I (35F) recently saw a video where they said to bring up a fake insecurity to see if the person you’re dating will cross boundaries and make jokes at your expense about the fake insecurity (ie being called a nickname, etc).
I was looking for more examples that worked for you to weed out ppl (especially bc covert abusers are hard to prospectively filter and I thought this was a good tip)?
Comments
Terrible tip. If I find out my date is testing me by faking an insecurity just to see how I’d react, I’d be out of there.
Just be yourself and trust your gut instinct. People will show you their true colors eventually. Just pay attention
I’m terribly terrified of butterflies/moths, and anything worm-like. I realize that its a ridiculous thing, but I have an absolutely involuntary fear reaction to them due to a traumatic event when I was a kid. From a distance I’m okay with looking at them
A lot of people make fun of me for it, but respectful people don’t try to chase or throw those critters at me.
I try to avoid lying and manipulation, especially when trying to assess compatibility.
One thing I will often do on an early date to ‘screen’ people is just to bring up a recent news story (something Trump has done, or whatever) and notice how the person reacts/responds. There’s no need to lie or make up fake insecurities to assess this kind of thing.
Honestly, you should learn to identify the uncomfortable feeling they created is the red flag itself.
As an example: my one ex use to say I have down syndrome eyes (i dont have the condition) From the first time he said it I told him not to say that, and that could be taken very negatively. He never apologized, he never stopped. Went as far as years after our split (through mutual friends we kept contact for online gaming) hes still say thing like “I can her the look of your downs eyes”. I still think he was trying to call me stupid, which doesn’t make sense because some people with trisomy 21 (right?) Are highly intelligent people… the “joke” still goes over my head and I had to clear the air a few times that I dont have down syndrome or the mosaic version (having only one x chromosome being effect and being afab is what ive come to understand).
So clearly something ive tried to educate myself on because of this person.
This is a bad idea. Don’t do mind games
Ahh yes! Better to find out quick rather than waste time and invest. Be realistic tho – no one is perfect.
Back when I was dating (before I met my now husband) I had a couple “tests” I would put a guy through that worked really well as filters.
Since I was dating online, I would be like hey what’s your number? And call. A married guy who’s sitting on his couch with his wife nearby isn’t gonna be able to take a phone call just impromptu, that was a good one.
When we had an actual date, I’d find a way to disagree with something he said. Not confrontational but just in passing, just to see how he’d react. It’s kind of amazing how many people just cannot take being disagreed with.
You know who finds this hilarious? My husband, after I told him about the tests he passed.
I wouldn’t recommend making up fake insecurities bc any lies suck regardless how small they are. It’s unnecessary .
A good test I’ve heard is if they ask you to do something and you say no . Do they respect your response or try to pressure you to do it regardless ? That’s a good way to see if they’re an asshole or if they can respect basic boundaries.
lol that’s some terminally online “advice”, sorry. Don’t encourage deception in real life conversations.
Heck I’m not about to bait trap someone. Take your time, hold your boundaries and don’t rush into meeting.
Disagree on something minor or offer an alternative suggestion and see how he reacts. Doesn’t have to be a big deal, just something like “oh I don’t care for Starbucks, let’s meet at the Nero across the street” or saying you prefer a different musical genre than him. Does he argue? Get annoyed? Or does he roll with it?
That woul definitely help me screen out people taking dating tests from tiktok
Setting up people for “tests” is tacky in my opinion. Yeah, if you’re saying you had cancer as a kid and he makes a terrible joke about it? No, thanks. But if you bring up your childhood nickname was “Pinky” and make up a cute story about your Dad? He might laugh at the story but not be putting you down. That’s just normal conversation. Use your discretion and discernment.
I had some stuff I wanted in a partner and would ask questions about those things – do you attend church? If have kids what’s the situation with the ex? Are they gainfully employed? Do they have hobbies?
Nope. Playing games is not a good way to assess people or build a relationship.
Life circumstances and time spent together will give PLENTY of opportunity to observe behavior and character. Don’t complicate it with deception and manipulation.
Honestly, you filter just by being aware of behavior, giving plenty of time to observe habits before getting deeply invested, and having boundaries.
Don’t say yes when you want/need to say no.
Don’t fudge your thoughts and beliefs to get his approval.
Don’t hide parts of you that you’re afraid might make someone think less of you (picky eater, weird phobia, unusual hobby, etc)
Openly disagree if he says something you disagree with.
Be straightforward about what you want and need.
Pay close attention to how he treats and speaks about others. That will eventually be directed at you.
Any and all of these opportunities will present themselves early on if you spend any amount of time together.
You also have to be willing to walk away immediately if there’s disrespect or mistreatment. That’s where a lot of people get stuck. It’s not fun to think of being single again and the good times feel good enough to make it tempting to give passes.
Stop with the games if you’re looking for a genuine relationship.
And stop watching these videos. Dating is not a game of Clue.
I’d probably encourage you to stop taking dating advice from teenagers on tiktok
I had red flag questions. But I still wed out MY big asks first (ie if you want kids, don’t fall for the “well, with the right person”)
Big ones for me were;
How was your last relationship and how did it end? – as soon as they start calling their X swear words, ✌️ out
How is your relationship with your mom? – again, big thing here with respect for women AND family
Gotta ask something political context
Something questionable – I asked my current partner how he felt about horoscopes haha, and his response was, “I’m not into that but cool if you are and I’d be down to hear about it.”
I’m super amused at those down voting me because I said I have zero desire to talk politics with random people 😂
I wouldn’t lie or play games.
But back when I was online dating, I realised I didn’t like meeting people in the evening. I preferred not to have alcohol involved, and they were more likely to hope the date would end with us going home together, so to nip that in the bud I’d start suggesting coffee dates early on.
It happened to weed out a) people who didn’t want to meet me if they couldn’t get me drunk and b) people who didn’t like it that I took the initiative and suggested to meet before they did.
And then I usually topped it with c) paying for my own coffee. Again, out of principle, not as a test, but happens to show who has a problem with not being able to create a feeling of “owing” them.
i don’t think you need to make something up. it will happen soon enough. however if you want to weed people out, you can ask specific questions that might give you an idea of the person they are. one woman i follow has her icebreaker on bumble as something along the lines of “what is your opinion of taylor swift?” it’s not that she likes her or listens to her, but weeds our men who project negative feelings about her as it indicates disliking a woman just for the sake of it. use a strategy like that rather than making stuff up.
Yes lie to your date to see how they react. Great way to build trust. Not. If someone did this to me it would be a huge red flag. It shows immaturity, dishonesty, and an inability to communicate.
I follow Burned Haystack Method on Facebook – I wish I’d had it 20 years ago – would have saved me a lot of heartaches.
These seems like playing mind games, and it will be a way for the people you’re dating to weed you out of the running.
Be an adult, use your words, be honest and forthright.
I don’t think this is bad. I think the quicker you find the bad apples the better the others will keep. I state what I’m having a hard time with and ask them how they would solve it
Playing games, manipulation and testing are no-gos for me, but a simple thing that helps me notice if a man respects me/my boundaries is whether or not he chooses to shorten my first name after I give it. Especially if they ask what I prefer to be called and still shorten it, after I state that my preference is the longer version which I introduced myself as. It happens organically anyway and tells me a lot about what I can expect from a person going forward
As others have said, stating preferences and making requests is the big one.
So, asking for a different location, type of date (ex. coffee shop instead of a bar, or a walk in town instead of a nature hike), a different time, or setting a boundary (ex. “I don’t personally like being called by nicknames, if you can stick to [my name]”) are other ways to do this.
I’d be careful about revealing personal medical information before meeting just from a personal safety perspective. Ideally have a date where you don’t have to reveal your allergies.
I prefer being honest but secretive about my problems and insecurities. I think the advice about not giving TMI about your life, problems and insecurities during the dating phase is a stronger advice.
People usually think that because they are honest or because they don’t want to lie, they HAVE to tell everything. It’s not. Knowing how to filter the information you want to disclose is a difficult but necessary skill to learn.
But I am a firm believer that we all show our true colors one way or another when the opportunity comes. So testing people is not necessary and it’s even a waste of time, in my opinion.
I don’t play games like this. Just be yourself, be authentic, and listen more than you talk.
manipulative games are not attractive. use your words
I’ve never done this, but I have strong boundaries so that kind of play would never fly with me.
One thing I’ve found that helps weed them out early is telling them no about something minor. “No, I can’t see you then. I’m available Friday though” is great, or “No I don’t like that restaurant, can we try this one instead?”
I think you’d be surprised at how few men handle being told No with grace and respect.
People’s past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.
People who are liars or who have questionable morals tend to have the following observable characteristics:
Eh. I generally don’t like the idea of manipulative stuff, but I’ll sometimes shoot down the idea of sex, even if I’m actually open to it, because I want to gauge the person’s reaction to being told “no”. If they’re mature about it, then if I do want to have sex it can be a nice surprise. If they’re whiny or rude or pushy in any way, then I stick to it and stop talking to them. It’s just giving myself an out that I may decide I don’t need.
I dont go that route but i do pay attention to see if they gossip about friends, exes, family, their love life. Also especially if they talk down about total strangers unprovoked, like someone minding their business is suddenly a target for ridicule.
This sounds weird and manipulative. You really don’t need to go through a process like that—abusers will make themselves apparent. Dr. Ana Yudin recently posted a good video about red flags to watch out for on YouTube.
Mind games suck, don’t do this.
Personally I would say meet them in person and trust your gut. If you don’t feel 100% right the it’s definitely not right. There’s nothing like: he seems abc but he xyz. No! He’s not for you,move on!
Maybe the problem is you still want to act childish and play games yourself?
We’re past our 20s. Time to use our words and stop playing games. I don’t have the energy to come up with a fake insecurity or boundary and try to prod someone into violating it.
I’ll just take them at face value.And if they cross one of my real boundaries, I’ll drop their ass.
I like to go by my first and middle initial. it just feels more like me and i get the bonus of a little bit of privacy regarding my legal name. i work with the public a ton so it feels like a social protection. then i learned that some people would show their true nature based on how they reacted to me politely refusing to share my name with them. i’ve had people taunt me with finding out “whether [i] like it or not,” and in one instance a coworker took my number from the employee group chat and admitted to running an unauthorized background check on me.
so uh, yea. if you can anonymize the name you go by as painlessly as possible, then you get a bonus built in vibe checker.