My best friend and I have been friends for 23 years. I am 36/F, she is 37/F. She has been dating a man for about 10 years now, that is a complete jerk. I lived in a different state for their entire relationship so it wasn’t until this past year of living near each other again, that this has become apparent to me. He talks to her like crap. He makes her entire family uncomfortable because of it, but no one will say anything bc they are not the type of people to speak up. He antagonizes my kids, me, and my husband. It’s so uncomfortable. On the 4th of July I got word of him telling someone else something very private about my son, and it instantly brought me to tears. I then went to her and voiced that this upset me. We have never had any major fights between us, and I had no reason to believe I couldn’t discuss this with her. She immediately was defensive and swears that whoever told me that, is a liar, and I am a bad friend for believing it. She hasn’t spoken to me since. She said that if I’m going to believe a lie, our friendship is done. I have reached out so many times, really upset. Telling her how upset I was, to lose our friendship. I told her I regret saying anything at all, and that our friendship is too important to me to lose. She has not responded at all. I go back and forth between being mad, and being really devastated. We were both so excited for me to have moved back home and we get to be besties in the same city again. Now, it’s all over. I don’t know what to do. I want to talk to her, but I don’t know what else to say. Could anyone please offer some words that may be helpful in reaching out to her?
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Your friendship with this woman is more valuable than protecting your kids and husband from her abuser husband? What is wrong with you?
Bottom line – he is a pathological abuser and your “friend” enables it. There is no solution other than going no contact with this person. Or, you become another enabler of abuse yourself, which is disgusting.
Protect your kids and your spouse.
Your friend is under the control of an abusive partner. Send her this book-
https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
And read it yourself for perspective. My sister was in a relationship like this where her jerk partner pushed away all her friends and family by making a huge fuss every time she tried to see them, and criticized them for questioning the relationship.
It sounds like she is digging into a bad decision about her choice of partner, and burning bridges rather than facing up to his issues. You should absolutely draw a boundary about having this man in your life, if he is acting in ways that are harmful to your children.
You can say something like “Hey friend, I want to affirm how much I love you, but I have to be clear that I cannot be around your partner because of (actions he has done). I am happy to continue our friendship, but only with you. If this isnt ok with you, then please know that the door is open of something changes. If not, I’m grateful for the good memories together.
And thats it… you get to say this kind of thing exactly once, and then hope she comes around.
OP, I can really see why this is tearing you up inside. It’s like losing a limb, ain’t it? Your friend’s happiness should always come first, if she needs space, give it to her. And remember, true friends, they’re rare as hens’ teeth, ya know? Don’t let this be the end.