I (M25) have been with my girlfriend (F27) for just over a year. It’s been an amazing relationship – there has been understanding, kindness, compassion, mutual respect, everything – we’ve both expressed how happy we are. We’re in the same demanding field, I’m still in school and she’s just starting her training in a few weeks. She’s currently in another country with her family celebrating her being done with school. I just finished a big exam for school, and had a conference to attend immediately after for a project that got accepted for a presentation. My close friend in school, call her M, was also on the project that got accepted. We’ve been friends for all of school, in the same core friend group. The conference was in an exotic location, and she’s a party girl, so of course she wanted to go as well. She and I are the most platonic people – in fact the majority of the vacation she was crying about her current boyfriend whom she loves deeply and I was giving her advice.
During the trip, I called her at dinner because she had just woken up (vacation has a 12 hr time difference) and I was just really excited to talk to her. She told me to call her back, and I admittedly just blanked on it and forgot to call her back. This has happened before, I’ve gotten better about it but it was dumb. She texts me a few hours later asking if I was going to call her back. She denies my call, then says we shouldn’t call for a few days. We can text but no calling which immediately makes me feel terrible.
Just get back today and my girlfriend tells me that the fact I went on this trip with my friend made her wildly jealous and uncomfortable, and that it made her feel terrible during this entire process. She said in the past she felt that I may have had feelings for my friend but I can guarantee that it’s unsubstantiated and it’s something my gf has never expressed to me. I have and would never, ever do anything like that.
On one hand, I feel probably the worst I’ve felt in a while – of course this would make her feel uncomfortable, I absolutely should have realized this was a stupid idea.
On the other hand, this from my gf is out of the blue from her in terms of what we’ve discussed. She’s known for months that this was then plan, but hadn’t expressed those feelings. If she had told me I would very likely have asked my friend to stay home. I would absolutely have understood how she was feeling.
Did I completely screw up? I feel horrible for making my gf feel like this, I should have realized and not even gone to this conference with my friend. On the other hand, I feel like my gf doesn’t trust me – that doesn’t make me feel good, and I also feel blindsided by this whole situation. What should I do? We called and when I asked if we would be ok, she said we would be, but I still feel a pit in my stomach.
TL;DR: gf upset that I went to a conference for a project with my female friend who was also on the project, didn’t tell me she was upset until after we get back from the location. Conflicted on how to feel, need to know if I’ve completely screwed up and what to do
Comments
I feel like your gf has screwed up. Are you sure she’s an adult because she’s not talking about her feelings. Could you maybe have done better yes but she is holding things back and then punishing you for them. The no calls/only texting is nothing but manipulation.
Why didn’t she call you back? Was this another test? She’s allowed to do her thing but the minute you’re doing something fun, that’s not allowed.
And while going on a trip with a girl isn’t ideal, she’s friends with both of you. Do you want to be with someone who’s going to play games and manipulate you for who knows how long?
On the one hand, an academic conference is work so attending with a person who also worked with you on the project isn’t anything to be upset about. On the other, it sounds like your girlfriend was concerned, for whatever reason, and when you didn’t call her back it triggered those feelings. My guess is that she didn’t communicate with you beforehand because maybe it would upset you or maybe she even thought her feelings weren’t valid.
I would sit down and have a serious conversation about why your girlfriend is feeling the way she is. Maybe she’s picking up on something you’re not. It would also give you an opportunity to set some ground rules concerning communication, especially when you’re apart, and friendships with the opposite sex. This way these kinds of conflicts can be avoided in the future.