Im depressed and lazy.
I don’t have the motivation to better my life much less end it.
But im going to waste away and die I think. I’m at a crossroads right now, and I am actually trying to get better. But I don’t think it’s progressing as fast as someone else would like. And they’ve been waiting a long time. And every time I feel like I make progress recently. Or am having a good day. They touch on something that’s been discussed to death. That is a problem. That I’m trying to work my way upto. And every time I feel like I slide back down the slick side of the hole I’m trying to crawl out of.
And I’m starting to feel like I’ll never be able to get better fast enough to save our relationship.
I of course want to love myself and do this for myself, but it’s hard. And they are one of the reasons I want to get better too.
But I’m wondering if they’d be better off if I left.
And in that line of thinking I end up going down this rabbithole of convenient ways of my life coming to an abrupt end. That is out of my control. That saves me suffering, and doesn’t inflict the trauma on them of me choosing to end my life.
Idk. Just wanted to put this out into the universe.