Were you glad you pulled the pin when you did, rather than hanging on to a struggling relationship/lack of desire to continue and waiting untill your 40’s or 50’s for what felt like an inevietable outcome?
Were you glad you pulled the pin when you did, rather than hanging on to a struggling relationship/lack of desire to continue and waiting untill your 40’s or 50’s for what felt like an inevietable outcome?
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I went through a case of “disappearing wife syndrome” in my early 40s. I chose not to fight for the marriage and it ended up being the best decision of my life. Got remarried earlier this year and my kids love their stepmom. The experience definitely made me realize our time to enjoy life is limited and there’s no reason to suffer unnecessarily through your prime years. And as my therapist shrewdly pointed out at the time, don’t wait around for someone to change their mind, because it’s not going to happen. (That person can mean you, btw)
And if you’re wondering about the “holding on” thing when kids are involved, a good piece of advice I got early in the process from a fellow divorced dad was that the kids are better off in two loving households than one bad one.
Divorced mid 30’s We had previously come close to divorce and honestly just kicked the can down the road a few years. Nothing really changed and both of us were much more hurt, angry, and resentful. I don’t want to imagine how bad it would have been if I had tried to hold out for the “graduation present divorce”. I’m not sure I would have avoided serious self-harm by then.
Over a decade later – I have been much much happier. Found love again, got remarried, happily remarried for several years.
Kid is doing OK, did well coparenting until their mother decided to be a complete laissez-faire hyperpermissive parent in their early teen years and then things got ugly in a 2nd round of legal fights.
Best thing I can say is I have zero idea how their mother is doing, not my problem – haven’t talked in years at this point.
I split with my ex wife around 34/35. We have a son together. We’re much better off this way, were great friends still. We co parent, she married a good man and we’re friends. We take family vacations together every year if we can, they stay at my place when they travel or I stay at theirs when I travel to where they are. So yes, it was 100% the right choice.
Tough to say… Both of us had always the kids as number 1 priority. So this is good.
Next relationships failed where next partners wouldn’t understand that – hard. But I’m still convinced it’s the best way.
Economically, quite shit. Lots of extra expenses obviously. I have a great career but “average” lifestyle. I’m good with that. She works as well but I pay most expenses.
Kids look great and I try to tell myself they feel the fact we’re better off now. Not sure if it corresponds to the truth, but looks like it. Sometimes when we’re together (ex included) i feel the kids a bit more emotional – they’re 5 and 7.
First thing is definitely to go see a therapist and really digest everything – dealbreaker for me. Hope it works for you and good luck in everything.
Mother of the kids is better off.
Kids are doing well (co-parenting goes well)
I am better off.
I don’t know a single father who got divorced due to unhappiness and regretted it later in life. But I do know some who damaged their relationships with their kids for a time due to some choices/actions they made during and right after the split.
A huge factor in our divorce was how my in-laws’ shitty relationship taught their child how a marriage should work. I didn’t want to model that for mine.
We separated when the kid was four and I’m soooooo happy that he’s not going to have the same “my parents shouldn’t be together” realization that defined my ex’s childhood. He’ll hear her talk shit about me, but at least he won’t see her doing it to my face.
For her? She’s still unemployed, blaming all of her life’s problems on anything and everything that isn’t her.
For the kid? It’s gone very well. He’s had stability and consistency without having to hear her insult me. I had majority patenting time for the first year and it’s recently gone to 50:50. More time with his mom is a little rough, but courts tend towards that.
Best thing I’ve ever done. My kids were 5 and 2 and dont remember me and their mom together. I have a great partner now and love splitting my time with kids half the week. My kids will never see their mom yell at me and they will have a healthy partnership modeled by me and my new partner instead of the toxic garbage they would have been stuck with.
Wasn’t initially my decision, but other than its effect on my kids (TBD on that, I suppose), it was the best worst thing that ever happened to me.
I got slaughtered in the divorce, as she is from a very wealthy family and never had to work. Therefore I’m paying full child support despite the fact that (at the time) she was worth 10X what I was.
Was a really tough few years living lean, without furniture, without medical, etc.
But I went back to school, met my now wife, and I’m happier, more productive, mentally and physically healthier, and more financially secure. I am not treated like a pariah, no longer have sex and any physical affection weaponized against me, and am seen as an equal partner. My ex and I are on friendly terms, and are of a mind on 90% of parenting.
I don’t see my kids as much as I want. I fought for 50/50, but the judge didn’t see it my way, but I still see them about 40% of the year. They seem to have adjusted well (it’s been a decade), and love their stepmom (and vice versa). My daughter and my wife have become good friends.
There was a dark time immediately afterward, and both me and my ex certainly could’ve both handled things better. But I’m so glad it all turned out well.
We both kind of knew the marriage was over in in our mid 30’s when our daughter was a sophomore. Since we weren’t actually fighting or hating each other, we decided to keep the family together for a couple more years until she graduated. My daughter is doing great and we’re both happier not being married to each other.
In general I think its a terrible idea to stay together for the kids, but in this case, I think it was the right decision.
Separated at 38 with a 3 year old. Everything worked out well after a couple years of ups and downs regarding parenting etc. 45 now and it was the right decision for me.
I was glad I left her, sad I left the kiddos. Still very involved, but it ain’t the same.
I left at 38 years of age 25 years ago. My wife remarried and is happy. I remarried and am happy with 2 more kids. Everything worked out and everything happens for a reason. Just cost me millions lol.
Separated a couple months shy of my 38th birthday. All together, it was the way to go. There was a lot of other ugliness that went on due to her petty, vindictive BS. Like all marriages, all divorces are different. Smart people admit to mistakes and work to move on. Life is too short for your home and family to be so miserable.
The kids are healthy and well-adjusted; they got a new step father and step mother out of it. Both my ex and I are happier and we co-parent well.
I got financially kicked in the teeth and still haven’t recovered 15 years later but I’m managing ok.
I was so glad I got out.
I truly dislike my ex and should not have had a child with her. When we met, I was lonely and dismissed many red flags. She was pregnant within a year and we married at the courthouse. I wasn’t perfect either; in retrospect many of my words and actions reflected my disdain for her but I felt chained to her due to her having my child and didn’t want to give up on having a family at the time. There weren’t any good times, just times when we could actually stand being around one another. To our credit, we were not the screaming and yelling type and kept it together in front of my daughter almost at all times.
My child now gets to see a liberated, happy version of her dad who is truly in love this time and operates his house and life the way he wants. I regret not giving my child a better mother (she’s not THAT bad; she’s not a criminal or drug addict) so that I could spend ALL my time with her but I couldn’t ask for a better kid and the time we spend together now is much more fulfilling than when I was married.
It panned out just fine.
Divorced at 35, was the best decision I made. My relationship with the kids is good, had to work extremely hard at it to keep it that way as I was the one who left, but by always showing up, helping out and staying in touch when I didn’t have them worked really well for our relationships. The key thing is, I didn’t have children with a head case either so there’s been no issues with weaponising the kids etc, we handled everything and still communicate childcare and do each other favours for extra nights when we’re working away or are going away with our partners etc.
The kids.. they don’t mind it. The single hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life was tell them me and their mum were splitting up and that will remain with me forever, but I’m a better dad now than I was that’s for sure. In fact, in many ways, I’m a better man too because while neither of us had an affair or anything, we’d grown to actively dislike each other and argued constantly, neither of us were our best versions of ourselves the last few years of our marriage.
In all.. it was hard. Starting over again, doing everything myself and having a different relationship with the kids in many ways but it’s worked out well after a lot of effort from all sides to make it work. The kids have had 4 holidays overseas this year (I’m in the UK, overseas holidays are fairly standard), we divide Christmas and they get double the presents which always seems to go down well! 😂
Much better than it would have. I had more autonomy in raising my daughters, neither of which talk to their mother anymore.
That being said, cost me $300K+ in legal and other fees. Marriage in CA is something no man should embark upon.
It’s not what I expected in life to be a single parent, but it really helped discovered who I am and how I show up for my daughter. What I thought was the “right way” has been completely flipped on its head and exposed what I need and my daughter needs.
Overall, I never looked back after leaving my ex, but man it’s been a wild ride of self discovery and how to show up for my daughter.
Seems like it gets forgotten that “staying together for the kids” sometimes means I get to live in the same house as my children every day. Like, I already see so little of my children because of work and school, divide that further by half (if I was lucky in custody decision ) would devastate me.
I spent 100k in court to see my kids and my ex keeps ignoring the orders and alienating me from my children and I can’t afford (mentally or financially) to keep taking her back to court so I don’t see my kids any more. Mostly I’ve trained myself not to think about them but sometimes I get upset about it. I have learned to accept that not everything is my fault and I’m not responsible for every outcome.
(single father divorced at 32) it’s way better to be a single dad, suddenly i know how to do everything. no fear of everything i do with housework or the kids being wrong.
i’m actually looking forward to my future. this means i am suddenly eating healthy, and once again actually thinking about my life and how i see the world. bigger picture stuff.
it’s hard to unplug from someone who mistreated you. it gets harder the older you get.
My wife left me when I was 38. I knew our relationship was over for at least the 5 years prior to this, but I was planning on sticking around until my kids graduated high school (which would have been about another 10 years).
Honestly, her leaving me was the best thing that happened to me since my children were born. Had I known how much better things would have been for me and my children, I would have ended the marriage years earlier.
Seriously, if you’ve already tried marriage counseling and it’s very obvious things are over, don’t waste years of your life staying in a relationship that is obviously over.
My wife left me/was the one who filed. Still, after all that and claims of one-sided abuse she put on me, and put me through the system, wanted to be friends/good co-parents.
I fucked off with all of that. Took the, “you can’t fire me, I quit” approach and grey rocked her. Gave as much distance as I could, took a lot of advice from people who went throigh the same and it was good for me.
Now we hardly speak and parallel parent. I’m good with it. I loved her but im happier now.
I have rebounded significantly and my ex has continued to double down on poor decisions. I now have full custody of my daughter and I absolutely made the right choice to get a divorce.
I haven’t myself, but my dad divorced my mom when he was in his mid-late 30s, my sibling and I were kids under 10.
He was probably happier for a while. We visited every other weekend, he ended up marrying again about 5 years later. Eventually that marriage fell apart and he remarried again within about a year. They’ve been together for the long haul although it’s been very bumpy, I’m not sure they like each other very much but they at least have each other to grow old with.
My sibling and I had good relationships with him while we were young, but as we got older and eventually married and started our own families, we ended up estranged from him. As a kid you just want your parents to love you. But as you get older you see their actions in a different light. I don’t respect him as a man, father or husband. And before we became estranged he told me that leaving my mom was a mistake and he regretted it. Do with that what you will.
In 70% of divorces it’s not the Dads who decide to get divorced. It’s the Moms.
Divorce, by nature, is always good for everybody involved if you are in an equitable relationship. Expecting your wife to stay home and take care of all the domestics and then leave her homeless and destitute after breaking up is some narcissistic cope of the century.
Ive had full legal and 80% physical custody of my daughter for the past 7 years because I have more stability and flexibility. It has taken actual sacrifice of my career, long term finances, housing situation, etc. But I still made it all happen, with my daughter right at my side.
The ex and I are both re-married and have brought good step parents into the equation. I’ll never get over the guilt of my failure having a major impact on my kids, but everyone is better off.
Catastrophic damage… but it was already going down anyway… it cauterised the damage
I told her to leave at 35. 41 now. 50-50 custody. She and I both came from shitty divorced homes and we decided before we ever got married that we were not going to do that bullshit to our children if it came down to it. We have had our issues but never ever in front of the kids and we get along and work together for their sakes.
We separated the exact same week that the world shut down. We were miserable before and having to stay shacked up during Covid would have been excruciating. I am a better, dad and person now. And I have to be honest she’s a better mom and person without me. And we found better people to be with that also love our children.
No matter what she is still the mother of your children and they are half her and you have to love that part also. Regardless of how hurt you are.
I got divorced at 37. I’m 47 now and I can tell you unequivocally that getting divorced was the best decision I made in my life. My kids were 4 and 7 at the time. They are 15 and 17, their mom is remarried, I’m in a LTR and I’m happy.
Staying married would’ve been bad.
Few men choose to leave at any age. 80% of divorces are initiated by women. 90% if you are well educated and affluent.
Why do you assume the man left?
I got married at 31, and my divorce finalized when I was 46, I wanna say. Definitely the best decision. My daughter’s relationship with me couldn’t be better. My ex is finally acting like a human to me after being so angry and hateful for so long. I’m in a loving relationship, and my gf and daughter love each other.
My ex is with a guy, it feels like she grabbed the first person that looked at her twice. He’s not great. I don’t want to get further into it. My daughter is not close to him the way she is with my gf. Not that it’s a competition. I would actually love it if my ex had found someone that truly makes her happy, so that house could heal too. That is clearly not the case though.
Got divorced at 31. It wasn’t an easy choice but it was one that had to be made. It was getting toxic and it would have been sometime before I would have ended up in jail for DV on false accusations. I chose to walk away from my family in order to not go to jail. Took years for me to accept my decision. I carried guilt for many years and didnt date for close to 8 years. I’m doing good, my ex not so much. Her health is bad and I feel for her, but my kids are everything to me and will always be my priority.
More than 70% of divorces are initiated by the woman
Amazing. We are all happier now.
Separated and later divorced in my mid thirties, had a son together who was 8 at the time. It was the right decision for me, no regrets whatsoever. As far as can I tell my son adjusted well to the situation, but obviously was quite hurt at the outset
It had to happen. I’m not gonna pretend it was easy, but the alternative was more misery for many years. Fast forward a decade and things are great.
Have a wonderful relationship with my daughter and a cordial one with her mum.
If you need to make the move. Make it. Life is short.
Well, it was not my choice but it was the right choice, it was very hard to start with but we were adults about it and put our kid first, we co-parented and became, eventually, the close friends we are today 🙂
I was unhappy for a long time and didn’t want to waste another day of my life with someone who didn’t love and respect me.
4 years later, it is the greatest decision I’ve ever made and I can confidently say it wasn’t a day too late, or too soon. I walked away knowing I did all I could and there was never an ounce of regret that I didn’t “work hard enough” at it.
For persons experiencing that. Are you still enjoying life or is it too much and now you just wait every 2 weeks to see your kid until they are grown?
Would you say choosing a wife is the most important decision a man can make or meh it doesn’t matter that much if you have kif that love you
One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Quality of life for my children and myself improved dramatically. Is it a pain to co-parent? Sure is. Worth it? 100%