I (F) met a guy online who approached me with the intention of marriage. From the beginning I told him very clearly: “Do not talk to me for time pass, I am only here to get to know someone seriously for marriage.” According to him, he was not talking to me for time pass. He even said he could send a proposal but at least I should listen to him first.
We live in different countries and have not met yet, but he was planning to come to my country. He said he is serious, has plans for marriage, and is ready to put in effort.
On the very first day we spoke over the phone, he insisted that we get into a relationship. I said yes because I thought it would help us get to know each other better for marriage. But during that same call, he told me a very private detail about himself that I did not expect to hear so soon.
From around the fourth day of talking, his conversations became heavily sexual. He often got into intimate topics over text and over phone calls. He would tell me in detail how he would do the deed with me, saying it is because he is a romantic person. He also asked me to “calm him down” when he was horny, and even when I tried to keep conversations normal, they would somehow end up sexual. His normal talk was minimal, and most chats revolved around sex.
I have told him many times that I am talking to get to know him for marriage only, not for a casual relationship, and that I am not comfortable with sexual conversations before marriage. He says he understands, but his behavior does not change. His excuse is, “I just cannot control it when it is you,” or “This is normal between couples.” When I said we can talk about such things after marriage, he replied, “No, after that it will be all practical stuff only.”
He describes himself as a “wild romantic” and then explains it in very sexual terms. Once, I was telling him about a serious problem in my life, and he stayed in that sexual mood for two hours, talking about what he would do with me physically. Another time, he had an accident and was stressed about legal charges, yet told me, “I am tense and hot, so if you cannot calm me, just go for now.”
It has been just a month of talking, and I have started avoiding him because I feel he is far more into physical intimacy than emotional connection. For me, physical intimacy only comes after emotional safety. When I raised this, he said that when he talks to me normally I am nice, but when he talks “romantic” I become cold. I do want a loving, romantic husband, but this was not what I expected.
Because of my past experiences, I was clear from the start that I am looking for marriage, not just a relationship, and that I want to get to know each other on a deeper level first. Despite telling him all of this, nothing really changed. I got frustrated and blocked him.
Now I am wondering was this a small thing that happens when someone has a high libido? I am conflicted because he is not a “bad” person and seemed genuinely interested in marriage, but his focus was so sexual that it made me uncomfortable and even disgusted at times.
Comments
You didn’t overreact, you set a clear boundary, he ignored it, and that’s enough. Marriage is about respect and emotional connection first, and if he couldn’t honor your comfort now, there’s no reason to believe he would later. A high libido isn’t an excuse to disregard your values. You protected yourself, and that’s the right call.
I have no advice because I am completely unfamiliar with this type of courtship / marriage tradition. I do not understand what the process should look like, so I can’t comment on whether your experience is normal or abnormal.
I think that part that is farthest from my personal experience is the idea of meeting a person solely for the goal of marriage. There is so much possibility that is excluded – finding someone you like and can easily talk with, meeting someone who is interesting and in your same career, making a new friend, coming to the aid of a friend when they are having a hard time, and even just finding someone that you love and might be able to make permanent relationship – but you are not yet sure.
Your approach turns meeting someone into a single yes/no choice – will I marry them? All I can say is that you have certainly chosen a difficult road.
you don’t need to talk to people who make you uncomfortable
NTA at all – this guy showed you exactly who he is and how he’ll treat your boundaries in marriage. The fact that he couldn’t respect your clearly stated limits during the *getting to know you* phase is a huge red flag. Like, if he can’t control himself now when he’s supposed to be on his best behavior, what do you think marriage would look like? You dodged a bullet tbh, don’t second guess yourself on this one.