I 31F am back on the apps and I’ve had a couple of first dates that have been fine, but underwhelming. I always go on a second date if there were no red flags, but I also want to trust my body’s reaction. I’m thinking back to how I felt after the first dates with guys who turned into relationships and there was more excitement- that feeling where you’re smiling walking home and you can’t wait to tell your girlfriends about them.
I’m just interested to learn about others’ experiences. If you’re single, do you have a familiar feeling that you looking out for? If you’re in a relationship and you met after 30, how did you feel after your first date with your SO? Did it change after the second/third?
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After years on apps and many dates (off them now) I can tell you that first impressions are usually spot on. Listen to your instincts and intuition. Whenever I gave people a chance I was meh about it never worked out favorably for me. I’m no longer willing to make excuses or give people the benefit of the doubt. In general people are putting their best foot forward in early dating, so if you’re not impressed from the start it probably isn’t going to get better with time.
What I want to feel are attraction, curiosity and at ease. It’s tough out there, but I’ve had these feelings before with 2 exes so I know it’s possible.
After 30 you search about a security of future. Fun factor or hookups dissolve under responsibility. You know now you will be viewed as someone who’s going to do something commendable. Rest there is the thing called intuition if you got right one you gonna sense it automatically.
In my 30’s, alot of first dates. Some second and even less thirds.
Out of that, there was one guy I was interested in from the jump, who I recently split from. He was battling demons and I wasn’t going along for that ride.
I think in my 30’s I’ve stopped looking for a “spark”. I look for someone who shares my values, finds joy in life and respects my time and my boundaries. I’m not going to keep dating for the sake of dating if I feel like we’re not aligned on those. I’ve withdrawn from actively pursuing dates as I’m not ready to share my space or time with someone I can’t see a future with. So I’m taking a nice long break. I’m doing the personal work. I’m paying my mortgage. I’m having a blast in the garden. Learning yoga. Watching the sun rise. Centering my relationships with my friends and family and I’m quite happy not having someone disrupt my peace. I’m relieved to see social media trends about decentering men, feminism and the 4B movement. Coz while I haven’t given up on love, I had begun to feel like an outcast because I just wasn’t interested in dating and feeling like I was wasting my time with men in their 30’s who hadn’t put any time into their own lives, so hadn’t actually thought ahead to how a partner would fit in their life. They just liked the idea of curing their loneliness.
If I want someone, I need to know how they add value to my life and if I add value to theirs. How we each fit in each other’s lives. How to continue independence outside of each other. I feel like a lot of men go rushing into relationships and “I love yous”, or at least, I got a lot of that after weeks of text messaging and couple of very average dates. I tried dating totally different looking/different interests/different communications styles and I feel like so many of them present the same way. They say things that sound really wonderful, and their actions didn’t line up.
So no, I don’t continue on dates waiting for a spark or the click or the hope that maybe if I stick it out something might change. My weekends are very valuable to me, I won’t waste them on something I won’t enjoy as much as coffee on my paddleboard in the middle of the ocean with a girlfriend.
I have never needed more than 1 date to make a call. Every time I’ve given someone a 2nd or 3rd chance it never really changed what my gut feelings were after the first.
I’m not saying it can’t happen, but personally for me I’ve just never had the experience of my feelings changing.
It’s kind of why I don’t really get “multi-dating”. Like girls how many dates do you need to make a decision?
Im an all or nothing person. If I met someone and it klicked and the attraction is there, I would most probably have sex with them the first night or I wouldn’t meet them again. I don’t believe in mediocre dates and I was never interested in getting to know someone slowly. It’s either there instantly or not at all. Anyway that’s also how I met my husband, we met at a party, fell instantly for each other and have been inseparable since.
I was very excited after my first date with my husband. I remember thinking I’d probably marry him.
I’m curious to know how your relationships with the exciting guys turned out? For me in my younger years I realized the guys I found the most exciting actually turned out to be players and were love bombing me. Which I fell for at the time due to being insecure. But none of these situations ended well of course. They all had narcissistic qualities and many were lowkey addicts, cheaters etc.
Now I try to go for guys who are a bit more boring. Though initially I overcorrected and tried to force things with super boring guys where there was no chemistry. Which was also a mistake and didn’t turn out well.
Now I try to find the middle ground where there is some connection and mutual interest, but nothing too extreme bc that unfortunately screams red flags to me.
I’ve used tinder for years (mainly years back) and I just came to the conclusion that I’m not able to develop a romantic interest in someone like that. The only way I’ve met men I’m genuinely interested in has been in no pressure settings like through friends, studies, work. I don’t expect to fall in love instantly (nor do I believe in such) but with all men I’ve dated seriously, I’ve seen them somewhere a few times, liked their vibe and new pretty soon that they are my jam. And while looks play a part, they’ve had this certain banter and way of communicating that matches mine. I also seem to be into guys who have like no sense of style, haha.
And I’d like to highlight that I’ve met a ton of objectively attractive guys but if they aren’t my type otherwise (lifestyle, humor, personality, rude of some other obvious redflags) it’s a no from me. I trust my intuition when it comes to romantic relationships and don’t date guys I feel lukewarm about.
I was back on the dating scene at 30 after a 9 year relationship. I remarried at 32. I met my now husband on Tinder. After our first date I felt mostly like I just wanted to get to know him better. He seemed very kind and like a safe person. He was easy to talk to. I don’t know that I was super excited or dying to talk to anyone about him, but I had a good, content feeling about him.
After the second and third date, I was learning he was unlike anyone else I’d dated before. And if I told you my relationship history, you’d know that was a good thing, ha!
Dating after 30, my first date with my current partner I instantly felt comfortable and safe. I also didn’t doubt that he was into me. I didn’t feel that hardcore excitement I used to feel in my 20s though.
I dated a lot and had a few ltr’s. I’ve had various reactions after first dates. Meh, infatuation, liked him as a friend, intrigued, safe, fascination etc etc….
I met my husband at 36. After our first date, I felt happy and a sense of calm. It was just different. I can’t explain it but I knew this one was different.
I have found that the brightest flames burn out the quickest. I’m a fan of a big slow burn. After first dates, if I feel curious about the person or naturally want to see them again, it usually leads to better dates further on.
ok this is maybe controversial but being good at first dates & being good at relationships imho are two different skill sets. you can manufacture a spark with anyone if you are charismatic enough (speaking as a gemini haha). then again, this is your life & your love story so if the first date didnt deliver what you want from a romance, you don’t have to push yourself to go out again
The book “attachment” talks about how, for an anxiously attached person (me), first date butterflies can actually be a bad sign. I listened to this advice the last time I went on a first date with someone who I really liked as a person, who checked every box I was looking for, but I just didn’t feel immediate chemistry with. I gave it a 2nd chance and it was so worth it. I absolutely felt attracted and butterflies on date 2. We’re planning date 4 now and it’s going really, really well.
I think it depends on what exactly your gut is telling you. If you feel like something is off, then I’d probably advise that you listen to that feeling. But if it’s just a lack of chemistry/butterflies/attraction, as long as you can say that the person is attractive, give it a chance to grow.
Having a list ahead of time of qualities you want in a potential partner can be really helpful in distinguishing between these things.
I am like you, I try min 2-3 dates unless red flags.
If no spark by then, time to move on.
Never sex have sex on first date. Maybe ok 2nd date. Definitely if 3rd date goes well.