ok, so yesterday was my birthday. I ( m49 ), get home late from work, about 6.10pm. I come in, make dinner, have a glass of wine and then after dinner I make myself a cup of tea and offer to make my gf ( 33f ) one, she says yes please. Rest of the evening goes nice however gf has trouble sleeping.
This morning she is angry at me because the cup of tea I made her kept her awake and I should have remembered this ( yes, I knew if she has tea late it will keep her up, but I forgot, its habit for me to offer anyone in the house a cup of tea if I’m making myself one ) and she only accepted it becuase it was my birthday and she thought I wanted her to drink a cup of tea with me as part of my birthday celebrations.
Am I the AH?
EDIT : Thanks for all the replies. I made dinner as I wanted to use up the left over lamb from sundays roast to make these Morroccan spiced lamb pita’s I like to make. I enjoy cooking so its not a chore. Thank you for the suggestion of decaf tea bags, I’ll get some of those.
Comments
Isn’t she old and mature enough to accept the consequence of her own decisions? You say that she accepted because she thought you wanted her to take it… she accepted knowing that she might not sleep, you didn’t force her.
Honestly dude, NTB. She gotta take some accountability. It’s not like tea’s a bday tradition or somethin’. She coulda just said no. Plus she knows how caffeine affects her. Coulda been more understanding imo considering it was ur bday n u just finished a long day at work too. Communication is key, ya know. Just my 2 cents.
NTA why can’t she remember for herself that Tea keeps her awake?
NTA. Just never take up crack. She will be very annoyed staying up for days on end.
lol is this even real?
Seriously? You did a nice gesture and for some reason, it’s on you to monitor someone else’s actions and feelings? You did not mess up, don’t take responsibility for someone’s inability to make the right call. Happy late birthday and don’t let this stress you, it’s not your responsibility to watch after someone who’s old enough to know better.
I’m having a hard time believing a grown man would be questioning this at all. Either this is fake or your gf has you so beaten down you have lost your judgement entirely.
You aren’t the asshole, but I can’t imagine that this is a big enough issue that she is truly “upset” with you. If she is, then you have bigger fish to fry than the issue at hand.
She’s being ridiculous. She is responsible for her own actions, not you.
NTA.
NTA. 1dt she should have made you dinner since it was your birthday, and since she’s ld enough yo know tea keeps her awake she should have declined and said I’ll share a glass of wine instead.
You come home, make yourself dinner, pour yourself a glass of wine, and that’s what you call “birthday celebrations”? And who are these “other people in the house” to whom you routinely offer tea?
Did your gf do anything at all for your birthday other than complain about the tea?
You offered a kindness, and her reaction is completely over the top. That’s a massive overreaction on her end, not your fault
Female here… You are not the a-hole… She is for not accepting responsibility for her own actions. Turning a nice gesture into blame would be problematic for me and would probably consider leaving, especially if it’s a pattern.
She seems very unreasonable.
You should probably be with someone your own age who takes responsibility for their actions.
She doesn’t seem to understand that concept yet, even at 33.
NTA
Yo 33yo old enough to know that if you drink 5 double expresso before sleep… sleep probably won’t happen lol.
Even if someone offered it lol
Buy decaf tea bags. If your store doesn’t sell them order online. Your gf is old enough to own her own mistake. You are not TA but she is. She could have just said no or asked for an alternative beverage. Her choice, her problem, her consequence.
One word… Chamomile!
NTA. Oh, for crying out loud! How old is she? 12? She knows and is responsible for herself. She sounds insufferable.
NTA. If she knows teas keeps her awake, she should have refused your offer. Don’t let her blame you for her poor decision. You were being polite.
She is 33 years old. She is responsible for what she drinks and when. Geez whiz she is a bit high strung.
She knows she can’t sleep when she has tea. That’s her problem not yours
NTA has she not learnt the word no yet? How hard is it to say “No thanks hun, it’s too close to bedtime and I won’t sleep but thanks for asking!”
ffs is she 12, you’re being blamed because she accepted and drank a cup of tea. Geez
NTA, just seems like one of those generational disconnects
Keep a box of Sleepy Time Tea in the cupboard and give her that next time
NTA! If she knows it keeps her up and is stupid enough to drink a cup before bed, shame on her for blaming you! Personal responsibility for her own actions. She didn’t have to drink it!!
Not even.
So in her world everything she says means “No”?
She can make her own decisions and accept the consequences. She owes you an apology. Freeze her out until she apologizes. If she never does, bullet dodged.
She’s a grown ass adult.
Is she 3 or 33? She’s just looking for a reason to be mad at you. NTA, but she is.
I literally had to go back and check on how old the gf is because she sounds like a petulant child. NTA
Thanks for all the replies, it was helpful to get an outside view.
She’s a grown woman and is capable of regulating herself. I’m astonished that this has caused such an issue that you need to turn to internet strangers for advice, especially as you’re pushing 50.
NTA. She grumpy 😡. Next time make her herbal chamomile
Is your gf usually like this? Is she someone who never takes responsibility for their mistakes? Does she always blame someone else for her problems?
Get a new gf.
She’s 33 years old and blaming you for offering her a cup of tea! Your gf is not being at all fair, thanks but not this late or do you have any decaf? Or just no thanks are perfectly normal responses. NTA
No, but gf is. Hint for future: but some herbal tea for her.
She sounds like she has a real problem with taking accountability for her own actions if she’s going to blame you for her own freely made choice, and over something so small and innocuous. I’d suggest you take a good hard look at whether she does this kind of blame shifting often. NTA
NTA – she sounds like a lunatic.
depends if she was aware that it was caffeinated
Your gf’s lying. She’s old enough to know she can’t drink tea at night & it was her responsibility.
But hey! Belated happy birthday! And why did I your gf cook for your birthday?
Grown adults. Both the AH. She should know that tea keeps her awake. And have you ever heard of CAFFEINE FREE tea? Sleepy time tea? They are real. Go buy some so your gf can have tea with you.
Seriously. Are you her boyfriend or her parent? She should be old enough to monitor her own adult-level choices and take responsibility for the consequences of her own actions. NTA.
If you didn’t offer her the tea at all she would’ve been upset with you. It’s a lose lose with someone that immature.
NTA she seems like a teenager.
i feel like she’s too old to be this immature and you’re too old to deal with an adult this immature.
This is absolutely ridiculous! Does your gf have the maturity level of a child?
NTA
She’s an adult and can say no. Her thinking you wanted her to drink one with you for your birthday actually makes it worse in my book because it means she’s now trying to use your birthday against you for her own decisions
She can decline drinking tea.
You could keep non-caffeinated tea (herbal tea, for example) on hand if you enjoy making & sharing an evening cup of tea.
You now know not to offer her any caffeinated beverages in the evening, even to be “polite”, so don’t do that anymore.
You and she should maybe investigate that weird dynamic where she assumed that she needed to accept as part of a birthday thing and that turning you down would have been problematic. I don’t know if that means she has an issue with making odd assumptions, or if you have a history of making things uncomfortable if people don’t pick up on your expectations.
NTA, but with some lingering questions.
From time to time I think it would be nice to have a partner
Then I read one of these stories and feel grateful I live alone.
All those stupid arguments, going around in circles for hours and never arriving anywhere.
You made your own dinner on your birthday? You call her to make sure she wakes up? Your partner sounds like an inconsiderate passive aggressive child.
One cup of tea keeps her awake??
So SHE forgot about how tea keeps her up and now it’s your fault.
Luv, are you certain she is mature enough to be your girlfriend? Because you made a proper, polite offer and it’s on her to calculate if it’s too late for proper tea, and if yes, she could use her big girl words to ask if you could make hers chamomile.
You offered on your birthday, no less. NTA.
Caffeine is a stimulant for about an hour but after that you crash. Anything else is in her head
YTA for holding your gf down and making her drink the tea.
Oh wait you didn’t?
NTA. She’s an adult and this is on her.
I get she’s younger than you but damn she’s acting like a child. She knew what would happen and should have reminded you or deal with the consequences herself. I also saw your comment that you’re her alarm clock? You are setting her up to become a spoiled brat (although it sounds like she already is) if you keep letting her walk all over you or continue catering to her like this… she should be an adult by now and able to handle her own responsibilities like knowing what she can and can’t eat/drink and also wake up on time for what I hope is a job unless your allowing her to be a stay at home girlfriend too…
That’s a weird thing for her to get pissy about. She’s an adult and can say no. If someone offered me something that would ruin my sleep I’d say no…
Do you have to remind her to do a lot of things normal adults have enough agency to decide for themselves?
NTA
She is presumably an adult, she can remember that tea keeps her awake and politely decline it.
Nah, you didn’t mess up. A simple “no, thank you” from her would’ve been the best decision. She can’t blame her mistakes on you, she’s a grown ass woman. Definitely NTA.
The question, “would you like a cup of tea?” is not a “here, drink this” order. She’s allowed to say no. She’s even allowed to ask what kind of tea it is, how much caffeine is in it, etc.
She’s a fully grown adult, and is in charge of what she puts in her body.
Happy Birthday, such as it is now.
Is your girl an adult? I know you stated her age, but she’s acting childish.
You made dinner and then made tea. It was your birthday and she didn’t even make a meal for you. What is the point of her?
NTA. She is. Maybe if she made you a cup of tea she would remember not to drink a cup herself.
NTA but you’re dating one.
Next time make chamomile
Any person afraid to offend by declining caffeine, deserves to have trouble sleeping.
She’s apparently not afraid to be offensive and blame someone else.
Oh jeez doesn’t she have bigger fish to fry than that? She’s blaming you for giving her a cup of tea because it was your birthday and SHE thought you wanted her to drink it as part of BD celebration?
DARVO
NTA
How about, No, it will keep me up, thanks for asking. Is that hard? Your girlfriend is a twit.
NTA at all – uh if something keeps you awake, don’t drink it. She’s a grown up and should act accordingly. Just my 2 cents
NTA. Your gf is being ridiculous. If she thought you wanted to sit companionably with her sipping a beverage, she could have said, “make mine a water/lemonade/caffeine-free soda” to your offer of tea🤷🏽. Does she often try to shift blame for her own choices onto others?
You sure you’re not dating some stroppy teenage kid? Sounds like one.
I never realized tea had enough caffeine to do that… Still, certainly old enough to sleep in the bed she made.
If she did it because it was your birthday, then she can’t be mad at you that she didn’t sleep well? Hopefully she’s just tired and cranky but that’s not reasonable to be resentful when she could simply have not drunk the tea