For some back story: My (32F) and my boyfriend (39M), Michael, have been dating on and off since June 2024. We are both expats from the States living in Europe. We had instant chemistry from the first time we hung out and everyone in our vicinity would comment on it. There was potency to our connection that was quite overwhelming at times. We dated the rest of the summer until I was forced to leave the EU as my visa was not finalized, it meant 90 days in a LDR. Things had moved pretty fast for us but I always had a small concern in the back of my mind.
My previous relationship ended as my ex cheated on me with his own ex partner so I have a little trauma from people not being over their exes. The first time I met Michael was in a group setting and I overheard him make a comment about him having moved to our town to continue healing from a previous heartbreak. He wouldn’t ever talk about his ex other than reminding me how “intense” the relationship was and sharing oddly specific details about their intimate life (at all of the wrong times mind you). He also shared with me how deeply he was hurting over their relationship by playing a personal cover he recorded of Wicked Games, which hurt me to be subjected to.
Back to the story, the LDR really wasn’t something that aligns with my desires of a relationship and admittedly I ended the relationship in a very unfortunate and poor way. I was not super mature about it because I was scared and he wasn’t acknowledging my feelings/concerns at the time.
When I returned to the EU in Dec 2024, I didn’t tell him and we randomly ran into each other. The kinetic chemistry was still there and we resumed dating. I even ditched my best friend of 20 years on NYE to take a flight from Germany to ring in the new year with him. However, in Jan 2025 he told me he wasn’t ready to be in relationship with me as he was still sorting through emotions and feelings of his ex and didn’t know if he could show up for me in the ways I needed. I left for nearly three weeks for some space and when I returned he told me he had thought about it at length and that he was ready to commit to me, entirely and exclusively. It was difficult for me at first, I really struggled. He is currently looking for a new job and would make comments that he would have to travel to the city his ex now lives for a job interview, even though no companies in that town had offered him an interview yet. “It was just a possibility”. He would tell small lies by omission that I would catch him in, like texting me about what he did that day while he was at a party and make no mention of it. Because of my past, which he knew about entirely, I was very open with him when an ex would randomly contact me. He always asked why I would do that and I would respond that I didn’t want anything to “come out in the wash”.
Come March, he was planning a trip to Ireland and invited me to join him. I have never traveled with a partner before and this was a really BIG deal for me. I wasn’t feeling too good about where I stood with him and I went back and forth about whether I should go or not. Michael had left me (again) for three weeks over a piece of perspective I shared that he didn’t like. We stayed in contact and I still very badly wanted us to work out. I focused a lot of my issues and healing my attachments to him. He continually told me how much I meant to him, how much he cared for me, that we were partners and our relationship was so important to him and so was the trip. We had even said we loved each other. I decided to stop standing in my own way, trust him, and to go to Ireland. It was us reconnecting after his most recent time leaving. Within one hour of his arrival to the hotel, I got there before him, his phone rang and it was his ex. He brushed it off like it was no big deal, even though it seemed too casual for her to be calling him. I instantly wanted to runaway and leave the trip but he convinced me to stay. He told me that they have phone calls here and there, text messages, share jokes, etc from time-to-time. But I told him that feels pretty disrespectful to me, especially since she didn’t know we were exclusive, didn’t even know about me at all, and she was actively trying to get back together with him. I had no idea they had been in contact the entire time I knew him. She had reached back out to him one day before our first kiss. Sometimes I feel like I was an experiment to see how over her he is.
He told me that he would send her a simple and straightforward 2-3 sentences that they needed to go back to no contact as he doesn’t want to reconnect with her on that level and it’s unfair to me, and to her, to lead her on. Days passed and he made no effort to do this. It was really hurting me and I started behaving pretty poorly, picking fights, and upsetting us both. He eventually sent her a text asking for them to connect by phone, an evolution from a quick message, so he could clearly and concisely tell her he has moved on. 5 days passed with him making no further effort to close the loop and I finally was pushed to my breaking point. I felt deeply disrespected, not prioritized, I was having horrible dreams and my GI was a total wreck. I started another fight and threatened to leave the trip, but he actually left me. I was hurt and said what I said from a place of pain, but he did leave me in a random city with all of my stuff and I had to make my way back to Dublin on my own, by train, with still 3 days of the trip left.
So I guess I am just looking for some advice, maybe perspective, on if I was truly the problem here and blew his continued relationship with his ex out of the water and let my past trauma trigger me in this scenario. There’s of course a lot more context about our relationship but it’s hard to narrow it down here. It’s very hard for me to let go because I’ve never had a connection like I have with him and if there’s something I need to acknowledge to grow, I want to.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: For some back story: My (32F) and my boyfriend (39M), Michael, have been dating on and off since June 2024. We are both expats from the States living in Europe. We had instant chemistry from the first time we hung out and everyone in our vicinity would comment on it. There was potency to our connection that was quite overwhelming at times. We dated the rest of the summer until I was forced to leave the EU as my visa was not finalized, it meant 90 days in a LDR. Things had moved pretty fast for us but I always had a small concern in the back of my mind.
My previous relationship ended as my ex cheated on me with his own ex partner so I have a little trauma from people not being over their exes. The first time I met Michael was in a group setting and I overheard him make a comment about him having moved to our town to continue healing from a previous heartbreak. He wouldn’t ever talk about his ex other than reminding me how “intense” the relationship was and sharing oddly specific details about their intimate life (at all of the wrong times mind you). He also shared with me how deeply he was hurting over their relationship by playing a personal cover he recorded of Wicked Games, which hurt me to be subjected to.
Back to the story, the LDR really wasn’t something that aligns with my desires of a relationship and admittedly I ended the relationship in a very unfortunate and poor way. I was not super mature about it because I was scared and he wasn’t acknowledging my feelings/concerns at the time.
When I returned to the EU in Dec 2024, I didn’t tell him and we randomly ran into each other. The kinetic chemistry was still there and we resumed dating. I even ditched my best friend of 20 years on NYE to take a flight from Germany to ring in the new year with him. However, in Jan 2025 he told me he wasn’t ready to be in relationship with me as he was still sorting through emotions and feelings of his ex and didn’t know if he could show up for me in the ways I needed. I left for nearly three weeks for some space and when I returned he told me he had thought about it at length and that he was ready to commit to me, entirely and exclusively. It was difficult for me at first, I really struggled. He is currently looking for a new job and would make comments that he would have to travel to the city his ex now lives for a job interview, even though no companies in that town had offered him an interview yet. “It was just a possibility”. He would tell small lies by omission that I would catch him in, like texting me about what he did that day while he was at a party and make no mention of it. Because of my past, which he knew about entirely, I was very open with him when an ex would randomly contact me. He always asked why I would do that and I would respond that I didn’t want anything to “come out in the wash”.
Come March, he was planning a trip to Ireland and invited me to join him. I have never traveled with a partner before and this was a really BIG deal for me. I wasn’t feeling too good about where I stood with him and I went back and forth about whether I should go or not. Michael had left me (again) for three weeks over a piece of perspective I shared that he didn’t like. We stayed in contact and I still very badly wanted us to work out. I focused a lot of my issues and healing my attachments to him. He continually told me how much I meant to him, how much he cared for me, that we were partners and our relationship was so important to him and so was the trip. We had even said we loved each other. I decided to stop standing in my own way, trust him, and to go to Ireland. It was us reconnecting after his most recent time leaving. Within one hour of his arrival to the hotel, I got there before him, his phone rang and it was his ex. He brushed it off like it was no big deal, even though it seemed too casual for her to be calling him. I instantly wanted to runaway and leave the trip but he convinced me to stay. He told me that they have phone calls here and there, text messages, share jokes, etc from time-to-time. But I told him that feels pretty disrespectful to me, especially since she didn’t know we were exclusive, didn’t even know about me at all, and she was actively trying to get back together with him. I had no idea they had been in contact the entire time I knew him. She had reached back out to him one day before our first kiss. Sometimes I feel like I was an experiment to see how over her he is.
He told me that he would send her a simple and straightforward 2-3 sentences that they needed to go back to no contact as he doesn’t want to reconnect with her on that level and it’s unfair to me, and to her, to lead her on. Days passed and he made no effort to do this. It was really hurting me and I started behaving pretty poorly, picking fights, and upsetting us both. He eventually sent her a text asking for them to connect by phone, an evolution from a quick message, so he could clearly and concisely tell her he has moved on. 5 days passed with him making no further effort to close the loop and I finally was pushed to my breaking point. I felt deeply disrespected, not prioritized, I was having horrible dreams and my GI was a total wreck. I started another fight and threatened to leave the trip, but he actually left me. I was hurt and said what I said from a place of pain, but he did leave me in a random city with all of my stuff and I had to make my way back to Dublin on my own, by train, with still 3 days of the trip left.
So I guess I am just looking for some advice, maybe perspective, on if I was truly the problem here and blew his continued relationship with his ex out of the water and let my past trauma trigger me in this scenario. There’s of course a lot more context about our relationship but it’s hard to narrow it down here. It’s very hard for me to let go because I’ve never had a connection like I have with him and if there’s something I need to acknowledge to grow, I want to.
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Nope, you didn’t blow it out of proportion. This guy sucks. Get yourself home safely and block him on everything. He’ll see how easy it is to go no-contact with an ex when you do it to him.
You both sound like a problem, honestly.
This relationship is exhausting and should die. Move on and be alone until you’re happy on your own.
You’ve already been off and on which is a sign that the relationship doesn’t work.
The rest is a sign to heal from your past. Has nothing to do with this guy. When you’re healed you’ll be able to recognize and walk away from red flags.
Not blown out of proportion!! Girl, he is not it. He’s keeping you on the side incase things don’t go his way. But the only reason he is talking to his ex is because he is keeping his options open. If he had any genuine respect or love for you, he would have taken your feelings seriously and cut ties there and then with his ex, especially knowing what you’ve been through before in a past relationship.
You need to make the decision for both of you, and cut the relationship loose. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Whether it’s with you or his ex- he’s playing both sides. RUN
TLDR neither of you sound like you should be together. People like him make the connection feel like more than it is so they can suck more life out of you before they’re done.
All that drama in less than a year? Pass.
I didn’t finish reading this. You ignored every red flag, let someone trample over your boundaries. Move on.
Op stop chasing after this emotionally unavailable man
How many times do you need to be second to his ex?
How many more times do you need to cry and be frustrated?
He’s not the one so let him go.
This man is almost 40 and still tied up with his ex. If he truly wanted to be with you, you would know that and it wouldn’t be such a question mark. You guys are not meant for each other and you are ruining your memories of your time abroad by tying it up with thoughts of this dude. I totally get passion and feeling it with this person, but his actions and priorities are not aligned with yours and you’re going to become someone you don’t respect if you keep this up. Cold turkey, don’t speak to this dude again. He will flip flop you around forever (the same way he’s treating his ex) if you let him. Be done and move on.