I keep thinking this is the part when I’m suppose to dive into crime and join the statistics. I keep trying to do things the right way by the book.
Got a full time job,with decent enough pay, I pay my bills on time. Do right by others I don’t steal. I don’t scam or take advantage of others. I don’t try and take shorts cuts or undermine others. I don’t utilize more than 20% of my credit. Etc etc. yet I’m still struggling. Yet I’m still penny pushing.
I keep having a reoccurring thought that this is the part where im suppose to do bad shit and crimes and join the statistics people of my race and economic class follow. I’m meant to be a statistic and the fact I’m fighting against it. And have already dodged the single mother stat I feel like other stats are coming at me full throttle. We couldn’t make her a teen mom, couldn’t string her out of drugs, time to make her struggle until she becomes a Criminal. And if she resist we’ll make her struggle and live check to check. Forever until she dies or becomes homeless. Or checks out early.
Being an upstanding citizen is what’s causing me so much hardship and struggle. Road block after road block. And it’s the stupidest shit. I’m trying to move out the hood and I’ve got apartments denying me for not exceeding the 3x the rent. Literally had a place take me through the wringer to prove my income is sufficient to enough and when I finally proved it to them they had already given the unit away.
Ik being a criminal isn’t an easier path either. I feel like if I were to break bad my story would be over before the pilot episode ended lol.
Idk im just kinda over this whole life thing. And I’m not suicidal at all I have no desire to unalive myself. So please if you read this don’t interrupt this incorrectly. I just would like it if I didn’t exist. More than anything I want to go back to whatever was before life. I imagine it as a state of nothingness. Just a soul dormant and quiet at peace floating in the universe absolute tranquility and never ending peace. Can’t wait until this lame ssa game is over.
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Life is a struggle. It is a marathon, not a sprint. And if you’ve been born into circumstances where you’re starting further back from the finish line than others then it feels even more unfair. It is unfair, but life isn’t fair.
You cannot think about improving your life in short term timeframes. You must think in years and decades and generations. You can be the one who clawed her way out of bad circumstances and your children will be better off, and so will their children.