Hi! My boyfriend (27 m) has two young boys (3 & 5) with his previous partner of 8 years. I’m (25 f) looking for advice on how to navigate dating someone with children. My career is working with children in foster care and helping bio parents with parenting skills, so dating someone with children is not an issue or scary to me, just uncharted territory. I come from divorced parents and had a step mom who did not get along with my mom and often tried to get me to like her more than my mom. It was obvious as a child but even more obvious as an adult.
My goal and intention is to be respectful, stay in my lane, and support my boyfriend however I can. Any advice on how to navigate a new relationship and also dating someone with children for the first time. Thank you guys in advance, any advice or comments welcome.
TL:DR; My boyfriend has kids and I’m nervous about not overstepping boundaries so I’m asking for advise from other people who have dated someone with children so I don’t mess this up. We’ve been dating 3 months and are talking about next steps
Comments
How long have you been dating?
You sound like the person to handle that particular scenario perfectly. You’ll do great.
You have a conversation with him to discuss each other’s expectations! How can we guess what he expects?
If this is a relatively new relationship, you still shouldn’t be around the children yet.
The stepparent sub might have better advice for you.
I dated a man with kids once and would not be keen to do it again. Too many parents want the perks of a relationship without the work it requires to be an effective parent, co-parent, and partner.
How long have you been dating?
I’ve been very conscious of not trying to get the kids to like me too much (like your step mum – obviously trying to get them to like me more than their mum mum, not that I think it’s possible) Kids can smell that a mile off, as you did, and it’s off-putting, not to mention upsetting for their mum.
I let the relationship grow naturally, and just tried to be friendly and interested in them, and helpful, and playful, and now I’ve known them over half their lives and feel we’re very close and get along really well.
Sometimes I regret being maybe even a bit too standoffish and wish I could go back at times and let go a bit of being self conscious about it and give them more big hugs! I’ve never asked for hugs from them (nothing worse as a kid than feeling obliged to hug someone if you’re not comfortable)
Main thing, enjoy it! If this relationship lasts these are precious years!
I never had a problem with this until recently . Him being a guy , I don’t see a problem . But me personally, if I don’t resolve my current conflict with … I will think twice bfr dating a woman with a kid .
I will just say, don’t lose yourself. If you get to Sunday night and they’re all happy and you’re exhausted, that will absolutely wear on you, no matter how much you deny it.
Think of houses. You may end up spending 90% of your time together at their place. It gets tiring every night after work/gym/shower to not just put on sweats and sit your ass on the couch, your own couch.
I thought I could do it. In some ways I felt built for it. But I now am trying to avoid single parents when it comes to a long term committed relationship. Try it though, you might find it suits you.
I know you didn’t ask this but how long has it been since the break up or divorce if they were married? I’m asking because I’ve been there myself and you said he was with his ex for 8 years and is 27. Don’t date anyone who’s only separated but the divorce had not been finalized. And no matter what people say, everyone needs some time to work through their past relationship and grieve. Those who don’t do it and just jump into the next relationship are bad news. Otherwise it depends on how serious your relationship is and how it’s progressing. Meeting your partner’s kids anywhere from 3 months and onward is good. If he still doesn’t want to introduce his kids to you after months of dating, I would question that – is he not as serious as you are? Is he not ready for a relationship? Otherwise once you meet his kids – be their friend. Talk to them about their interests (video games, anime, Barbies, whatever kids are into these days lol.), play with them and be intentional about planning outings not just with your partner but with his kids too. (Obviously it’s up to your partner to do that as well) Hope this helps.