I live in the U.S. with my parents. Things are really tough right now. My mom doesn’t have a job, doesn’t speak English, and is financially dependent on my dad. I’m 14 (almost 15), so I feel stuck in the middle.
We live in government-funded housing. My dad didn’t realize he had to recertify for our apartment until yesterday. He had to send an email with 4 checks and his ID.
Fast forward to today — he thought the email didn’t go through. Me and my mom were literally 5 minutes away from the supermarket because we were about to buy some fruit. The walk home is 20+ minutes, and the administration office doesn’t even close until 4 PM. It was around 12 PM.
We told him, “let us just buy the fruit first since we’re already here,” and he got mad. We still bought it, then went to administration and solved the issue.
When we called him after, instead of saying thanks, he lectured us: “See, this was a priority.” My mom asked why he was talking like that, and he compared it to “If your child was dying at home, would you save them or buy the fruit?”
Later, when he came home, he sat us down for a “talk” (really a lecture). He said things like:
“Have you ever seen a person with two heads? Or a country with two leaders? I’m the head of the house.”
“So you’re the head now?”
“What happens when two people can’t agree? They separate.”
“If you think you’re in charge, go make your own camp and go your own way.”
“I was born alone, I’ll die alone.”
My mom was crying, but he kept going for about 30 minutes. Then he turned to me and said I should only love myself, that anyone can betray me, and that I should never rely on others.
The worst part is that he basically threatened divorce. In our situation, that’s the same thing as threatening to put me and my mom on the streets. He even told me if I thought I was in charge, then me and my mom could just leave and “make our own camp.”
I’m trying to think ahead — I plan on getting a job this summer to help support my mom or at least have something saved — but I don’t know what else I can do.
What advice would you give someone my age in this situation? How do I cope with living under him, and what can I realistically do to prepare in case he ever follows through with his threats?
Comments
You are not overreacting because your dad’s threats of divorce are not just words but a way to control and scare you. The best thing you can do is quietly plan for your own safety and future since his power fades the moment you are prepared.
Damn, reading this really hit hard, no kid should have to go through this crap. First off, remember it’s not your responsibility to keep the family peace, you’re the kid here. Your dad’s being way out of line n honestly sounds like he’s letting power trip get to his head.
You’re thinking ahead which is great, but also make sure u’re taking care of yourself mentally, cuz this shit takes a toll. Check if there’s any local resources (legal help, food banks, etc.) to support in case things go sideways. School counselors could have some advice too.
My DMs are open if u need someone to talk to. Stay strong kiddo, life gets better beyond these tough times, promise.
Ah, sweetie. Are the counselors at your school good? If so, go to one of them IMMEDIATELY on Tuesday and get help. But that’s a long time away, so is there a Domestic Violence hotline in your area? I think you can call the police department and ask for information (the non emergency number). Do you have an adult around that you feel comfortable asking for help. Is there a community of people from your mom’s home country in the area? A community center?
Since you are taking all of this one: do you know where you mom’s papers are? And yours? Can you put your hands on them in an emergency? Take those with you if you have to leave.
You can always call Child Protective Services and make a report. Your dad is behaving poorly and getting them involved might help with getting your mom services. But that’s probably a last resort, unless they are excellent in your area.
I had to go double check on Google and make sure I was remembering correctly but your mom may qualify for Assistance due to VAWA. You might want to reach out to a school counselor for housing assistance and to find out if you can talk to someone about making sure you have a safe place to live.
VAWA stands for the Violence Against Women Act, a United States federal law that offers protections and immigration relief to victims of domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault, and stalking. While its name refers to women, VAWA protections and eligibility extend to individuals of any gender or sexual orientation. It allows qualifying victims who are immigrants to self-petition for their own green cards, making them independent of their abusive U.S. citizen or lawful permanent resident (LPR) family member.
What VAWA Does:
Protects Against Abuse:
VAWA is primarily known for its provisions that protect victims of abuse and provide them with a pathway to safety and independence.
Grants Immigration Benefits:
It enables victims of certain qualifying abuse to apply for immigration status, potentially leading to a green card, without the abuser’s involvement or knowledge.
Provides Housing Protections:
The law also includes housing protections for survivors of domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault, and stalking, ensuring they are not penalized for their victim status when seeking housing.
Who Qualifies (Self-Petitioners):
To be eligible for VAWA immigration relief, you must be a victim of battery or extreme cruelty by a U.S. citizen or LPR who is a: spouse, ex-spouse, child, and parent.