My partner M/25,Jay, and I NB/21, have been dating for 4 years. Jay has a friend, Micheal, M/28, who I don’t really like. Throughout our relationship I’ve expressed my dislike and concerns about Michael.
Michael and Jay have been friends for 15 years ~, and while I have tried to get along, I just find it very difficult. Michael has a habit of drinking a lot, and talks about people in very rude and uncomfortable ways. From slurs to a little gross comments, it’s brushed me the wrong way.
Beyond that, whenever we’re together, Michael never includes me in the conversations. It tends to only be about his interest. While I have tried to comment, it’s very hard to when it’s something I have very little knowledge or interest in. Michael also seems to only talk to Jay, he’ll never address me or talk directly to me, always through Jay.
When I spoke to Jay about it, he just said “that’s how he is” or that I never make an effort to talk more. Although the times I have, the conversation was immediately changed (for example, we were talking about work and I mentioned I’m planning to go study. Michael then said “oh thats cool”, then went back to talking about cars with Jay – both work in the motor industry).
To add to the complexity, Jay isn’t out to Michael yet. So whenever we’re there, I’m always deadnamed and misgendered. I’ve told Jay how hurtful it is, and it makes me feel like I’m a secret that has to hide away. Jay said he wants to come out, but worried Michawl won’t accept him.
So, in these 4 years, it seems like nothing has changed. It feels like I’m always second to Michael. Even on an anniversary, Jay went to Michael when he called (want in trouble or anything, just wanted to smoke with him) eventhough I said I don’t want to because it’s an important day for me. I’m just not sure how to deal with all this? What more can I try to do to be a better partner and not keep Jay away from his friend?
TL;DR I don’t like a friend of my partner, for many reason. But I feel it’s important to get along for my partner. How can I try do that?
Comments
Your partner is openly disrespecting you just to appease someone he isn’t even sure would accept him?
This would be a HUGE issue if I were you.