This has happened to me frequently on first dates and I can’t figure out why. Sometimes I think the girl might be having bad day, so I’ll give them a second date and others times I’ll just leave at one date. I don’t mind if someone is open with their feelings, but sometimes it’s too much for a first meeting
I’ve been told I have a friendly, non-threatening demeanor so maybe I make some women too comfortable. Not sure if guys do this to women too, but wouldn’t be surprised if so. What do y’all think?
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Not on first dates, but I have actually had this exact problem trying to meet new people and make friends since I move a lot. I’ll find someone to strike up a conversation, and it’s almost like people have learned to spill their personal problems as part of their introduction.
2 possibilites imo:
You’re super sweet and approachable to the point that people feel comfortable opening up to you quickly. You likely engage in active listening and ask questions, so people just continue to share more and more. You may be a little reserved or focus the attention more on the other person, which also leads to then sharing more personal information.
The women you go on dates with are ready to settle down and tired of wasting time. I’m not sure your age, but I’m 25F. When I was dating around for my now bf (25M) of two years, I went on quite a few bad first dates. People were quiet, not like their online profiles or simply not looking for the same things as me. To cut to the chase, I’d share many personal details right away. I have an extensive medical history and a lot of trauma, but I was ready for a forever partner. To me, if I could be open and vulnerable with someone early on and they actually accepted me, I’d know they were worth pursuing further. Then if they ghosted after? I saved us both some time.
Men have done this to me, around recently ended relationships and marriages.
Date people who are emotionally intelligent, stable enough to manage their past without dumping on a stranger.
You’ll find someone!!
I’ve been on both sides of this (and can confirm men do this too, it’s not just women) and my experience has taught me that this behavior is common for people who date instead of going to therapy (or anything else to heal their emotional wounds).
And it’s an easy trap to fall into, easier than you’d think. If you’re hurting in your life, and you’re lonely, and you know that new love/sex/relationships bring a huge amount of dopamine, you’re going to be naturally drawn to that for relief from what ails you. You’re not intentionally thinking that you’re using the date as a bandaid, but you do think “what I really need is someone to understand me and love me, and then all these bad things will get better.”
Then when you’re on the date, you overshare too much too quickly because you need to be told it’s ok, you’re ok, you’re still desirable, you’re still loved. You’re wanting validation so badly that you immediately step on the gas to get to that step as fast as possible. And you haven’t been doing the work in your daily life to get reassurance, to get dopamine and seratonin and oxytocin and all that stuff, from anywhere else. So it has to be this date. This person has to be the one. And so you spill everything, hoping they’ll swoop in and make you feel better, because you feel so horrible all the time.
What those people really need – what I really needed, when I was that person – was to build up many different aspects of my life so that I could actually heal and recover from my depression. I needed strong connections with friends and family, I needed a job that gave me security, I needed hobbies that gave me dopamine and didn’t rely on another person. I needed to rebuild my identity. But instead of doing all that – which felt impossible at the time – my brain just thought “I need to be loved.” Which meant that all my dates were less of a mutual interview for compatibility and more of me rushing into the validation emergency room, screaming for help, showing everyone my gushing wounds. Which, naturally, none of those dates were qualified to handle, nor was it what they signed up for.
I feel bad for people who do this because I know what it’s like and I know they must be desperate to be accepted and helped and reassured, but they’re definitely not in a place in their life where they can offer a healthy dating experience, nor an equal partnership if it came to that. They need bigger help than just getting laid/getting a boyfriend. Your instinct that it won’t work out is correct.
As a woman, this happens to me all the time. When it does, my date usually wants to complain about dating in general, their recent ex, or even their family issues. I think it’s so inappropriate. Healthy relationships take time to unravel deep, personal information about people.
Frankly, I think they do it because 1.) they’re uncomfortable opening up to their guy friends, 2.) they don’t want to admit that therapy is a positive thing, and 3.) you’re a captive audience.
I think a good strategy moving forward is redirecting the conversation. You can be firm without being rude. Say something like, “Hey, I really appreciate you opening up to me, and I’d love to hear more about this at a later date. But right now I’d love to know a bit more about [XYZ topic].”
I feel like getting some things out in the open is a good way to determine if someone is interested. Nobody is perfect and past relationships can affect future relationships too, especially with some sort of trauma involved. If someone can’t deal with those sorts of things, it’s better to let them know ahead of time so that no one is having their time wasted. Therapy is nice but it isn’t flawless or immediate.
If a person I started dating had an ex that would raise their voice and beat them and developed anxiety to loud voices, it would be nice to know ahead of time to prevent triggering a fear response on accident.
Maybe you’re too sweet to them that they trust you with their traumatic experience or it could be you, I mean the type of women you desire just happens to act this way?
I am woman and I’ve had men trauma dump on me. Had one guy break down in tears Ina nice restaurant. It was a bit much for what was basically our second date. There was no third. I have no issue with men crying or being emotional, but TMI – there’s a time and a place and we ain’t there yet.
Honestly women just love trauma dumping. I’m a straight woman, but anytime I’ve gone on friend dates, like through bumble bff, the women will trauma dump. I even had one who used our whole lunch to trauma dump about her sick husband, then ghosted me afterwards.