Dad lived abroad for much of his life, during which he had a girlfriend (parents separated a long time ago). He came back to our home country in 2017 and moved back into the family own I grew up in that he co-owns with my mom. They are still separated.
I learned 5 years ago that he had sent money to his ex-gf (not sure of status) and had sent maybe $250k. This was meant to be a ‘separation’ gift to set her up with a house + living money (she lives in a developing country where things are cheap).
Since then, he has sent significantly more money since then – I think the total is about $700k. He has managed to do this by i) sales of a flat he owned ($150k) that cleared debts he had run up, ii) emptying my grandmother of all of her savings ($150k), iii) from his monthly pension (receives $6k a month) and iv) $100k of personal loan debt taken out in the last 2 years.
We have warned him many times in the past that he was bankrupting himself and every time he said he knew it was crazy and that he would stop (for example, when he sold his flat, he had lots of debt and selling the flat was meant to clear his debt and he said he would stop).
This week he asked if he could borrow $40k from me and when I asked why he told me he had run up all these debts. After discussing, it’s clear he has run up all these debts sending money to this woman. He has even admitted he wants to continue sending more money to her in the future, apparently to pay for a niece’s bachelors degree fees.
I think giving him any amount of money is a bad idea as he has no self control evidenced by the above. Is there anything that can be done to help him?
Comments
I think you answered the question at the end. Don’t give him the money, you know where it’s gonna go
You have to ask yourself if you’re okay with never getting that money back. Me personally, with the relationship I have with my family, I would give them money with no expectation I’d get it back. Everyone’s situation is different. Are you in a position to help? Do you expect to get that money back? How was your relationship with your father? Ask yourself these questions when you make your decision.
DM me your dad’s phone number, I will pretend to love him for a lot less money
You’re right not to give him money he’s shown he can’t control his spending, and bailing him out will just enable him. The best way to help is setting firm boundaries and encouraging him to get financial counseling or legal advice about his debt. Protect your own finances first, because if you step in now, he’ll likely keep repeating the cycle.
Your dad’s being catfished or romance scammed 100%. The niece needing college money is textbook scammer behavior. Next it’ll be a sick relative or a business opportunity. Check out r/scams, they have resources for family members dealing with this. Whatever you do, DO NOT enable him by giving him money. He needs to hit rock bottom to wake up
You owe toxic parents nothing. Your dad might be a wonderful, loving person. But he should not be relying on his children to fund his chronic poor choices.
Separation gift!?!??!?!?! The heck?
This is unbelievable. Instead of thinking about providing for anyone else, your dad has given all of his money to his “girlfriend.“ Perhaps that’s not even where the money was going. In any case he’s taking everything from his own mother, and now wants to do the same thing with you. Do not allow it.
Do NOT reward your dad with YOUR money (which you’ll never see again) for his bad choices.
It really sounds like he has been scammed in a bad way. If you give him the money it will go to her. IF…. You decide to help him financially in any way. Pay the money directly to where it is owed. Do not let it pass through his hands. Good luck.
Not only no, but hell effing no.
Tell him NO DAD, I CAN NOT HELP YOU!!! Keep practicing it in the mirror if necessary. He can bury himself but do NOT allow him to bury you too.
You should have cut ties with him long ago. People like him are even willing to ask for money to your friends and neighbours, saying is for you and then eventually they will ask the money of you, not him.
Don’t let his failed attempt at being a passport bros ruin you.
I gave a relative a bunch of money. She gave it to another relative. When I found out and stopped the money flowing, everyone hated me. Don’t start with the charity unless you are paying for something specific with an understanding that this is a one time thing. Make sure they tell you their strategy for getting on their feet financially. Pay any expense directly – don’t give the money to the person to pay the expense.
I gave a relative a bunch of money. She gave it to another relative. When I found out and stopped the money flowing, everyone hated me. Don’t start with the charity unless you are paying for something specific with an understanding that this is a one time thing. Make sure they tell you their strategy for getting on their feet financially. Pay any expense directly – don’t give the money to the person to pay the expense.
WTF is a “Separation Gift”?
Christ.
Your Dad has ruined himself financially.
This is far more complex than getting advice on reddit. He needs a family intervention and to be cut off from this ‘girlfriend’. This is serious and he needs to be stopped. $250k is crazy to hand over in the first place, but to send an additional $700k is disgusting and dangerous, he’s been scammed. This isn’t a ‘girlfriend’, it’s somebody out to harm your father.
You need to protect him from himself.
Do not give him $40k!!!
6k/month pension….He’ll be fine. Don’t give a drunk a drink.
NTA, tell your dad that you are going to bankrupt your life, to grow up, and realize that you are not going to give him a dime.
he is being scammed. don’t become the next victim. he’s an adult, he can face whatever consequences of his actions if he’s deaf to reason.
Tell your dad the truth! You don’t have it either!! I wouldn’t give him a penny, because you will be supporting this Witch that has a Hex on him! I know you probably love him, but what does love have to do with it? Soon you will be filing for bankruptcy because of your dad who will keep coming back to you like a blackmailer!! Walk away and let him learn the hard way. He’s acting like a 19-year-old!
The fact that you had to make this post and ask for opinions shows just how insane you and him are. We’ll tell you no, but yiull probably do it anyway, or get scammed yourself in the future. Sad world we live in.
You can not help those who don’t think there’s a problem.
Do Not give him anything, or it will never stop. He’s an adult and needs to face the repercussions of his actions.
Do not feel bad and do not let him make you feel bad.
“Is there anything that can be done to help him?”
Yes, you can allow him to experience the consequences of his actions, all by himself. And if he is not paying his half to live in the house with your mom, she should kick him out. Once he is homeless and without anything, he might reflect on his own actions that got him there.
No. The end.
Just say no and refuse to have a financial relationship with him. In high school, my father defaulted on a loan to me and I took some electronics as collateral. I never had a financial relationship with him after that. This did not otherwise affect my relationship with him.
Two thoughts.
First, someone looking for money/support will review their options from most convenient to least convenient. When you’re asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you’re the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail. But you’re really just the next stop on the list…there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.
Second, “What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working.” It’s rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they’ll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
Learn to say “I don’t have anymore money to lend”
(you might have more money, but not to lend)
“ Dad, you’re asking me to give you 40 K. I know you’re saying that it’s alone but both of you and I know it’s not… you’ve always been giving your money to your supposed girlfriend. I’m not gonna give you money.”
Girl nah
No. Do not go into debt to feed your dad’s low self esteem and need to be abused.
The niece is most likely in fact your sister. But he’s also being scammed by this woman or blackmailed. Don’t do it. He needs therapy
Absolutely do not give him any money. What if there is no other woman and he’s just needing all of that money to pay back his bookie and that’s why he also ran back to his home country to get away from them.
Have him dm me. I can set him up with someone who will pretend to love him for way less money.
Sounds like he needs to ask his ex-girlfriend for a loan.
Don’t give him nothing. It seems like he has not learned anything from the amount of debt he’s accumulated.
Conservatorship? How old is your dad?
Sounds like your dad has kids with his ex and that is why he keeps sending money.
You would be a fool to give your dad that type of money so he can continue trickin on this woman. He will continue to ask for more money from you if give him any money now.
Don’t try to “help” him. He can’t help himself, so there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO’ to fix him. So don’t even try. And, don’t give him any money.
It’s not borrowing, it’s gifting…
Dad is a fool. he ruined his life and your grandmothers life saving. Now he is after yours. He will bankrupt you too if he can.
Don’t know what this girl has on him but something bad. Step back and let him crash and burn. He will have to hit below bottom before he will start to get his head out of his ass.
What ever happens it’s all on him. Let it happen. Sad he take you down with him. No Respect or Trust he would never pay you back. He will only ask for more money again.
Don’t give him ANY money and watch your credit like a hawk so that he doesn’t take out credit cards or loans out in your name!!!
Your dad will happily bankrupt you too for this woman.
Let daddy pay for the consequences of his actions. This would be the time to say, you have loans and you wont be able to help financially,
Help him?
you wanna help him?
Ignore him. Or better yet, find him a therapist who can convince him to stop sending hundreds of thousands of dollars to an ex girlfiend in a foreign country. It’s not like he’s even getting the nookie out of this anymore, like…wtf!
Not a dime!! Wth is wrong with his thinking?! Lotta nerve to even ask you! Don’t co-sign anything either!
This is a developing country. With the first $250Gs, she should be set for many years! Talk about not making sense!
I would tell him no. Explain that giving money to him is the same as giving money to her. And you’re not giving her a cent.
Honestly, he is up to something. I dont think the money is going to her, but to something that he considers private. Does he do or sell drugs? Gamble? Or have other expensive vices? Something is going on and it doesn’t seem a man who is normal would do these things for a woman in a far away country.
There is something fishy going on.
Nta!
Yeah, this is a pretty clear no. And honestly, you know it isn’t a “loan.” He wants you to give him a gift for whatever cockamamy reason.
What can be done? It sounds like he’s addicted to a catfish-like situation. Like all addictions, he has to hit rock bottom and want to change. That’s he’s asking you for money sounds like he’s not anywhere close to rock bottom.
Absolutely do not give him money. Who empties a grandmother’s savings to send money to an ex?
Is this a real person to whom he is sending money or an “online girlfriend”? Is he mentally sound, or does he need someone to oversee his finances b/c he isn’t mentally capable of handling them?
Is this girlfriend blackmailing him? That’s an insane amount of money he’s sending her!
Do not give him a single penny. He has dug himself this hole and now he must lie in it. He needs a financial conservator to manage his money and debts.
Have you met your Filipina Stepmom?