My wife and I are 40-somethings. I’m a guy. We have been together for over a decade. We have a fantastic relationship, on the whole, but a long-running challenge is very different drives for sensuality as a couple. I am trying to either find peace with this or figure out how to work through it.
Asking for experiences, NOT advice
By sensuality, I mean sex, but also other immersive or physically intimate experiences. I’m not an adrenaline junkie, but I like to get out of my comfort zone. She’s a comfort zone person. I am a questioner, she’s more traditional. I like change, she likes stability. You get the picture.
We met doing a very intense job, but weren’t direct coworkers, started dating a week later, and have been together ever since. I had previous serious relationships, but she hadn’t.
When I left that job, some of these difference started to come to a head for the first time. I became much happier, and I had more overall desire. She stayed longer than me and the difference in happiness between us created a lot of strain. Eventually, she changed careers and became happier, which greatly improved our relationship, but the difference remained. For me, it was one of the hesitations for getting married. I knew I’d likely be permanently trading off some things that were fulfilling to me for many other ways in which we are great for each other. No couple is perfectly matched.
After we had kids, our sex life went to near zero for probably a couple years. I could have communicated my dissatisfaction better, but I didn’t want to make her worry about me when she was just trying to hold it together. This eventually led to some trying times in our relationship that forced us to talk about it. It has been better, but I still feel we have grown apart a lot. We don’t have the bandwidth to make the same efforts for each other that we made when we were younger. We can still find spark, but it takes a lot of work. I often find myself feeling unmotivated to try after years of routine frustration.
For me, sensuality gives me energy for the stresses in my life. For her, I think it’s more something she’s excited by when all other things are at peace, which rarely happens. Specifically concerning sex, I would probably do most nights, if it were solely up to me. For her, it’s not a big need. There has always been a difference, but after kids, she also just feels inherently less sexy. She says she gets into it once she’s turned on, but that it takes a lot to get into the headspace.
I truly adore my wife and our family life. There’s just this component of me that has long been unsatisfied. I think she’s happy with who she is and I don’t want her to change for me. I also doubt that our relationship would permit me finding those connections elsewhere. I am worried that my negativity will continue mount over time. Or can I continue accept that this is the sacrifice for all the things I love about my life. I am not sure.
For people who can relate, what have you done, and how has it worked out?
TL;DR married for a a while, frustrated with large sex drive difference, trying to figure out how to come to terms with it.
Comments
Okay, I might regret posting this… but here goes nothing.
I’m an ER nurse with some background in sexual health, and I wanted to share a quick (and hopefully helpful) biology-based explanation with a bit of humor thrown in.
Here’s the basics of it:
From a biological perspective, our sex hormones drive us toward survival… primarily through reproduction. That means:
Look at nature: female animals don’t seek out mates when they’re stressed or in unsafe environments. Same goes for humans. That may even tie into why postpartum depression exists… our brains and hormones are wired to prioritize survival.
Now, as women age, fertility naturally declines, and estrogen and progesterone shift. That can lower sex drive. Meanwhile, men’s testosterone keeps them interested… and with Viagra in the mix, they can stay sexually active much longer than in generations past.
So what does this mean practically?
If a woman isn’t trying to have a baby, and her sex hormones are slowing down, then enjoyment is her only incentive to want sex. And let’s be honest… it’s not always a guaranteed good time. If she’s tired, stressed, or mentally checked out, the idea of sex might feel like one more task on a long list.
Here’s my advice:
Stop making sex into an epic performance or a chore. Skip the pressure to always “last longer” or be a hero. Sometimes, a quick, simple, no-fuss session is all it takes to reconnect. And when her hormones do align (hello, ovulation window!), that’s the time to bring the enthusiasm and let her enjoy it fully. have a conversation with your wife, and give her permission to let you have your 5 minutes of fame.
You can tell your wife that I said sex is incredible important to men, it is a basic life necessity. :/
Bottom line: if sex stops feeling like work, she might want it more often. Make it easier, not heavier.
I am like your wife in this scenario.
I’ll say a thing, regarding this:
> I could have communicated my dissatisfaction better, but I didn’t want to make her worry about me when she was just trying to hold it together.
There is no amount of “communicating better” that has ever made a difference to my sex drive. I know my partner wants more sex. He has communicated that. I know he feels he suffers from the lack. But I cannot make myself want it. I would if I could, I have tried everything I could possibly think of to make it happen, therapy, supplements, meditation, planning, not-planning, whatever – and it never happened.
So my options are either to have sex I don’t want to have (tried that, don’t recommend, it’s very damaging) or not have sex.
I’m not saying this to tell you that “it’s hopeless” or whatever. I’m saying, don’t blame yourself for not “communicating better”. Sometimes the magic words just don’t exist.
As for my husband, what I eventually said to him was that he could learn to live without, or we could divorce. So far, he’s still here.
Advice I can have (from my side of the fence) is to try to figure out what you get out of sex (intimacy? Validation? Physical release? Something else? All of the above?) and try to find other, non-sex ways to get that.
With us, we spend quality time together, we sometimes shower/bathe together, I offer massages (he likes them, I don’t), we have long evenings of cuddling in front of a movie or series, we have date nights, we care for each-other.