Recently I had a minor breakdown to my husband about feeling like a disappointment to my dad. I’m 30 and don’t have a full time job, I did but it went out of business. I’ve been struggling since. I feel like I can’t really talk about it with my dad because it would be admitting I failed and wasted all the potential I had. He wanted me to go to college where he works but I turned him down because I had no friendships there, it’s a very small town, and his branch specialized in something I didn’t want to do. I was going to stay in the state my mom lived in, where my boyfriend was, and go to college there.
My mom made it extremely difficult for me to start school and then kicked me out. I moved in with my boyfriends family and started working, and since I didn’t really know what I wanted to major in anyway I decided starting in the workforce was better for me. I told my dad the situation but I didn’t ask for help or anything. When my mom dumped my dog on me it didn’t even occur to me to see if my dad would take him even though we got the dog together, and when I mentioned to him I’d been having trouble rehoming him he immediately got me plane tickets to bring the dog to him.
For a little more backstory, my parents separated when I was 12 because my dad got a job in another state and mom didn’t want to move. They had been basically separated but living together for cost reasons before that. They didn’t get divorced because my mom threatened to disappear with me if my dad didn’t keep her on his insurance. After that I would go stay with him like a month in the summer and then a couple months around a holiday every year.
My mom was abusive, and it got worse when my dad wasn’t living with us anymore because he wasn’t around to divert her. He did a very good job of it when we lived together though, I have multiple memories of him standing up for me. He asked me constantly if I wanted him to divorce her and go for full custody and I kept saying no because I was too enmeshed.
I have always thought my dad was a good parent. When I was telling my husband I felt like a disappointment as a daughter he said my dad was the disappointment for not being there for me and revealed that my late MiL(who I respect and love dearly) always disliked my dad because he never offered to help after I got kicked out. I feel like that’s unfair because I was over 18, and I chose to not move to his state. He kept me on his insurance and paid for my phone and I’ve always thought that was more than enough.
But we also don’t talk much, and didn’t during that time either. My husband isn’t wrong when he points out that we only talk during holidays and it’s only ever my dad talking about himself. During the time after my mom kicked me put I didn’t really talk with my dad about my problems and he didn’t ask. I was in such a bad state back then that when I took my dog up to him I had a suicide attempt, which my boyfriend(now husband) talked me down from over the phone from another state, and my dad never knew.
I thought all of this was my fault for not talking to him more and not working harder to foster a relationship with him, but should my dad have done more? I thought he did more than enough. What would you have done?
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It sounds like your dad would do anything for you if you asked. I think you need to open up to him a little. You might be surprised at what grows from that.
You need to focus on yourself and your husband.
Get some therapy and start taking some classes.
He was the adult; you were the child. Both of your genetic sources (they weren’t parents, based in this account) abused you, just in different ways.
You aren’t a failure.
I don’t know. If he bought plane tickets for you to come see him he probably wishes he could see you more. He didn’t buy them for a dog, I can’t prove that but I’d put money on it. He might feel like he’s intruding on your life if he says something. But he did do something to show you he cares. I say call him. Don’t listen to Mother-in-law’s or equivalents when the bitch about your family. They’ll do the same to you eventually. I can’t prove that either but it’s another bet that I’d gladly take.