I was in a relationship for 6 months with a man who I found out was married. I have been in relationships previously where there was infidelity so naturally I am more guarded than someone who hasn’t been cheated on or in this case lied to about actually being single and available. When I started dating this man, I let my guard down for the first time, he made me feel so safe and calm. I wasn’t afraid of him cheating on me. I fell hard for him then I found out he was married and having other affairs while he was with me. Additionally I had conversations with his previous long term affair partner who also didn’t know he was married. This man was living two lives. I always thought it was ridiculously unbelievable when I would read stories about men who do this, now I’ve lived it. Anyway, I’ve started dating again and it is like riding waves. Sometimes when the men I encounter talk, I just get annoyed and think these are all just words and who knows how much of what they say is accurate. I hate being that way toward someone. Other times, I am able to get in the mindset that I won’t make a new person pay for the sins of a past partner and remind myself that if someone is going to do something unkind/thoughtless etc, they are going to do it and it isn’t a reflection of who I am. Life is too short to live in your own head thinking of all the worst case scenarios. It is so difficult. Also, to make matters worse, I was so in love with this person and despite the fact he is a horrible human being, I can’t help comparing the intense feelings I had toward him to new people I meet. I want to feel that kind of passion again. I want to be with someone whose body I crave. I know in my head that I can have that again but my emotions are still raw and keep randomly coming to the surface in unexpected ways. If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear it.
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Similar age, I have been on your situation. Take your time (cheaters want a quick results) and meet in public places so anyone can see you (people who are cheating want to keep things secret). Also, invite each other over. Go to his place, invite him to yours, etc.
I found that pretty simple if you keep your cool and take things slow.
Meeting the person’s friends is also a great way to avoid those who cannot be trusted.
In all honesty you aren’t ready to date again you should really seek therapy to work on yourself. If you are going into a new situation comparing them constantly to your ex and how they hurt you you will never give the new person a fair chance to show you who they are. You seem really caught up on this and you are only going to hurt everyone who tries to be with you
Hate all men and never date again. Or… take responsibility no one forced you to date someone’s husband right?
Don’t beat yourself up out of this . If you are dating you have to be vulnerable and let your guards down and that’s the only way you find your true partner . Unfortunately you been burnt again . But it’s just six months this time . Be angry and mad at him and not even a bit of hostile towards you ! In your next dating be very clear on this in first couple of dates and you’d know even if they are sneaky . Point I am trying to highlight is you shouldn’t be upset with yourself over these . It’s part of the dating games unfortunately!
If it took you 6 months to figure out a guy was married, that’s on you. This is the kind of BS that happens when people want to “take things slow” and “have boundaries” (co-opting those terms) – like who the hell doesn’t spend time at the other persons house even after a month and notice stuff out of place?
Oh let me guess, there’s some excuse why you “can’t”.
Yeah, nah, you’re supposed to be 48, not naive.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re NOT ready to date! (I’m a year younger) When shit like this happens, it’s best to take a break and get yourself in order and that takes time, not the attention from others. Some get counseling/therapy, that works. Some read books, journal and find new passions or reinvest in old ones. Point being; they made me a priority instead of trying to find that in someone else.
Now to the second elephant in the room, you fell head over heels in love in -6 months? People tend to show themselves in 3-8 months (6 months on average) which I’ve found to be pretty on point. So, if you had taken this slowly and gotten to know this “man” better-not leading with the rose colored glasses-you may have spotted the red flags that I promise were there. You just chose to ignore them.
So what to do now? Like anything in life, learn from your mistakes and move forward. You seem aware your not going to get anywhere by judging people, making someone else “pay” for others mistakes etc but “yearning” to find that passion is going to be a recipe for disaster, again. Those things can build, but as you know, those things need to be earned. But it sounds to me that wound is still fresh and another thing I know is hurt people, hurt people. Don’t be a person out there burning people because you got burned. There’s enough of them already…