Typically men are supposed to be hard in the sense that they lack emotion and are logical robots that can bare it all and protect and provide for others and themselves.
The opposite of this definition is how society defines the “soft” man. This is the main that is in touch with his emotions and is emotionally available. He may cry at times, he may get sad, he may ask for help, he may not be able to always do everything 100%, he also may be emotional about things and sensitive about issues and have insecurities that affect him.
I am wondering which one do you think you are naturally and which bucket makes you happier.
I ask because I grew up and was trained to be that first bucket of a hard man. My wife changed everything for me because while I was softer with her, I was still a hard man and it created walls with us. Through love she helped me grow and become more emotionally available and turned me into a proud softy. I find im much happier in this bucket and I haven’t traded anything positive by making the switch.
However, I know this is just my story. I want to know how others feel. Are we all happier being what society shames us for being? Do your emotions have anything to do with your ability to protect and provide, I don’t think so, but maybe others do.
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Too black and white I’d say. Everyone’s a shade of grey, or eventually turns into one at the minimum.
Adjust to your own world, however you need to adjust.
Being both makes you a true man
I look like. “Hard guy”. 6’5 225, muscular, buzzed head, etc. I have been told I look “scary”.
To counter that, I try to be the nicest person around, to soften the edges I guess.
I think I started somewhere in the middle, but life has definitely hardened me. The only time I can remember crying as an adult was when my 16 year old Shiba Inu passed away. After two divorces, I’m not very comfortable displaying emotions anymore.
I grew up in a liberal family with the soft side encouraged. I cultivated some of those hard traits intentionally for balance, respect, and self reliance. In some cases, it’s the proper way to deal with the world. I’m still fairly soft, though.
Be what you have to be in order to survive
I work in construction and i have tech startups and I have boards I am on, I have kids
Sometimes I am an absolute prick, sometimes I am considerate, sometimes I am giving.
Hardly every am I vulnerable.
I have Alexithymia, I am extremely ‘hard’ to a problematic degree. It is not so much anything to do with how I was raised but my lack of certain types of empathy based on the brain that was given to me.
Much prefer to be on the softer side. I can stand on business if I need to but I don’t like being that guy these days. Psychedelics have changed me lol.
I’m a softie mostly and a tough guy now and then. Don’t let society define you, the world is better of the more chill guys are. Lonely stoic men aren’t a good thing.
I’m somewhere in between, but leaning towards “hard” by those descriptions.
I do have emotions, but they’re never very strong. My brain prefers cold rationality over feelings.
I am definitely not emotionally available or vulnerable. I can cry with the right trigger (well, my eyes get slightly watery; I haven’t truly “cried” in decades). I rarely get sad (except for those triggers mentioned; but even that sadness leaves as quickly as it comes). I never ask for help.
But aside from just the passive influence of society in general, I was never trained to be this way. I see it as just how I naturally am.
It depends on context, situation, environment.
Chilling with cats after work – soft guy.
10 minutes before, on the bus with fent zombies… Much harder.
Soft: more sensitive (feels emotions more deeply)
Hard: less sensitive (feels emotions less deeply)
I’m considered soft
Sometimes I’d like to be hard, because it makes life a bit easier IMO, but that’s only because my “feel more deeply” emotions are socially ostracized. And feelings can be exhausting. But it helps me to connect with people very easily. Downside, it’s hard to push past those feelings and it requires so much mental energy to counter them
I think both have pros and cons
And I agree that none of it has anything to do with how you show up as a man
Also many men lie to themselves — anger IS an emotion, and if you’re angry all the time you’re probably too soft lol
I’m a slender, 5’5″, runty, little guy, with pretty minimal emotions. If I tried to be a “hard man” I’d be laughed out of the room. I’m not interested in caring for, or providing for anyone. I’m not nurturing- though I am pretty empathetic, I’m rarely sympathetic, if that makes sense. I don’t think I’m especially soft. I was told once that I wasn’t “cuddly”. I don’t really fit in any boxes. So I don’t know how to categorize myself.
I’m in academia (environment/climate/AI), ive been on and off vegan for 6 years, and care a lot about my appearance. At the same time I also played college football, back country camp, drive a pick-up and enjoy shooting guns. If you look at me on paper to some I’d be a soy-boy and feminine (AKA: soft) to others I have traits associated with toxic masculinity (hard). I’m happy with the life I have and the interests I hold. Most importantly, I’m a good and reliable neighbor, a caring and trusting loved one, and I go out of my way to not be a dick. Doesn’t matter how you present, give yourself some grace but follow what you love, don’t be a jerk, and know how to protect/save yourself in tricky situations, this is all that matters.
Soft is more useful in everyday life tbh.
Like most people, I can be both. The trick is knowing when it is proper to be either one or the other.
I prefer to be “soft.” Life is easier that way. I like most people, and as hard as it can be to admit it, we’re pack animals and all of us want people to like us, too. Accomplishing this being “soft” is leagues easier than being “hard.”
However if my family, myself, or someone who is unable to defend themselves is being mistreated, I can and will flip on the “hard.”
Another facet I can think of is tough love. In my line of work I have had to have difficult conversations with people who may not be receptive. If the “soft” approach is not working, tough love is what comes next. Tough love comes across as “hard,” but when you really break it down it is “soft” at its core.
Lastly, I think it takes conscious effort to soften ourselves up – especially for those of us with difficult childhoods. Having a hardened heart from past trauma is default. We don’t get any better running our default setting all the time.
Way too many men think it’s “hard” to live with their junior high bullies in their head telling them what color their beer coozie should be but it’s actually really sad.
I am definitely a “soft” man but I don’t think being soft means that I have insecurities that “hard” men don’t. Soft for me means gentle and empathetic, and I allow myself to feel and understand the full spectrum of emotions that human beings experience. I am soft spoken and exude a calm aura. I support victims of sexual violence for work, and there are not a lot of men in my line of work. I do feel that folks I work with feel comfortable with me because I respect their experience and needs, and I’m proud of that. I am secure about who I am and how I carry myself, and don’t feel a need to act more or less masculine than I feel. I definitely feel that being a soft man makes me the most happy, since it helps me build deeper and more meaningful friendships and relationships.
Having said that, I would not be happy if I feel that society wants me to be any softer or harder than I am. I think the secret to it all is finding comfort in who you are, what makes you happy, and also to ask yourself what you want in life and whether there is anything you need to address before you can have that life (ie. there’s a difference between thinking that you should just be able to have good relationships ‘just the way you are’ and working on yourself and learning how to be a good friend/partner to the kinds of relationships you want in reciprocation).
By those definitions? Soft.
I cry at adverts, play with Lego, garden in a way that cares for nature, and can bake.
Hard and soft are a spectrum, but also there’s discretion at when to be hard, and when to be soft.
I like to think of being a mature man as having principles and values, but Masculinity as a spectrum that exists with Femininity… because the only way masculinity can exist is if femininity exists.
Where femininity can be chaotic as the ocean, or imbued with fiery passion, masculinity is focused and stoic. In control.
In love, where femininity surrounds, masculinity is penetrative and guides.
In peace, where femininity is nurturing and gentle, masculinity is protective and direct.
We all have aspects of both, and knowing when to animate your feminine and your masculine is part of being a whole person.
Pretty early in the my life it’s learned the trick of being able go give permission tho those who can shame ne, and those who cannot.
So, I’ve always shown emotion when it seemed appropriate to show it based on the the way I felt about it.
I alone noticed, fairly earky, that those who tended took be “hard men” had no filter on anger or rage and I wasn’t joining that club.
I’m a soft, weak boy encased by a hard man. Hard men don’t get tough without trauma.
I think I come across as hard. Heavily tattooed, piercings, wear black, lift weights.
I spent a lot of my 20’s angry, depressed, and empty. I drank entirely too much and lost my self.
I put a lot of stock in being a hard-ass until my late 20’s. I now embrace my kitties, poetry, fancy latte’s and cocktails. I go to therapy, I’m learning to be emotionally open.
Mostly I don’t give a shit about anyone’s opinion except my own, and my partners.
I guess I’m soft.
Pretty much this
I don’t feel pressured about my masculinity for the most part.
My emotions can be muted or delayed due to alexithymia and while this can appear to be positive, it’s not always the case.
That said, when I have my emotions, I express them as I need to as intensely as I need to – unless it’s anger. I’ll describe my anger, I’ll talk about how it affects me, but I won’t shout about it, I won’t aim it at people around me, either.
But sadness, happiness, and all the rest, that’s different. I will say that to an extent, my appearance and how I sound make it so that my masculinity is less doubted.
Just be who you wanna be and don’t harm anyone in the process.
I’m definitely in between, and can turn either on or off in a heartbeat. One of my partners first attractions to me was how quick I am with responses that will shut people down and stop their b.s. On the other side of that coin I’ll be as soft as anyone can be, which I guess is also attractive.