I’m kind of in disbelief and laughing at the sheer audacity of this woman.
My apologies in advance for the long post/rant!
Tw/cw: Pregnancy loss
A few months ago, my DH and I had no choice but to terminate a pregnancy. (I had some serious complications) This was something we did not share with his family, only a few of our close friends knew. The complications were a LOT for both of us to navigate.
My DH had mentioned to his mother how we’re both not sure if we want children in the future. A week after he had this conversation with his mother, we had a family dinner planned with a good majority of my DHs family: parents, brothers, grandparents, family friends and their spouses.
Nearing the end of dinner, my DH needed to excuse himself to help his disabled brother into his car. My MIL thought it’d be a great time to lay into me how she “never wants to be a grandma”, how she’s “happy she’s not a grandma” mixed with questions asking if I “really understood how expensive childcare is” and “how difficult raising a child is”.
Needless to say, I was taken aback especially since she started this conversation directly at me in front of everyone. This entire conversation felt like an intervention. Only 2 of my DHs family members were listening and paying attention to this transaction. It felt like she was implying pregnancy would solely be my fault, I’d trap my spouse into a baby, I’m the one making decisions on whether we have a child or not and I’m too stupid/clueless when it comes to raising a baby.
My DH & I have been together for a little over 3 years, married for a couple of months & both work in tech where we make a generous salary. We definitely have the means to provide for a baby if we decide to have a baby: MIL is very aware of all of this.
Needless to say, I told my DH what she said immediately when we started our drive home and he was PISSED. He called her the next day and let her know that this is our business and she should not be making any comments pushing towards having or not having kids. She apologized to HIM about what she said to ME.
Things have been awkward since then and after some more not-so-supportive-of-my-marriage comments from MIL were made, I laid all of my feelings and thoughts out to my DH.
He’s since taken accountability in recognizing that private topics such as children should be strictly kept private & his mother does owe me an apology (not just him) since she had no business sharing her beliefs/thoughts on something that is our decision.
This weekend he held her accountable & let her know some context on how we had no choice but to terminate a pregnancy not even 3months before she laid everything out on me at the family dinner.
(This was mutually agreed on after I asked my DH to share this context to drive home the point that she needs to take her words into consideration as she may not know what goes on behind closed doors)
DH told her it would mean a lot to him and saving her relationship with me if she would apologize to the person she said all of these things to, me. She agreed that she’d apologize and she told him she didn’t know the full context. DH made it clear to her that she sometimes might not ever know full context and he did a disservice to his wife by disclosing private topics and not setting these boundaries earlier. Overall, the conversation went well.
My DH was going through waves of disappointment, anger and frustration with his mother for not apologizing since the weekend.
Well, today she texted DH & I while I was on the phone with DH.
Was it the apology? No.
What did she text me about? She was asking us how to set up her doordash account as it was “urgent”.
My DH ignored her text about doordash setup 10min prior so she texted the next best person when DH ignores her..me
I wish I was joking. I couldn’t help but laugh, she has the means to send a text about doordash which she worded as an “urgent” matter – but taking accountability in a text/call to repair her relationship with her DIL is too much work. My DH was even more furious at how she seriously texted us this, he felt extremely dismissed and like she doesn’t take our marriage or my relationship with her seriously at all.
We got off the phone and DH called her to tell her how to set doordash up before laying into her. Needless to say she asked my DH what she “did this time”. DH called her out on how she still owes his wife an apology, but is requesting “urgent” doordash troubleshooting from us instead. MIL raised her voice at my DH telling him she “isn’t dealing with this right now” before hanging up the phone on him. She has a son that lives with her that could’ve helped her & Google exists – there wasn’t any reason to request this doordash troubleshooting from us lol..
I never responded to her text and don’t plan to.
I’m very proud of my DH for setting all of these boundaries and standing up for me. I am however, still laughing at the audacity of my MIL while helping DH navigate the reality of his mom truly being an invasive asshole.
Edit #1: DH and I mutually discussed and agreed to share context of the termination with my MIL to further drive home the point that she’s not always going to be aware of what happens behind closed doors and she needs to be considerate of her wording. This was a decision I actually brought up for discussion with my DH before he shared this with her.
Also, the doordash issue was resolved quickly by my husband..she needed to put her address in the app for a delivery…
Edit #2: Super appreciate everyone sharing advice and perspectives I didn’t take into account!
I shared all of these concerns with my spouse and he agreed that answering her pointless question PRIOR to standing on his boundary/expectation may give the impression to MIL that he’s sweeping everything under the rug/prioritized her needs even if he reiterated to her that she still owes me an apology and it spoke volumes on how little she respects me after he answered her. I’ve decided to go NC with my MIL, I don’t know if that will change, but I’m not comfortable with exploring the idea of anything other than NC at this time. My spouse has decided that he will be going NC and will be expressing why he will be going NC w/ MIL as this entire situation spoke volumes to both of us. If there are any “emergencies” or “family matters” that require a phone call, DH can hear it from his brothers or other relatives – Not MIL. DH will be letting his counselor know about this entire ordeal as well.
Thank you again to everyone for chiming in!
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honestly i think she knows she was wrong but would rather double down than admit it. which makes her worse than just being ignorant bc now its ego over empathy
Well she sucks, but seriously as if he HELPED HER SET UP DOORDASH before telling her off!
Her reliance on DH directly opposes her view that having children is a burden! She relies on HIM!
So, you and your husband agreed to keep private things private and after that he tells his meddlesome mother about a pregnancy termination and you’re not enraged at your husband? She’s not going to be able to keep that secret for very long. She’ll reveal it in front of lots of people when it best suits her. I am truly sorry that you had to go through that. Unfortunately, too many people aren’t as understanding about that situation.
A demanded apology will never be sincere. She’s not capable of apologizing to you as she doesn’t deem you worthy of her son or her by extension.
You could enlighten her that the only way to not become a grandparent is to never have children. Otherwise, she gets no vote in that decision.
Yeah still not getting it.
He says he won’t share personal information, then tells her personal information.
He calls her back to tell her off, but helps her first by giving her the requested information she asked for.
Not sure he understands how a boundary works.
Okay so neither of you get that MIL doesn’t care.
She’s 110% about herself and doesn’t care what your air vents flap in her direction. You have two choices. Either you continue on as you are with her being an overbearing and needy brat, or you stop
Stop helping
Stop informing
Stop debating
Stop indulging
She’s crapped all over her relationship with you and thinks that’s just peachy because you keep coming back and doing what she wants, even if you are grumbly while doing it. STOP and give her actual consequences for ignoring him and berating you.
She is not planning on apologizing because she meant what she said to you. She doesn’t want you have children and your husband have more responsibilities that take him away from her. And since your husband told her about the maybe not wanting kids she thinks it’s him who doesn’t want them so she was “sticking up for him” when she said what she said to you. She texted about the doordash issue to get you guys to talk to her without the apology because she’s hoping enough time will pass that you will rug sweep it. Any apology you get now is not going to be genuine and it will be half assed saying “I’m sorry IF I said anything that upset you”. Your husband needs to officially put his foot down with her and not let it go and stop helping her/falling for the traps of stupid excuses to talk to him about anything other than her apologizing
But it was obviously ok for her to have kids when she wanted to🙄 it’s just jealousy. She doesn’t want to lose any of his time to his responsibilities for kids
Dude, MIL’s got some real audacity, huh? Sorry you’re dealing with this BS rn. IMO, an apology’s defs overdue but man, her priorities seem way outta whack. Props to DH for stepping up tho. Don’t stress yourself too much over her nonsense, you’re in the right 100%. Take care!
I’m very sorry for the loss of your pregnancy. Better days ahead for you.