My husband’s deployed. I went on vacation with our kids. I saw on the camera my MIL randomly at my house on the cameras and asked why she was there….my husband who’s over in a sandbox messaged her to check to make sure I locked the doors…
My husband absolutely has a weird relationship with his mom. To put it lightly when his parents come over, they hardly pay attention to their grandkids. My parents barely pay attention to me anymore because they want to see the kids more! I’ve always felt like his mom never really grew up into any real hobbies of her own. He has a brother also and its like her son’s (both in their 40s) are still her main focus.
I’ve had 7 mother’s days, all about her. My husband is very lacking in sensitivity and understanding and honestly I think he’s just a product of his parents.
Anyway, he deployed in June. Since then his mom has mad zero real attempts to help me or the kids or even see the kids. Im a stay at home mom (im pretty financially reliant on my husband). I have 1 day a week (sunday) where I practice at my sword club (check out HEMA Longsword if you wanna nerd out). 6 other days im free with the kids. She recently messaged me how she’s been so busy because she works mon-wed, goes canning on Thursday, yard saling friday, couldn’t remember Saturday but she knows how I have sword on Sunday……
So…she’s been too busy to stop down and see her grandkids while their father is a literal ocean and some more land away….
Im at home, by myself, with a 4 and 7 year old. Trying to make a great summer for my kids while supporting them emotionally, im making sure the grass is cut, the garden is watered and the regular day to day inside chores are done. Its actually really exhausting. My parents help as much they can, but they are older and ultimately its not their job to take care of my kids.
Anyway, we are on vaction at the beach and apparently my husband asks her to check my house and make sure I locked the doors….so, in her busy schedule, she made time to stop by my house when we arent there. Am I the asshole for being pissed? Am I the asshole for being absolutely offended by my husband? Im really feeling some type of way and I dont know if im overreacting…but I am definitely over here like, what the fuck?
Also, just to be clear, I even locked all the windows in the house too!
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Yeah I’d be annoyed too. Feels less like ‘security check’ and more like an excuse for her to snoop while you’re gone.
Your mil sounds like she sucks but the bigger problem is your husband. Why doesn’t he trust you locked the doors. Is this his way of showing his mother she’s more trustworthy than you? I never jump to separation or divorce in these posts but it might not be a bad idea to look for a job. I do believe the military will help and/or fund childcare.
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What exactly are you pissed about? The woman checked on your house because she was asked to do so. Nothing bad is happening here.
It appears you’re not fond of your MIL.
eta – from my perspective as a mom of 4 kids I would not be offended if my husband asked someone to check on our house. It would be entirely possible that I may have forgotten to do that. I’m a flawed human being & getting 4 kids ready to leave & in the car is enough to think about.
Nta, but let this one go. If your husband asked his mom to check the house, it’s because he’s trying to focus on home rather than whatever is going on wherever he is. That said, you seem to have some built-up resentment with your mother in law. It would be a lot easier for you to just accept who she is and what her limitations are when it comes to relationships. You sound like you need some support from other spouses, from people who live in the same world as you. Oftentimes, civilian family members, even those closest in relation, do not understand sacrifices that military families have. These relatives are the same ones who won’t drive across town to meet you for lunch when you have come across the country to visit home. Your chosen family is full of camouflage, reach out to your sisters and vent to them because they’re the only ones who will get it. 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
Your dear husband is enmeshed with his mother. You are just her son’s sidepiece and she allows it because sex with him would be unacceptable so he gets to have his fun as long as she is the main person in his life. Your kids are just a byproduct of that.
So if he asks her to do something she is all over it, but can’t be bothered to stop by and visit you, she has no interest in a relationship with you or the kids.
So drop the rope. Ensure that she doesn’t have a key or access to the house, he can ask her to check to make sure it is locked but as long as she can’t get in and snoop then that is a start. Let him schedule all the visits and celebrations with her. She probably won’t even notice that you are no longer attending the backyard BBQ with him or stopping by with him to visit. That is what she wants anyway.
Nope, NTA and you should go on a nice long vacation solo after your husband gets back then on day 4 text his mother to go check on the house.
Your MIL sounds like mine. She would want to come over all the time “to see her babies” but her and her husband would just sit on the couch complaining about work/life etc. and have zero to do with the grandkids.
Once the kids reached school age, they literally never see them. Never come over, never see their sporting events (which we always tell them about). Make no effort for Xmas or their bdays. So I return their level on interest – they get zero from me.
NTA- tell your husband that if he trusts you to raise your kids 100% of the time while he is deployed then you are trustworthy enough to lock the damn doors!
This isn’t a MiL problem because you don’t miss not seeing her. This is a husband problem. I don’t know how you sort it but if it’s his income alone that’s tying you to him, that’s not enough. NTA
It could be just keeping the MIL occupied with busy work. Give her something to worry about, other than his deployment, give her something to do, put her in charge of something.
If this is the case, he definitely should have told you about it.
Kind of weird.
Not completely abnormal.
The fact you’re this pissed about it reflects bigger issues than the fact he actually did it.
Yeah your husband is enmeshed big time. But you also need to figure out your own financial independence and stop being 💯 reliant on him. If only you aren’t utterly dependent on him for everything.
I’ll give your husband the benefit of the doubt. I think he gave his mother a task to deflect from something else.
So you have a shitty husband but youre NTA. You are married to a lousy one though.
Y’all need a big family therapy session so you can tell this is not right and lay all your feelings on the table. She needs to stop trying to nurse grown ass men and he needs to get off the tit. I’m not sorry but I can’t stand parents who don’t let their children live after reaching adulthood. It’s sad and pathetic. Life moves on and we all die so make the best of it while you’re here, don’t let on the past block the present.
Just a thought here, but you say in a comment that the neighbours are watering plants and grabbing mail. Could it be more likely that your husband is checking that the neighbours lock up properly than that you did?
NTA
NtA. You’re MIL sucks a bit, but your husband is the actual problem. He’s a mamas boy and that’s never going to change.
NTA I’d have a very long and unpleasant conversation with the said husband. Sorry, might just be me, but I marry my husband, not his mom, dad and whatever else. If he can’t let mommy go for his own family, I’m out. Who said she wasn’t there to snoop around and look for your dirt? Checking up on the house is a perfect excuse. In any case NTA for being angry that there was anyone in your house without prior discussion about it (“babe I’d like mom to drop by the house when you’re gone, just so if anyone has self ideas of breaking, they’d see people there now and again. Do you mind? I’m away, it would really make me feel better)
Are you sure it’s your MIL you are really pissed at ? It sounds more like you are unhappy with your life ATM and are just using her as an excuse to be miserable. You need a chat with your hubby, and be honest , this isn’t a MIL issue