I’ve been trying to suss this out for awhile, in order to help myself navigate this difficulty I have with allowing myself to …………Reach my potential, Learn, do things I know I can do……….. without feeling terrified that it automatically implies I’m a pretentious deceptive, conniving mastermind , out to destroy the World……and if anyone finds out what I’m ‘Up to” …….I’ll be put before a tribunal and shot. Like self pride in a job well done is a crime punishable by death. Sounds like projection to me?
I’d come home with an award or some experience of being praised by a teacher, my mother would glare at me, walk away in silence, and not speak to me for sometimes days.
There’s this other piece thats probably part of this, but I don’t know how to tie it together. The way a Narcissist chooses a scapegoat to be there personal whipping post and pet. You’re assigned the label of disposable entity, valueless and worthless, whatever you “lose” your childhood, opportunities can’t really be a loss, since you’re nothing anyway. When they see you’re not advancing it’s like this justification for treating you like personal garbage. If they discover that the World doesnt hold that same view, they become enraged. Honestly it’s so fucked up. I literally feel so much pain, grief, anxiety, …..not when I fail,……but when I succeed. How many opportunities did I miss because i was too busy thinking I was only valuable as one thing, an objectified scapegoat for my Mothers personal gain. IME, when you realize you were lied to about who you are, you’re not really a worthless, moron, ……….you realize that your only value to them was to serve them, no matter what they told you ………….there was no love in that.
my mother was like a large toddler i had let win every game, otherwise she’d pout , be depressed, visibly angry, jealous, etc. but as child I was having to actively rob myself of all these learning opportunities, it was so destructive to my development.
Please, does anyone else struggle with this.. How have you learned to assert yourself ,without being consumed with guilt? Any thoughts or experiences would be welcome. Thanks.
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Yes.
Once, I created an art piece and then invited her to the program without telling her that the art piece shown would be mine because I wanted it to be a surprise.
When she arrived, I gave her a program and clearly pointed at my name. She said “oh, okay”. When we returned home, she asked “now whose lovely piece was that? What was the name of the artist again?” As soon as I said again that it was mine, she lost her composure. First, she tried to say that I hid the art from her because it wasn’t a Christian art piece and then she said that she must see all of my art pieces before leaving the house. She kept saying that I deceived her into even attending the program.
Yes. Every achievement was a personal attack to make her feel bad. Can’t imagine feeling that towards a child now that I’m an adult.
Sorry for what you went through. My egg donor accused me of scheming every time I had a relationship with someone. Or just talked to someone. But her reaction to awards or recognition from others was… Vicious?
I loved drawing, and she treated my love for art like a waste of time, with such hatred and rage, like I was summoning a circle of hell in my room. I never understood the anger, until i saw her giving me a fake compliment, that my drawing was good, but it would be better to not trace after someone else art. When I told her proudly that I did everything myself, without tracing or anything, I saw her… Collapse. I was twelve or thirteen,but I felt she wanted to hurt me and failed. She didn’t expect me to be proud. She wanted me down.
Your post makes me remember so much things… All these times I did something good at school and she made me pay for something else at the same time… Guess she was afraid the scapegoat would feel good and free to have a ‘life and love ..
All the time, in hindsight I realized I was a talented and resilient kid, not a POS fuckup. They would mostly physically punish me, berate me with all my “flaws” to tear me down, or downplay the accomplishment. I would be so embarrassed when they did this in front of other people. I felt awkard when peers would get jealous of my accomplishments and I would hype them up, purposely fail/jeopardize myself, or downplay my accomplishments to seem more humble, and I would be so confused and afraid when my peers would feel bad after or looked confused. I thought I was being kind!
One example I’m remembering is how I’m a great cook. One of my Ns was too, but she couldn’t stand it when people complimented my food. On multiple occasions someone complimented her on something I made. Her face would get twisted and sour and she would bark that I made it. Then we would all have to fawn over her and shower her woth compliments, the person who slipped up would apologize profusely and list off critiques of what I made, I would agree and list off everything i did “wrong”. Then later in the evening she would threaten to kill herself or say she was having a heart attack and refuse to go to the hospital so she could die at home.
The other, when I made anything decent, would just break it on “accident” and rub it in my face. I had to shower him with “it’s okay!”‘s and compliment his skills or he’d hit me and say it was becauseI was being crazy or he saw a demon in my eyes.
My family definitely did this.
I just ignored them and did whatever I wanted to anyway. Nothing else really worked for me.
I did find it amusing when they would mess up and show others their behavior, but it wasn’t like they learned anything from it or were willing to change.
I wish I had something I could tell you would work, but the only thing that really helped me was to completely ignore their behavior, go very low contact or no contact as soon as I could, and do whatever I wanted to do without consulting them or listening to their criticism. It isn’t easy, especially if you were trained from birth to defer to your parents’ irrational demands, but learning how to do this is a huge help.
I’m sorry. I do wish I had better advice. Hopefully someone will have some other ideas for you.
Yes, yes and yes!
It’s like they can’t stand the fact that you can excel at something without their permission or knowledge. My Nmon never used to acknowledge my accomplishments and awards (which I was trying so hard to win and get her approval at the time as a child). She in fact threw away all my certificates and awards in the trash without even telling me. They will never accept that you are better than them. According to my nmom, all my accomplishments are a result of her “sacrifices” and “hardwork”.
Once I realised this, I’ve started to do things only for myself. Every time I have a doubt about how it’ll make her feel, I stop myself and ask how would this make me feel? It if makes me happy, I will do it. Pulling yourself out from the years of conditioning by nparents takes practice and time.