Looking for some advice on a dating situation.
TLDR version and my question – I am trying to work out how to negotiate intimacy with a man who seems cool but I am struggling on how I to actually phrase this to him.
My friend said to negotiate my terms with him. I am worried I will look vulnerable and I haven’t had lots of experience discussing my expectations with potential partners. I prefer exclusivity which I can’t expect at this early stage, but i’d like to be honest about that. I am unsure how to tell him I would like to sleep with him but if he then loses interest he would need to just let me know rather than ghost/slow fade. I know i don’t have control over that part, no matter how soon I sleep with him. But we are adults and can show basic respect, so I think it’s okay to expect that esp from a grown man.
Wondering how those of you with more experience and confidence have negotiated your terms with men. Please keep in mind I am coming from a background of trauma so we are often late to the game of agency and confidence.
Context – I am someone who hasn’t had the best experiences with men and dating. Childhood trauma impact on me as an adult and I struggled to set boundaries and would just settle for short term things and situationships. Only had 1 serious relationship ever.
I have worked hard to have better self worth and boundaries and I also have much clearer values.
For a while now I have tried dating with intention and I knew what would suit me would be a committed, monogamous relationship. Casual sex doesn’t work for me as I do get emotionally attached and I am quite a sensitive person by nature. Also my baggage is something I manage with therapy but it’s a challenge when dating.
And I don’t like hook up culture and people being treated as disposable.
I’ve had men (who stated they wanted a LTR) drop off when I didn’t sleep with them quickly and I am glad I avoided them but feel sad I am missing out on something I want.
I also consume a lot of content that reflects my experience of men – they will often do the bare minimum possible to get the most benefit from you. I have previously taken men at face value only to find their interest was purely for just sex. I am wary of this and I have wanted to date with intention to find someone who is good for my nervous system but I still have some chemistry with, and someone who would value me as a person.
But I’ve had no luck. I’ve accepted that maybe it’s not meant to be in my story that I have a safe committed relationship with a man. I have a good life anyway, I’m very free as I also am childfree, and I’m very lucky, I just really miss intimacy and don’t want to give up on finding someone safe for me. I am not for everyone and accept maybe someone won’t want to be with me in a LTR. It feels like a curse that as someone who loves her freedom I struggle with casual sex.
I know as a woman when entering this arena with men you need to be wary as their behaviour is often excused and blamed on us.
I’ve recently had a couple of dates with a man. He is slightly older and from a culture that is stereotyped for being lotharios and quite fast movers and relaxed about sex. We get on well and I do find him attractive but he doesn’t give me butterflies (ie set off my anixety). I don’t feel an emotional connection.
I have told him I don’t like to rush intimacy, but I do want to sleep with him. He doesn’t blow up my phone but has shown interest in seeing me. So he isn’t creating false intimacy through texting which is good. However our second date he did invite me to his house and I declined and said I prefer to have a few more dates before we have any home visits.
I feel the sex could be good and I am sick of this dry spell I am having. I know he would he up for it but I am wondering how to l discuss this with him without being vulnerable or looking strange (though I think men are not easily put off if they want sex).