I’m 18F, my gf was 17F. We were dating for 9 months and talking for more than a year every day—always calling at night, always texting. We had a LDR and we were planning to meet for the first time in a few months. I was working so hard to save money to go see her and studying to maybe go to a uni close to her. But then, a week ago, she broke up with me out of nowhere, saying it’s not sustainable and not going to work out.
It was a shock for me because I just basically shaped all my future around being with her. I wanted to get her a promise ring and eventually move to her country. And I know it sounds stupid, but I have never met anyone that cared this deeply for me and showed they loved me. She was my best friend, and she just threw me away on a random Tuesday.
We called and talked about it, and she just seemed so okay with it, and I guess I agree a little with her too, but it is so painful. I’m a pretty lonely person and I struggled with suicide before—I attempted around 4-5 years ago, and I guess I recovered.
This isn’t my first heartbreak, but I feel so much pain all the time. My heart feels so tight. I don’t want to do anything. I wake up struggling to breathe and I can’t sleep. I just start sobbing out of nowhere, and I’m so tired. I want it to be over. It is so painful and I have no way of dealing with it.
I don’t have a will to live or anything to really live for in life, and I guess I put all of that on her or something. And her breaking up with me crushed everything. I have the most important exam of my life coming up in one month and it’s going to decide my future, but I have no will to study or do anything. It’s unbearable. I have not been able to eat for 4 days. Food disgusts me. I am in so much pain and I want to end it, but I can’t because of my beliefs.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I want to talk to her. I want to be back with her. But I know it’s not possible because she made me understand that it wasn’t.
And I do agree a little bit too because of our situations—making it work would mean being in a LDR for years and it’s just so complicated. But I was blind by how in love I was, and I threw everything away, and I was ready. I have a lot of walls, and she managed to get all of them down, and I trusted her with all my heart. But she changed her mind, and now I’m stuck. I can’t study, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t breathe. I don’t really have any friends, no hobbies. I don’t know what to do. I need help and I can’t talk to my parents or anyone about it because of homophobia, religion—pick your choice.
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Ahh, sweetie… This was first love, I’m guessing? An intense and all-consuming experience – and the end of it no less so. Everything you are feeling is completely natural and normal. The pain and turmoil will lessen. Passage of time will aid the healing, in a way for which there is no substitute. At this point, you need to try and have the patience to wait it out, allow the intensity to ebb, and show yourself kindness as you heal.
LDRs are challenging. It sounds, from what you say, that you do have some insight into ways in which this breakup was maybe inevitable? Maybe ‘for the best’? Try to focus on that. It was wonderful, and you wouldn’t have changed it for the world. But it ran its natural course.
You were already thinking in terms of the future, your next steps in education. All this – and the rest of your life – still lies ahead of you. You can adjust your plans, not abandon them. You are worth the optimism and the hope, and as good and happy a future as you can shape for yourself.
I am sorry you are not able to confide in, and receive support and comfort from, your own parents. That’s rough. Please have a virtual hug from this random internet mom.