My (28f) entire life I was certain I would be a mother. I wrote about it in school, always took care of kids younger than me, etc. I’ve even made a career out of caregiving. But now, 13 months into my relationship with my boyfriend (34m)… I’m having doubts and it’s COMPLETELY thrown me for a loop.
He has two little kids from a previous marriage (2&4). We got serious probably way too soon after his divorce and I’ve been involved with the kids for nearly the entire relationship. I love kids. I love HIS kids. And I expressed my desire to have kids early on. But experiencing being a pseudo-parent has made me question if this is really what I want. And it is MUCH harder than I thought to be a bystander to other people’s parenting choices. I know that I’m capable of it. But I’m worried I’ll be unhappy and resentful.
Has anyone experienced anything similar? I feel stuck.
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Instead of asking yourself if you want kids right now, you should ask yourself why you got serious with this guy and his kids so quickly after his divorce. You should probably ask yourself if you just don’t like the kind of parents they are, not the kind of parent you would be if you were with the right person. Also, I don’t give a shit about other people’s kids but I don’t play about my own.
Give yourself some flexibility and fluidity. Don’t be so quick to say yes or no. Maybe in a couple of years you’ll change your mind. But, don’t let it take away from your current situation and don’t let wherever you stand define you. The only real factor is your age, and you still have 10 or so years
Relax, you can ask yourself in 5 years again then 10 years far more seriously then freeze this eggs and think again in 5 years… things change and you don’t know who you will be with or what scenario. Don’t make a decision now if you don’t want to. It’s your life. And indecision is an ok decision too..
I have been a step-parent in one relationship and a mother in my marriage, and the experience are very different. I found it harder as a step parent as the whole time I followed other people’s child rearing rules. I was never fully relaxed. For my child, there was a stronger connection, and I was in control.
Also, the ages of your children, while cute, can be a handful. This is a lot.
The problem isn’t whether you want kids or not. The problem is your boyfriend. I don’t think he’s the person for you.
I never wanted kids but we have two. Sometimes me and my wife go, “ugh why do we have kids. Fucking mistake”
With that said it’s our responsibility now so we love them and take care of them. And we don’t just love them and do minimum stuff. We love them because we truly love them.
If I could turn back the hands of time though I wouldn’t have them. But I love them so much.
Give yourself maybe another year or so to see if you still want them or not. It definitely gets easier when they get older but it also means a bunch of other issues.
Is it that you don’t want kids in general or that you’re not ready to be responsible for somebody else’s kids? ‘Cause those are two very distinctly different things.
I dated somebody for nearly a decade that had a child from a previous relationship and it’s not easy, at all. I was always somebody that was certain I’d never have kids, and I still feel the same way I do now, but there is a difference between having to raise someone that isn’t your own and somebody that is. For instance, there’s typically an aversion towards you as an authority figure. They’re more standoffish, the other parent may (or may not) still be in the picture, so there’s a whole other can of worms you have to deal with.
Not to mention, like biological parents, even more so, you’ll have to deal with the fact that the authority in the house won’t be 50/50. It will be more 70/30 or perhaps none. If dad doesn’t like what you’re doing, he just pulls rank instead of having a healthy discussion about it…. there’s always that possibility.
Anyways, I did it and it’s not easy. My recommendation is to really consider all the moving parts before you proceed because you aren’t just dating him, you’re by extension dating his (family).
Sounds like you are questioning if you want to be a stepparent not if you want to be a parent.
Sounds like he kinda shoved most of the parenting on you very quickly and didn’t ease his kids into even getting to know you or you dove in head first. Either way, now that you know, you should probably break it to him sooner rather than later. I’m sure he was just happy to have a mom figure in their life so quick. not your fault or even your problem tbh.
I mean, you need to be honest with yourself here on if this is the right situation for you or not. If you are feeling it isn’t, then it’s not.
I will say he will be the same parent to your baby. He will not be different than who he is.. So, if you don’t agree with his parenting philosophies, be done.
Being a stepparent is a lot different than being a bio parent. As a stepparent, you tend to have a lot of responsibility without a lot of authority. You also have to deal with the ex and potentially their new partner and that adds a whole other layer even if there’s a good coparenting relationship.
At 2 and 4 I’m sure the kids love you. It’s pretty easy to get in with kids who are 7 and under. Things get trickier after that with the tween years being some of the worst to be stepping into.
Unfortunately though, it sounds like his parenting style does not align with yours and while it may not be a huge deal when they’re this little, permissive parenting out of guilt or laziness creates little monsters and a lot of people parent out of guilt after a divorce.
If you feel he’s asking too much of you parenting wise, take a step back. Stepparenting roles exist on a spectrum. To one end is totally hands off. To the other is all in mommy 2.0. In the middle there are roles like “fun aunt” and “backup parent”. It doesn’t sound like you got to choose a role but you still can.
At any rate, if it doesn’t feel like a good fit, end it.
These kids are so young that they will be just fine. It will be like their favorite babysitter went away to college. They’ll miss you at first but then they’ll be fine.