try to ask for advice in r/LegalAdviceUK. There are versions for other countries if that’s not yours.
“Dad, congratulations on losing your daughter. Your disgusting lack of accountability and refusal to improve was what cost you everything, fantastic woman included. I will be sure to be absolutely, brutally, honest to the entire world about why I refuse to be called your child any longer. You’re not a dad, you’re a pathetic, abusive sperm donor. Have the life you deserve. Alone”
“when i stayed down at his lately “
JFC…..
I mean, you saved her life….
…. but you should not be in contact with this monster.
NTA
Your dad is a piece of sub-human filth and an evil person. He basically rearranged your entire face for life and demanded you thank him for the pain. You’ve got some kind of blinders on because you keep excusing him. It makes me genuinely concerned about what kinds of other abuses over the years he’s convinced you were normal behaviors.
JFC your Dad was disgustingly negligent to the point of it was found out earlier he might have faced jail time. I can’t believe you were upset with your mum for going off at him? Hell if my mum learned my Dad did something like that to me she’d loose her shit at him now and they’ve been divorced 40 years! Thank his his new GF found out before they had kids. You should’ve been taken immediately to the ER and to fucking bad but your Dad needs to foot the medical expenses. What a POS.
Your dad is an evil asshole and you have saved that woman years and years of misery. I would go no contact with your abusive piece of crap father.
NTA. Look at it like this. Say there’s a room at your dad’s place that never gets opened. It has horrible things in it, evidence that he’s not fit to be a father. Your dad’s ex came and asked you specifically about what was in there. You didn’t even give her a tour, and you didn’t tell her it makes your dad a bad person. All you did was given a bit of the terrible things she’d find in there if she went and looked.
So I think you already know the answer, but just to spell it out: are you the one that screwed up by sharing a little about the secrets of the man she wanted to marry? Or is your dad at fault for building that evil room in the first place?
Your dad’s ex deserved to make an informed decision before committing to a man like that. If she still wanted to partner with him even after seeing who he really is, that’s totally her choice to make, but it’d have been pretty unkind to let her walk into that blind. I know you didn’t go out of the way to share anything, but it wasn’t bad you did. My ex says you shouldn’t say anything unless it’s true, necessary and kind. You telling her was definitely all three.
Good job on all the work you’ve put in to get this far. I’m sorry you dad let you down so much, but it sounds like he’s not really capable of doing better. Weird thing to mature past a parent, to see their flaws but know you love them too. You shouldn’t have to navigate something like this, sorry your dad couldn’t protect you from all of it.
NTA. Please get out of the mindset that the skeletons in the closet don’t deserve a proper burial. Your father caused major and lasting harm to you, both physically and emotionally. If he were that focused on being a better person, he would’ve never exploded on you for discussing the incident with your mom or his fiancee. His fiancee was able to look at the situation objectively and see the amount of red flags he’s waving.
Why would you want your dad to have another kid to abuse? Also, you’re 17, a minor. You don’t get to have a say over your mom’s reaction. Your father should pay for any surgical corrections needed
You did nothing wrong, your dad did so please, don’t blame yourself.
Concentrate on you A Levels, but go to your GP so he can refer you to an oral surgeon. Obviously something is not right.
Honey you still need therapy. The fact that you care more about your own father than yourself is sad. What your father did is unforgivable and sinces its the truth, not something you made up it is not your fault his ex fiancee dump him. It speaks very poorly of him, specially since from what you wrote I gather HE NEVER APOLOGIZED. So please grow a bone! Love to love yourself and stand up for yourself and not think about your father. He SUCKS NTA
Darling, you’ve done nothing wrong. Your father’s ex left him because of HIS behavior. Would you want to have a child with someone who didn’t bring his daughter to hospital when she needed medical attention, and years later wouldn’t admit he was wrong or do anything to remedy the mistake?
this is one of the most heart wrenching things i have ever read. i can see how much you love your dad despite everything, and how badly you want to see his treatment of you as love. but the way he has behaved is sickening, it turned my stomach to read. i can only imagine how the woman who was going to marry him must have felt to learn that he could do those things. you are not at fault in any way, in fact your absolute innocence and his refusal to treat you as such is one of the most disgusting aspects of his behaviour. i know you want to just move on but this is really serious mistreatment, to minimise it to yourself is to devalue yourself. you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. the pain it caused you was real. you are important and your happiness and safety are important. you would never be vain, selfish, or any other horrible thing your father might have called you, simply for speaking the truth. whatever can help you heal, is worth it.
and honestly, a man who would do that to one child, would do it to another. your dad’s fiancée was just being smart not to marry or have kids with him. he is dangerous.
Honestly, your dad having another kid sounds like severe abuse, before it even happens.
He still can not take any responsibility for what he did. And make no mistake, what he did was absolute neglect and abuse.
It could’ve been so much worse. And it didn’t have to be as bad as it was.
And all for what? Because he couldn’t be arsed to take you to the hospital? Was he too busy? Did he not have any money? Was the can of beer in the fridge calling his name, and preventing him from getting his only daughter medical attention?
I wouldn’t treat a dog like he did his child.
You’re not ‘okay’ with it. You are still sweeping it under the rug, desperate for a tiniest of scrap of emotional validation from someone who really does not care about you. At. All.
Your dad would have lost custody if his abuse and neglect reached the ears of authority.
He should never be near children or animals.
This was severe neglect on his part. It was selfish and abusive of him to fail at his basic responsibility as a parent. ( to provide care for his child)
I am so glad his fiancé left. Good on her. You dad needs to face the evil he caused and the evil in him that causes him to continue to deny his abuse. He is still abusive – by calling you and yelling at you for something he did.
You need to continue therapy as you seem to make excuses for a man that does not love you.
Fiancé was probably thinking about having kids with him until she heard how he actually treats them. Helped her dodge a nuke. You’re NTA.
Why do you even speak to the man? You’re dad is a straight up motherfucker. The dude is a garbage human being and you shouldn’t feel guilty at all. He should feel guilt. He should thank whatever God he believes in that you even acknowledge his existence. Seriously, cut contact with the douche.
NTA
Your father is both abusive and neglectful. He does not need another person to harm. It’s a shame there’s a statute of limitations on so many crimes, he deserves to be held to account for what he did to you and what he didn’t bother to get treated.
You don’t want *cosmetic* surgery, you want *corrective* jaw-alignment surgery! The kind that will put your teeth back in alignment and hopefully stop the jaw pain, which needs to be done by an expert in facial reconstruction and not someone who does cosmetic surgery, which BTW might be covered by medical insurance as you have an issue that’s causing chronic pain.
And of course, your dad is 100% morally obligated to cover anything that the medical insurance won’t. He didn’t get you medical attention then, which was massively negligent, and he needs to make up for it now.
Your dad is a psycho bitch and I hope you never speak to him again. You did his fiancée a favor, protecting her from having a child with a monster. Because that’s what he is. He was monstrous to you. Absolutely unacceptable. He does not deserve your grace, your kindness or your attention. He does not deserve to have you in his life. You are absolutely not the ah. Your dad is a huge one and he got less than what he deserved.
NTA.
Okay, there is a lot to unpack from what you have written in this post, so let me tell you what I think:
I think you put up with a lot of abuse from him just so you can have some sort of relationship with your father. I also think you try to convince yourself into thinking he’s done a great effort to be a better man, but what kind of effort are we talking about? Calling you an attention seeking bitch for still suffering from his neglect? He clearly doesn’t care enough to change.
Your dad’s ex wasn’t a good fit for him. She was much better than he is and she could clearly see that he’s not a good man or a good father. This is why she left him, nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong.
Your mom was absolutely correct on losing her shit on him. I don’t know how you value yourself, but you are her baby and will always be her baby. Your father left you with some serious health issues because he is neglectful! Of course she’ll be angry! Don’t be ungrateful for her showing she cares. Imagine you get married and God forbid a similar situation happens with your spouse and child. Would you not be angry at them neglecting your child? If not, you need to keep going to therapy.
Accepting that your dad is a bad person doesn’t mean you should put up with his bs. At one point you have to consider if he is the kind of person you want around in your life. I suggest you go low contact.
If its causing you medical problems, the correction isn’t “cosmetic” even if it has a cosmetic impact. You can get referrals and medical insurance could cover treatment options- to improve medical and appearance
Your dad is not a good father and is not trusted to be around kids. His fiancé, you, your mother, deserve better.
Your dad is a bonafide grade A asshole. You sound like you might have something like Stockholm syndrome regarding him, I’m saying that because you didn’t want your mom getting mad at your dad. My advice is to look after your jaw and get whatever treatment is best, and also talk to your mom more maybe? I don’t know what she’s like but she sounds like she genuinely cares about you.