I was r*ped a few months ago. While I’ve been working hard on healing and have made significant progress, I know this experience has permanently changed my emotional landscape.
Recently, feeling emotionally ready, I went back to dating apps and met someone who seemed like a great match. Believing in transparency and feeling we had a genuine connection, I chose to share this part of my past – without going into detail. A few days after my disclosure, he cancelled our scheduled date with some random excuse and eventually ghosted me completely, offering no explanation despite our previous rapport. Looking back, those few days after I disclosed my assault spent gaming together and calling late at night now feels like it was just his way of orchestrating a graceful exit – trying to avoid appearing like the “bad guy” while still ultimately disappearing. Given the timing, I can only assume my disclosure was the reason.
I live in a relatively conservative society where sexual assault carries significant stigma, even though I rationally know I did nothing wrong and have nothing to hide. What hurts most is how quickly I was discarded after showing vulnerability – as if I suddenly ceased to be a person deserving of basic respect or clarity. Even a made-up reason for rejection would have been kinder than this silence.
What angers me most is my own reaction – asking him “do you mind?” after sharing my experience, as if I needed his approval or judgment. His only response was “as long as you dont have any STDs” and “wow I really didnt think this would happen here in ____ (the city we live in)”, without showing any empathy. But this isn’t really about him anymore – it’s about the injustice of carrying this stigma while having done nothing wrong, while my r*pist is still at large.
I’m questioning whether I’m being too harsh in judging his reaction. Can this even be considered a “preference”? Is my anger justified? I’m struggling to make sense of it all.
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Do not date anyone who has no empathy for others. The end. And I’m sorry that happened to you. Take your time to heal and find someone who cares.
First, I’m so sorry about what you’ve gone through. I read your Qs and will try to answer as honestly as I can:
>I’m questioning whether I’m being too harsh in judging his reaction.
Just based on the information you gave, you might(?) be being a bit too harsh in terms of assuming that he backed out because of your disclosure. Then again, his response sucked (more on that below), so I’m not sure. If you were only asking this, I might ask how many dates you had been on, whether you were exclusive (i.e. not dating anyone else), etc.
That said:
>Can this even be considered a “preference”?
If a person thinks “It’s my preference to, regardless of our rapport, only date someone without any trauma” … that person’s a loser and absolutely should be judged harshly. More specifically, the fact that there’s a fucking insane stigma around being an SA victim doesn’t excuse people who buy into that stigma and thereby reinforce it.
You’re worthy of someone great. And, even only considering the guy’s responses to you when you told him … I feel pretty confident in saying that he wasn’t close to great.
>I’m questioning whether I’m being too harsh in judging his reaction. Can this even be considered a “preference”? Is my anger justified?
There are two factors to consider here.
but,
I think you might have dodged a bullet.
He sounds incredibly naive and ignorant to say “I didnt think this happened in this city. “ It happens in every city in the world!!! Must be nice to be in a privileged group where you don’t really have to worry about that.
I would say you dodged a bullet. But also I would wait to tell someone until I really got to know them. Not everyone needs to know. There are unfortunately way too many people nowadays who lack compassion and understanding. I would get to know someone really well and then decide if they’re someone you want to tell.