I’m going to be 61 in June and, like many people my age, have gone through a world of challenges. Skip to eight years ago – my dad died suddenly and a year later, my sister committed suicide. In my grief process, I was diagnosed with PTSD from these experiences built on a childhood rife with abuse and family addiction. That being said, I’m grateful for my life and the love in it, and have worked hard to move forward in a productive and life-affirming way. But sometimes, I emotionally stumble. Recently, my stepdad told me that at my age I should “get over it.” I have given myself such a hard time for struggling, so his comment felt humiliating. He wasn’t around when I was a child so he has no idea what I went through – and when abuse has been inferred, he’s also said “get over it.”
At your age, Ask Old People-ers, have you “gotten over it?” How have you dealt with your traumas and losses?
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No. And it sounds like he has no business commenting on your life experiences. So…. Why are you paying attention to this jerk?
I’m gonna make a declaration that of the friends and relatives you’ve got, all of the others view you as a positive strong woman.
Lean in on that!
sorry, but **no one else** gets to tell you how or how long to process your grief. period. he’s an a$$hole, imho.
grief is like an onion…many layers that come up at different times over your life. if you are wallowing in your grief to the point you can’t function on a day-to-day level, then you need professional help to work thru it.
in any case, some things will never be worked out in this life…we aren’t machines that can be turned on or off with our feelings, etc.
you do you…and ignore the a-holes.
You never “get over it”. It becomes part of your fiber. But…you either struggle all life long, or make peace with it. Edit: I’m 69, experienced 9/11 very up close, and was raised in a house full of trauma and love simultaneously.
Ooh, makes my blood boil.
Look, I’m a volunteer grief facilitator, which doesn’t mean much except I’ve read a lot of books and heard a lot of stories. “Get over it” is only a useful phrase in that you can be sure the person’s mouth it’s coming from is an unrepentant asshole.
Do not ever discuss your feelings with that man again, he’s dangerous.
You do learn to live with it, you learn to manage it, you learn new perspectives to think about it. You also hopefully continue to learn skills for dealing with your specific trauma responses and you accept and understand that these things are always going to pop back up until you die and that’s okay and normal and the important part is not giving up on creating as much peace for yourself as you can.
Trauma is a permanent injury to your nervous system, no you do not “get over it”. I’m so sorry someone in your life thinks they get to treat you like that.
Childhood trauma and abuse is something you never “get over.” You never forget it. But once you are an adult, you can let it rule your life, or you can realize you are now the adult in the room and you do the most adult thing you can – you manage it. You seek help, you go through therapy, you learn to meditate, journal, confront your abuser, whatever works for you. What happened to you as a child you have no control over. How you deal with it as an adult you can control. It never, ever goes away. But you can heal.
Sometimes, the pain of something is just always present. I lost someone very close to me in 2020. I will never “get over it”
But I will, and did, come to terms with it.
I don’t agree with your stepfathers delivery of this message, and I find it quite rude, to be honest. I am hoping he just has poor communication and what he means is. I hope you can find some closure and peace with what’s happened.
Do you have someone who is helping you navigate through this grief ?
There are lots of things I never got over, and I suspect I never will. Your step-father can go pound sand.
No one has the right to tell another when it is time to “get over” ANYTHING. Sorry but what a stupid thing for your stepdad to say. I have trauma that I have made great progress with. But I can’t imagine ever “getting over” it, since in my opinion that means it didn’t happen. Everything that has happened in my life… and yours…. has shaped us into the people we are today. And though no one would ever want to have hardships and traumatic events and relationships, it’s a big part of life for the great majority.
I’m not going to “get over it”. But despite that, I strive to live a life where I attain more and more peace about it. Where I know in my heart it was not my fault, and the players involved were probably doing the best they knew how, at the time. Gives me the freedom to keep walking forward.
I didn’t get over it. Trauma does things to your brain that you have no control over.
Now in my 60s, I have found a good psychiatrist and a good trauma therapist. I did several sessions of EMDR around childhood trauma, and it made a world of difference. I also take medication that reduced my constant feeling of fight or flight. I stopped feeling terrified and unstable in my day-to-day life.
Going through that therapy let me see what had happened to me through adult eyes, and it became crystal clear that I want nothing to do with the people who made it happen nor those who stood by and did nothing.
The mental health world has come so far on understanding childhood trauma. I hope that you can find care if you choose to. But don’t let anybody tell you you should’ve gotten over it. They just don’t want to hold anyone accountable for what happened to you. ♥️
I’m glad you’ve asked this. I suffered some infidelity and was in a sort of numb state when I met my very best friend dog. She died suddenly and unexpectedly at 7 yrs old and during the pandemic so I couldn’t be with her. I know it’s “only” a dog but I’ve never recovered from that. I don’t have any emotions or beauty or trust or love in my life since. She was the very best of me and I miss her. I don’t think I will “get over it”. I’m 56. I do have 2 new dogs. I do “love” them, so I should take that out from above, but it’s a very different kind of love.
You can grieve, learn to deal with it to heal yourself as much as possible and forgive some of those hurts, BUT you never forget. Trauma doesn’t go away. It can sometimes be put in a box, but that box is always going to be there and the most random things can blow it open.
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad and sister and your history. My childhood was chaotic due to my abusive stepfather. I’ve learned to compartmentalize that, but having lost my stepmom, mother and dad in recent years has been full of grief, particularly since my mother’s death from ovarian cancer was traumatic. I see a counselor regularly and have learned to deal with these situations better. BUT, I’ll honestly never get over those losses.
get over it? no. learn to live with it? yes. learn to let it go enough to not have thoughts be constantly dwelling on it, yes. offer myself grace? yes. my mother still laments about how unfair her parents were with her sister and how mean to her the sister was….70 years ago. about how different people did her wrong decades ago-people who have been dead for years. I resolved not to let bad memories or hurtful events dominate my thoughts because of that. only you can decide what’s right for you. hopefully stepdad will be so lucky as to just ‘get over’ life’s hardest experiences. be kind to yourself.
What does he mean by get over it? Grief has nothing to do with age..at all! Life gets harder and harder as we age, but it doesn’t make it easier to deal with. Either way, I’m sorry for your losses. Suicide especially is difficult. It’s happened in my family also and it really feels so abnormal and especially traumatic. It wasn’t my sibling, but I did lose my youngest brother when I was young and it’s not something you ever ‘get over’. I wish you the best. My advice is concentrate on what you love about this world, your own hopes and dreams because Very Soon (this goes for all of us) our last day will be here and there will not be anymore tomorrow’s. So for that reason, despite all of the grief my recommendation to you is to live for as long as you can and as well as you can! Find joy in life, even when it’s crushingly hard. It helps the grief to have something good to focus on as well, so that’s a bonus. Try to have goals and you will feel a little better day by day. Live this life while you can is my advice because it’s hard and it’s also brief. That’s what all of the multiple losses in my own life have taught me. Live while you can, because soon there won’t be a tomorrow for us 🙏💙
I’m 64, and I’ve lost my entire family of origin. It’s been 17 years now. For me, it’s not so much “getting over it”. It’s more like, “getting through it; and getting used to it”.
Very sorry for your losses, OP.
I’m late sixties now, my dad died in 2009 and my sister died in 2011, I still think and talk about them often. It gets easier with time but you never “get over it”. Your stepdad is an unfeeling jerk.
Everybody’s recovery is different and I only feel that I’m completely recovered at the age of 53. I was working in a deficit the whole time.
You never get over it. But you do earn to live with and even to thrive despite the scars. One of the lessons you learn is to not allow yourself to show vulnerability to people who don’t or can’t understand.
You never “get over it”. Not emotional trauma and abuse. You may,if you are fortunate, learn how to cope with it, but you don’t just “get over it”
The trauma you have experienced and endured is no different than any wound and the visible scar it left behind. Others may not see that scar but it is there.
Do what is best for you.
You know that old cliche, “that which doesn’t break you makes you stronger”?
Sometimes that’s true
Other times, it bends you enough that things are always crooked thereafter.
And then, there’s those time, where you’re broken. Bawling out loud hot tears flowing shattered. And you don’t recover. You become a different, but not necessarily better, person. (not necessarily worse, either. Broken)
My son died 9 years ago and I will never get over it. 4 weeks after he passed a church member told me I didn’t have it so bad because I had a daughter and husband. A year after he passed another church member actually said she was shocked we were still grieving. She thought we’d have been over it a long time ago. People are jerks and thoughtlessly or deliberately cruel. You figure out how to move on carrying the grief. You have to move on because there’s no choice. I’m 71 and 2 years after my son passed I found a part time job teaching English to kids in China over the internet. It was a wonderful job I had until recently. It distracted me and gave me something to talk about. Now, I travel as much as I can. I’m not in great health but I’m going on great adventures alone. My husband is on dialysis and is content at home. It hurts when people don’t respect your grief, but some people are just plain nasty. Put this person on the fringes of your life.
It wasn’t until my mother died and I lost my job due to illness at 58 that I even had the time to think about it. I didn’t even start with it until then, so forget getting over it! Then I did a ton of journaling and therapy and alone time and a couple of years later I went through it and I’m so much better.
Just because he hasn’t dealt with his trauma is no reason not to deal with yours.
You don’t “Get over traumatic experiences”. You do build a life beyond the horrific and terrible that you can find solace in during future good times and bad. It’s such a brutal inhuman uncaring thing to say. Hugs!
Assuming your stepdad is older than you, consider holding space that he went through stuff so bad he can’t begin to deal with it.
My getting over it doesn’t really take into account randos – if I’m doing the math you got a step dad when you were well into middle age?
I’m sorry for your losses.
I’m 60 and have a high score on the Adverse Childhood Experience test. My therapist told me that people are often in their 50s before they are truly ready to deal with stuff like this, so your stepfather’s “get over it” advice is more about his lack of empathy than the reality of your situation.
FWIW, I found that some short-term PSTD therapy worked better for me than years of cognitive behavioral therapy.
I’m not much older than you. My second youngest brother suicided when he was 26. Mostly, I think I’m over it but grief sucker punches you. We get diagnosed with PTSD because trauma sucker punches us unexpectedly, even when life is ticking along beautifully
You can’t get over if. Some of the traumas manifest into real physical problems.
I didn’t realize the trauma I’ve had from sexual abuse. It created a wall between me and my stepson I was trying to adopt (I did) this little boy wanted nothing but hugs and kisses and my body would just clam up and I wouldnt couldnt return the love physically.
It’s gotten better with time and he’s learned to not pounce me or corner me in a room.
Literally he would make me have flash backs of forgotten memories by the innocent act of grabbing me under my arm as we walk in the street.
my brain can try to get over it… hell to protect me my brain filed it in a locked drawer. So now my body has a reaction to something my brain tried to make me forget.
It’s awful. And I’m the friendly happiest person. But inside my head. I’m in a perpectual scream like the painting
I like your phrase “I emotionally stumble.” I do too, and so does everyone else. Your stepfather is wrong. He probably said that because of the way he grew up. Please don’t take it to heart.
Several years of really good trauma therapy and hard work in and out of therapy changed my life.
My dad passed away in 2001 and I’ll never be “over it”. My 8 year old nephew passed away in 2005 and I’ll never get over it. My gram, who was my best friend passed in 2015 and I’ll never get over it. My mom passes in 2019 and, once again, I’ll never get over it. My life hasn’t stagnated while I wallow in grief but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss them all each and every day. Your step father doesn’t sound much like a parental figure. He sounds like a petulant child. You’re allowed to feel all the feels without explaining yourself to anyone. Grief isn’t on a calendar. It doesn’t have an expiration date.
My way of handling it is to compartmentalize. I allow myself to miss them without apology but still continue to keep living as all of them would have wanted me too. I try to stay in the present most of the time but certain events bring them back, front and central. Watching my granddaughter grow makes me think how much they all would have loved her. Every time one of my kids does something amazing, I think of how proud they would have been. It’s a bittersweet feeling being so happy about my granddaughter while being sad that they never met her.
I’m 65 and only now am able to process the nightmare I’ve been through. You don’t get over it.
Similar age. I was never abused as a youngster, but have been through some shit. I try to take each day as it comes without expectations. I hope you can do well going forward!!!!
No. He is wrong. I’m your age and I will have a therapist for the rest of my life.
My husband committed suicide 5 months ago he was 67 also suffered from PTST this was his third episode in 15 years as he was a first responder- a few old friends and his dad have said that to him – he basically just stopped talking to them – they have no idea and many of their generation developed PTSD because of that attitude or are self medicating with other things like alcohol / abuse and drugs legal or not – it is a mental illness from Trauma and is so challenging mentally and physically- my husband was in physical pain as well from this horrible illness – so i suggest you tell your stepfather to F OFF when he talks like that – it is such an asshole thing to say and not true – so do not listen – you are valued and will get better at dealing with it as most of us do but i will never get over my husbands death –
The only way I know to recover from painful losses is to learn something from the experiences. That takes the time it takes.
I can’t imagine how you just wake up one day and “get over it.” Your stepdad is just trying to silence you. Don’t let him do it but also, don’t let this crude man into your private life either. He cares nothing for you. If he did he would offer to pay for counseling sessions to help you with this.
My younger brother, me female position 2, him 1st love of my life boy position 4, took his own life 12 years ago at age 48. It was not unexpected, but we will never be the same. At the time, it seemed academic. None of us really believed he would do it.
Not my child? Possibly, just because I was only 4 when he was born, and he’s my brother. That doesn’t mean I didn’t raise him. In fact, my mother tried to give him to me when I was a teenager, when his behavior got inconvenient for her, but I told dad. Of course, he took him because he may have been horrible when he drank, but that immediately stopped when he quit drinking, and by then, dad had left mom for a younger woman who made him quit. I think I was so relieved to have a father again. I was willing to forgive about everything. That’s because my mother was a total narcissist, and I was the scapegoat.
Whoever said childhood trauma stays with you forever was absolutely correct. It just becomes our responsibility to deal with it to the very best of our abilities as adults. My older sister ❤️ believes the 3 younger of us should get over it. It’s easy to spin her stories of mostly happy childhoods with the occasional minor skirmish. The golden child living on the hill with her wealthy husband and extraordinary children, all of whom I adore. What she doesn’t get, in her happy version of life, is that as alcoholism is a progressive disease, it makes sense that the little boys saw more than that bigger girl. And me? I was just sitting on a fence, trying to either bail or make some sense.
So we all carry our trauma around with us. Some like me use it, mostly I hope, as a way of understanding ourselves and the other people in the world around us. Some, like my brother, are just too deeply depressed and too mired in their own concepts of their own lives in the world around them to even consider going any further. If only I had understood even a tiny little piece of this 12 years ago when he needed someone who loved him to understand him, maybe together we could have saved him. I don’t know. Maybe that’s my ego speaking. I’m not a Healthcare or treatment or any other kind of provider. What makes me think I could have fixed him?
Edit to address the elephant in the room, the stepfather
My sister told me this once. She’s 6 years older and missed a heckovalot of major negative events that happened in my family – tho I’m sure she had a lot of trauma because thing got worse but were already bad. A few years ago I was talking to her about something, I wasn’t whining or complaining, just talking and she snapped at me to “get over it”.
The best thing I’ve read on Reddit is the person who posted above saying the only thing that phrase tells you definativly is the person saying it is an AH. I’ve thought about it for years, wondering if she is right and something is wrong with me. It’s kinda comforting to read all these comments and realize I’m not the one with issues.
As far as surviving childhood abuse/neglect: You don’t really “get over it”. You live with it and sometimes it catches you when you’re doing the dishes, or you think about how your own children will never know that kind of hell. The feelings can change over time (lessen), but if you don’t go to counseling or REALLY process things you will continually fall low and mentally regress unfortunately. People who deny it ever happened seem to have the worst coping mechanisms and often repeat the cycle. Traumas we experience as adults are easier usually, because we have a framework of how to survive established.
The BIGGEST obstacle to healing is when we hold schemas of hopelessness. When we feel stuck or morbid about our life trajectory is when we are at risk for self-harm and similar behaviors.
Seek counseling/therapy. If someone tells you to get over it: tell them to fk off, it wasn’t their childhood to survive. Also, don’t trust someone who is dismissive of other’s deep pain.
If you never use your childhood as an excuse for shitty decisions made in adulthood you have nothing to be ashamed of.
I’m so sorry for your losses. I’m also a bereaved sibling by the way. I never got over it but the grief became more manageable. My sibling grief support group helped enormously.
My life history and age are almost identical to yours and yes, I did “get over it” but not like you might think. I jumped on the spiritual journey train and found it to be the only perfect answer to the emotional pain that ails most of us.
It wasn’t easy, required a deep dive into my life and a tremendous amount of shadow work but 3 years after beginning, I am able to handle anything that comes at me with grace and compassion, not only for the antagonist but for myself.
I recommend reading books on spiritual awakening/awareness.
I’m around your age, and I lost my dad over 30 years ago. It still hurts sometimes. sometimes, quite a bit.
I think these enormous losses, even under the best of circumstances, even if you work through them as much as you need to, can leave an emotional scar. I have old physical wounds with scars. These emotional/spiritual wounds aren’t that much different. A scar that formed 30 years ago, hurts less than it used to, most days. Other days, it can be all about the grieving. Everyone works through it at their own pace.
I hope you feel better. I hope you give yourself the space to grieve, and grow.
The hell with your stepfather. Depression and anxiety don’t lesson with age. In my case it’s got worse.
It sounds like you’ve made efforts to move forward in productive ways. As long as you haven’t given up on life and instead chosen to spend what’s left of it acting out or lying in a dark room waiting for the end, it sounds like your stepfather is out of line. And even if you are acting out or spending your days lying in a dark room hoping to die, there are more constructive ways for him to help.
There is such a thing as Prolonged Grief Disorder (look it up if you don’t believe me), but if your feelings aren’t interfering with daily life functions, ignore that jerk. While I disagree that “all forms of coping are valid,” since if my way of coping with my husband’s death had been to kill his oncologist, I think people would’ve said I had crossed a line. But if you’re a functioning member of society, let the ranters rant and go get a pizza. Or get Chinese takeout and watch a YouTube walking tour of the Great Wall of China. Whatever floats your boat, as we used to say!
Too many traumatic events to get over them for myself personally. I’ve done some short term therapy that helped with one issue. I accept the rest and understand why I can’t stand most people. I do my own thing and don’t ruminate as much as I used to. I’ve thought of making a dr app but I really don’t want to be on any medications as I’m sensitive to drugs. So….no I will never get over it.
You can’t just get over it. Maybe it would help you to see a counselor or a therapist? They can help you learn how to cope with life changes and make adjustments in the way you think so you will feel better. It’s hard work. You can do hard work. And you already know that hard work pays off in positive ways. 🩷
Time can heal grief and sometimes it can heal trauma. But grief and trauma can’t be just wished away.
Ask your stepdad why he said what he did. If he tells you that your behavior and attitude has changed for the worse, ask other people if they have observed something similar. If it resonates with others, then you might need to work with a (different?) grief counselor. If it doesn’t resonate with anyone, then the issue is with him and how he handles grief.
You never get over it, you learn to live with it.
I “got over it” when my psychiatrist gave me MDMA to treat PTSD. It absolutely worked and I highly recommend it.
the inner turmoil is breathtaking
You NEVER ‘get’ over it.
My 52 year old friend started PTST childhood trauma therapy. It has been 2 years of emotional work, but I am AMAZED by how far she has come. Still a long road, and she does group sessions now. She does not feel alone anymore. She did recognize the her childhood was horrific, she just shut it all away and assumed she was normal.
Never too late to go thru therapy so YOU can know YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!
i accidentally mash down on somebody’s instep if they say get over it. break a few toes. i then feel so much better if only for a little while
My husband said that to me about a week after my mom died. A year later im telling him to get over it and sign the divorce papers
Please forgive me for asking this stupid question but: You’re not allowing your mother to be your therapist, are You?? I’m going to proceed assuming that “couldn’t be” the case.
I’ve experienced most of the trauma described on this thread, though thankfully not to the extent that some have described. Sorry for your losses and injuries.
I’m not a forgiver, I’m a “forgetter.” I believe we can “pretty much” put things behind us but only if we have fully processed the feelings resulting from them. Petunia, you mentioned that you’ve felt close to breaking through to your feelings, but question whether you were resisting. I’d like to mention two little tricks I learned to help a person reach their goal.
One is daily meditation. It can systematically “evaporate off” the surface energy surrounding the target stressor that makes it feel so horrifically dangerous to disturb, I’ve been doing Natural Stress Relief/USA daily for 47 years.
The other trick is a group therapy marathon where a regular session goes over a weekend (in a hotel suite of adjoining rooms) until the fatigue erodes our defenses and allows us to break through. Very beautiful to be a part of.
I (84m) wish you the best.
No, and he can go kick rocks.
Nope. Will not forgive and will definitely not forget. No contact.
I used The Work from Byron Katie. You can see some of it on you tube and it is on thework dot com also. It helped me separate emotions from the things that happened to me
You dont get over it, you find a place to put it in your life and continue to live. but we all do that in Our Own Time
I’m 61. I live in the moment. I’ve never understood the people who dwell on the ‘shoulda, coulda, woulda’ shit. It’s called life. Get over it. My sister was killed 16 years ago by a hit and run driver. My mom spent the last 8 years of her life dwelling on it. 8 people are alive today thanks to the fact my sister was an organ donor. Look at what’s going on in Gaza, Ukraine, Africa. In the big scheme of things count your blessings.
I was 45 years old before I realized that I had told myself for so many years that I “got over” my challenging childhood. And applauded others that had seemingly done the same.
I had been lying to myself the entire time. Then like you, had a series of traumatic events come up and it all came crashing down. No, I never got over anything. I suppressed it. I’ve spent the years since allowing myself to process when things come up. I recognized lifelong patterns that I didn’t know existed. So much makes sense now. But yeah, you don’t simply get over things. They run your life like unconscious programming. Then when other traumas happen, it tends to bring the past forward so you’re dealing with it all and can feel incredibly overwhelming.
File this with things everyone should be taught but aren’t. People who aren’t taught how to allow themselves to fully process emotions from trauma pass that on to the next generation.
No one is exempt from trauma here on planet Earth.
My sister also committed suicide. It took me a long time to get used to her being gone. I don’t think you get over this type of thing, but you get used to it over time.
My daughter died 3 years ago this month. She was 29 and a newlywed when acute leukemia made its ugly appearance in her blood. She died 8 months later. She was my only child and a really wonderful person. I don’t think one can ever get used to a child’s death.
If a stepfather told me to get over it , I’d tell him if only it was him that died then that would be so much easier. And yes, I’m very quick with cutting remarks when people overstep my boundaries.
No. You don’t “get over it.” You learn to walk beside it. And this is your life journey, not his. No one gets to tell you what you should be feeling and how long you should be feeling it. You feel what you feel and you process it as you are able. It’s a part of your everyday life. He needs to, as an old friend used to put it, “Booger Off!”
First off, I just want to say I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through and that you aren’t getting support or empathy from those around you.
The suicide of a loved one is a very painful loss no matter what age it happens in your life – you will never get over it but you can find ways to accept the feelings you have, allow them, honor them and process them.
Grief is something that never really goes away because it’s all the love we have for someone but there’s no where for it to go. A lost and/or painful childhood is also a reason to grieve.
Sending you hugs on your journey – please be gentle with yourself.
I’m 56 and still battle ptsd and clinical depression from a childhood in foster care and from being removed from my family by CPS and from never seeing my father again after I was taken away at age 4 & 1/2. He took his life shortly after that.
I just spent the last 9 months on medical leave from work recovering from the tsunami of shit life threw at me from 2019 to 2024.
The last 2 months I spent in intensive trauma treatment, 4 hours a day, 4 days a week. It truly helped! Plus I got another dog in October 2024.
I’m finally getting to a good place of recovery and remission – it is so hard but we have to work at it. You will never get over it.
Also, when you have experienced trauma as a child it changes your brain and makes you even more sensitive to every (even small) traumatic event from then on.
I don’t think the goal is ever to “get over it“; everything that happens to you, including bad things helps to create the beautiful person that you are now. if you manage to survive horrible and traumatic experiences and keep your heart open, then that makes you an angel on earth. Fight the good fight keep yourself, humble, open, kind generous.. that’s the goal in if you achieve that then you are never gonna be the asshole
You don’t “get over it”, you learn to live with it. Your stepfather sounds like an emotionally stunted AH.
62f here. A life long effort to manage PTSD from a extremely significant series of events. Lots of therapy, meditation, art, music, hiking camping and good women friends and I managed. But finally, a couple years ago I got on a 10mgs of Lexipro. Holy mother of SSRI. I am no longer in a constant hum of fight or flight for the first time since I was a child.
I don’t know if this will help or not. I have been through some shit. Stuff from when I was young clear to the ripe old age of 61. I have/had issues for a long time regarding abuse/abandonment/suicide death, etc.
I did address it a few years ago when I really crashed out. I talked to someone about it, it did help. I see things now as a series of “DOORS”. Some doors I have closed completely and feel that I have dealt with them. I have a few doors that are still cracked open. Shut mostly, but still open. If I start thinking about those issues or start to get overwhelmed by then, I go back to being ok with those doors still not completely being closed.
I also decide WHEN I want to revisit those doors. It’s ok that they are not completely closed. But I try my best to not dwell on those issues that may never have the doors close completely.
Does that make sense?
Oof! And Ouch!
I had someone close to me respond the same way while we were having a “rare for us” deep talk about our family.
I shared that I was finally going to therapy for SA that happened when I was a child. They said, “I can’t believe you’re not over that yet.”
It was like being stabbed in the gut while having my heart ripped out. Especially because I was also abused by them.
Therapy, CBT tools and working the steps (I was in AA and Al-anon for a while) really helped me sort through my emotions. My counselor also helped me see what was safe to process and what was best to accept and let go.
I’m really sorry you went through that and I hope you know you deserve healing and peace at a pace that’s right for you. I’m holding you in my heart 🌻
Get over it??? He needs to go fuck himself…
I got through it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.
Yes I had severe trauma as a small child (drowned in a boating accident) and was raped by an adult as a small child (a catholic priest). So…no, I haven’t gotten over it.
Years of therapy, years of drugs, self medicating with alcohol and marijuana, finally finding Wellbutrin and getting myself some real treatment. I’m 63 and doing ok, just ok. I find music and yardwork to be helpful.
You should avoid this a$$ of an uncle. He is an emotional illiterate. Grief is a big bag of rocks we will carry around the rest of our lives, it doesn’t go away. But I think you do gradually learn to bear the weight with more clarity and grace. Take care.
Unless you have walked in my shoes…….
I’ve heard you grow around them.
Stop calling him a step “dad” – he is no father figure. He is your mother’s husband. I would need to know who was the perpetrator of your abuse to give a better answer about “getting over” things.
Don’t rent assholes.
I have learned to say to people, “That was hurtful,” and eventually, “You may be quiet now. I get what you said.”
It took a lot of time with a therapist to recover from some of my childhood trama. It was worth the pain to walk back through and really get to the other side.
It not an ok that happened, so what
I am sorry you were met with such an unkind response. Unfortunately, older folks were long ago taught not to express feelings, not to think or dwell on them, and to sweep all those messy and untidy things under the rug. They think it made them strong, but it only made them thoughtless, unkind, and lacking in compassion and empathy.
Grief is something we carry all our lives and there’s no getting “over it” only learning to accept and carry it. Unfortunately, the pain can hit at any moment without rhyme or reason and that’s perfectly normal.
Everyone grieves differently. There is no timeline.
I can forget/ignore childhood trauma sometimes for years. Then something triggers me and it all comes flooding back. I’m almost 70.
Childhood trauma imprints on your brain. If you’re not in counseling I highly recommend it. You’ll learn tools to help you cope.
Your step dad is an oaf! You never “get over” anything in life. It’s a part of your makeup once it happens. You learn how to live with things but like addiction, you are never really “over” it.
Next time he says that to you — tell him to go fuck himself.
Closure is one thing; acceptance another. You can move to forgiveness for YOU, but accepting that you did not deserve that shit is another one.
I think he says that as an emotional wall that he puts up because of his own inability to cope with his own pain. You’re making him feel what he doesn’t want to feel.
I’ve also been through a lot of trauma and grief, diagnosed with CPTSD and depression. Getting over it is not as simplistic as it sounds. I lived decades without any real mental health issues from a dysfunctional upbringing. Then my mother passed away. Less than a year later, my brother passed away. My marriage fell apart because my wife said I wasn’t fun anymore. She also felt I should “man up.” I spiraled down into a very dark place and found myself homeless, living in my truck with two small dogs that became my world. Taking care of and protecting them kept me alive. I have spent over a decade trying to get over it. It’s a very slow process for many people. Every day, I see people standing on street corners begging for money. I know they are just trying to get over it, too.
Do what you need to do, and if you can, just ignore your stepfather. He pushed his pain deep down so he could put on a brave front. When he says get over it, he’s not helping you. He is helping himself remain detached.
Get over it???? Those are fighting words. Anyone who says that deserves whatever response they get. Anyone who says that is insensitive and doesn’t deserve to have the luxury of being in your circle. That is not supportive at all.
First off, the most important thing you can do for yourself is to practice patience.
Because at your (our!) age, you know the difference of pleasing others as opposed to pleasing yourself. Fuck everyone’s opinion of anything.
Secondly, nobody, nobody at all, gets to say, ‘get over it’ about anything concerning you- no matter what!
I’m trying to realistically imagine what I’d say in response to that type of humiliating insult.
If I wasn’t bold enough to tell them to fuck off till next Tuesday, I’d tell them to get over their damned self, for sure.
Consider the source and go easy on yourself; you’ve been through enough at the hands of others.
There are somethings that stay with us.. no matter how hard we “try to get over things”
Place them in a box until we are stronger to be able to look at them again.
It never gets to be an easier burden to carry, but you do get stronger at carrying it. You will stumble and feel consumed by it at times, but other times you’ll be able to reflect that you are a badass who survived what could easily destroy others. You have to give yourself some grace.
Anyone that tells me to “get over it” will be told, “thanks for your completely insensitive comment. That was unkind and unhelpful, but it sure tells me a lot about you.” Then walk away.
His comment is about him, not you. They usually are!
I’ve gotten over a lot of trauma, but really just by going through it all in therapy and with a lot of reflection. My parents were not good at things I deserved them to be good at. They did not choose to be neglectful or hypercritical or mocking. They were not capable of being better. Did it suck? Yes. Did it give me tons of issues? Yes. Am I angry at them? No. Because bad people can’t be good people and me thinking they could have if they’d wanted to didn’t help or fix anything. They loved me. They just sucked at it.
I don’t know if you ever really get over anything. I think that you become more numb to the truly traumatic experiences and maybe accepting of just the really crappy stuff. Where you no longer let it affect your daily life, but it still bothers you inside when you think about it.
Therapy. Loads of it. Individual and a spiritual group. Spiritual does not mean religious. It’s about life energy. Together we are connected so the energy feels bigger and moves forward better.
There are some things that happen in life that you never “get over”. I’ll never get over my dad abandoning our family then dying before we could get closure, child abuse, my mom dying before she was 60, or losing half my siblings in their 50s and 60s.
I have learned to live around the grief and trauma. You will never “get over” some things, you can move past it, maybe with help. Grief has it’s own time line and the things that open the wounds are unpredictable. Just deal with it the best you can and take one day at a time. If it’s causing you difficulties in your day to day life, get help from a professional.
Nobody just gets over PTSD . It is a serious mental illness that requires treatment
Tell that stepdad to kiss your ass, and then tell him to get over it.