I (23, female) thought I was already over it but now looking back on past messages makes my stomach queasy.
Some several years back, when I was less experienced and more immature, I got into an online-situationship, my first real exposure to reciprocated romance. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, so I was fine with the status.
A year later, after many shared secrets, words of affection, and thousands of messages later, I come to find out that the person I was speaking to had lied about a lot of things. I’m still not sure the details because I bailed out of there as soon as I found out, but I am pretty sure a couple was behind the account, as well as some of their friends.
I was utterly humiliated, to say the least. It was the first time I really felt seen in that way, and I couldn’t wrap my head around how any of what we exchanged could be anything less than genuine, but there we were.
My fear and paranoia kicked in when I realized- these people have seen what I look like, know my name, know a LOT about me (things that even people irl do not)- and what I knew about them was likely mostly fake.
A few years later, I somehow accidentally stumble across our messages which I thought I deleted (I am pretty sure I did, so I don’t know how they even resurfaced.)
Honestly I just feel pretty fucking bummed. I wish I’d never gotten involved at all, because now whenever I experience romantic attraction, I realize how largely this exchange from a years ago has impacted my view on love and my expectations- because, hell, even if it was all fake, I was treated so, so well, and we connected so, so well.
Only to found out I was being made a mockery of behind me back for the entirety of it.
I want to throw up, honestly. I thought I got over it, but I feel like I’m left with some traumas that make me highly distrustful of people and deeply insecure. And even now, years later, I worry that I’ll be doxed or I’ll find my name and/or picture floating about in the internet. And worst of all, I’m embarassed and afraid of anyone irl finding out about that because I hid it from everyone.
TL;DR: past immature naivety and pure desire for love led me to unsafe internet habits which continue to haunt me continuing into the later portions of my adulthood.
Comments
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It’s unfortunate you encountered this, I’m sorry you had to go through this; people can certainly be brutal online or not. I understand your fear, if it helps, they didn’t value you; and probably don’t recall to much and likely will never expose your information. If they do it’s doxing which is illegal last I checked.
The truth of the matter is you trusted someone, you were treated well even if it was a lie, and that’s the whiplash of it; something like this can exist, but at the time it was a lie. Perhaps it’s a type of relationship your looking for excluding the drama.
My recommendation is often trauma left unresolved can fester, the things you told them you don’t want anyone to know can be safely unpacked with a therapist. I’m sorry your trust was violated. It happens, in the online world; bullying.
Betrayal has a unique issue. you essentially need to train your nervous system to trust again.
Take your time
Allow the pain to pass through you.
Maybe ask yourself why you care?
Again I cant stress this enough a therapist goes a long way, they have tools to help you heal.