How did your relationship with your parent(s) change in your 30s and beyond?
I feel that now finally at 30, I have re-found my voice, I am pushing back, I’m OK with not being liked etc., and I am very willing to accept a life that doesn’t have the picture perfect family in order to save my own sanity. It’s not easy because I actually get along very well with my mother, but it is my stepfather who is a misogynistic narcissist, so I have to accept that I can’t see her as often as I would like to in order to protect myself. I have unfortunately given up on the hope of them ever separating, but I try to continue to remind my mother that she has a whole village that’s always ready to help her.
But still of course this all is very sad and frustrating, and as my mother’s only kid, it is sometimes lonely to navigate it because she really is the only person I have. I get along well with my extended family, but that’s just not the same in the end. And even when I join them for birthdays and holidays, it is hard not to feel like an outsider or an add-on in some ways.
I ws hoping to hear how other women may have navigated this type of dynamic in their lives and just overall similar stories. perhaps stories of encouragement, perhaps some tips, anything is welcome really
Comments
I was in a similar boat for a long time. My mom eventually did find the power to leave, which was awesome. We had a long talk & I pointed out that she stopped being the fun loving woman I grew up with. She never smiled & it hurt to watch her sweep herself aside for his comfort over & over again.
We don’t see each other as often now as I would like, but that’s a me issue, not an us one. You may have better luck inviting your mom out or to your place for mother/daughter time.
It’s hard. There’s this tension between me and some family. I love my dad, but he’s a narcissist and difficult to be around. I feel so sad for my grandma. She’s stuck in an abusive relationship, and it’s all she’s ever known.
Generational trauma is real. Breaking the cycle is hard. Grieving the family or childhood you didn’t have is a quiet kind of pain that doesn’t really go away.
I’ve learned to build my own version of family… friends who truly see and value me. It’s not easy, but it helps.
I grew up in similar circumstances. Currently lost hope as well that they would eventually separate as they moved now about 1.5hrs away and bought real estate.
I realized my mom is extremely avoidant as well and since she has no interest in putting any effort into keeping our connection once I moved out or seeing her first and only grandchild at all unless I’m right in front of her, so I have set down clear boundaries. With stepdad I am just civil when I have to and otherwise don’t engage.
I call my mom regularly once a week to check up on how they’re doing, expect no motherly interest in how I am doing, and visit rarely. Otherwise she gets in her head I’m rejecting them and gets weird presumptions. I have talked about her that what I expect is more reciprocatory effort and had to have multiple conversations for her to understand I am an adult with my own family, career and duties now, not a 19 year old people pleaser who can jump to help with a near-free schedule. She says she understands but never acts on it, but is perfectly happy with regular calls that are more like a friend than family.
I spent a majority of my 20s resenting them until my younger brother, who also moved out, recently brought to my attention our parents expect us to parent and guide them through milestones we both have made and they only now take on. So we have both been parentified beyond just our baby sister, respectively at the same age (8 year age gap) and experienced the same directionless feeling of having to search foe external role models since our parents aren’t such and as I now understand they never will be. I was very mad at the fact how backwards this dynamic is.
It took me a bit but I have come to accept this reality and buried any truly familial hopes towards my parents. They will never be my beacon of light to turn to but I will be a m presence that is there, but only to the point it does not drain me, as my absolute priority is my own nuclear family.
I don’t feel comfortable with no contact, but I am comfortable with low contact (calls) and speak my mind frankly. I stopped people pleasing and I am very proud of myself over that. I think my mother just does not know how to approach the person I have become.
The abuser was my stepdad. My mom only left him because he cheated on her. They’re still technically married even though it’s been 4 years and he now bought a house with his mistress. I’m extremely low contact with my mother. Like I had major surgery a few weeks ago and I told her after it happened only because she texted me. This has helped me protect myself and I’m more at peace with our relationship than ever before.