My wife (28F) and I (31M) are currently going through a pretty stressful phase in life. We’ve been together for 4 years, married for 3. We have two kids together (2 years & 6 months old) and one child from a previous relationship who lives with us (7 years old). We’ve had a really exhausting couple of years filled with serious illnesses, moving houses, a difficult pregnancy, etc. And the baby rarely lets us sleep. To sum it up, life is incredibly hard right now and it’s taking a toll on us both as individuals and as a couple.
A few months ago, I started working on getting my driver’s license. It took a long time before I passed the theory test, got the bureaucracy done, and could start driving lessons. My dad offered to practice driving with me at a driving practice area, which I accepted. My dad and I have a complicated relationship—he’s not the type to give praise and is more likely to raise his voice quickly.
The day of the first drive with my dad came, and my wife told me it wouldn’t really help, since I’d be taking my lessons in a small automatic car and my dad drives an old manual VW T4 van. It was obvious she thought the whole thing was a waste of time.
The drive went really well—I managed to shift gears, drive, not stall the car, etc. My dad even filmed a short video of me, and I felt genuinely proud. For months, my life has mostly been my routine as a father, husband, and employee, and for the first time in a long while, I felt like I did something new and did it well. Even my dad was surprised and said how well it went. I came back visibly excited and showed my wife the video. Her reaction was to point out driving mistakes she thought I had made. That annoyed me, but I brushed it off.
Today, I went driving with my dad again. She again said she didn’t think it would help much, but if I wanted to do it, I should go ahead. It went even better than last time—we practiced parking, which is really tough in such a big vehicle—and I came back in unusually high spirits.
When I got home, I told her enthusiastically how it went and mentioned that I still struggled a bit with right-of-way rules since it’s a lot to handle at once—shifting, signaling, checking mirrors, etc. Her comment was that it was bad that I didn’t know the right-of-way rules, even though I had passed the theory exam. I do know the rules, but when you’re only driving for the second time, it’s just hard to do everything at once. I’ll be good at it in a few weeks—but not yet.
This time, I was genuinely hurt. I told her I thought it was mean that I was excited about doing something well, even my dad praised me, and her reaction was to criticize and point out what I could’ve done better. At first, she reacted rather snarkily and said, “Okay, then I just won’t criticize anything anymore. You did everything perfectly.” I said that wasn’t the point and that it didn’t make me feel any better—the damage was done. When she realized I was genuinely sad, I could see she felt sorry but didn’t really understand why it hurt me or what kind of reaction I had hoped for. She apologized again, but I feel like she truly doesn’t understand what I was hoping for or why.
We often have this issue—where I think it should be obvious what kind of supportive, socially appropriate reaction is expected, and she just doesn’t get it. Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy or asking for something completely unreasonable, when I believe I’m asking for a normal, socially understood reaction. I’d really love to get an idea how I can make her understand what I wanted from her and how her reaction felt mean and disappointing to me.
TL;DR
I’m disappointed by how my wife reacted when I told her excitedly how well my first/second driving practice went. How can I communicate that this hurt me?
Comments
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31 years old and just now getting a drivers license is really throwing my brain for a loop…
If you left me home for hours with a 7, 2, and 6 month old I wouldn’t be in too great of a mood when you got back.
Stop telling her how it went. If she asks she’ll never be happy for you anyway.
Narcissistic behavior
I (f) married a person like my mother. I think you married a person like your dad.
First, congratulations! Driving a stick is a great skill to have, and doing it while learning to drive is no small accomplishment.
I’m sorry your wife rained on your parade. Playing devil’s advocate, she may just be feeling overwhelmed while you’re out with your dad ‘having fun’. Yes, I know you’re not out having a few beers with the boys, but your joy may be triggering for her. Is that right? No, of course not, but she may be spending all her energy points keeping the house running and taking care of three young children and she envies you this time chasing and succeeding at a personal skill.
On the other hand, if this is an ongoing pattern maybe it’s time for a deeper conversation.
INFO: Does this Know It All have a license herself? I’m impressed you passed with a standard.
One night when the kids are in bed and both of you are calm, it would be good to have a non-accusatory conversation with her. Explain that you don’t feel like you’ve had many wins lately — especially with your dad — and that this was a big deal for you. See what she has to say. She may have felt put out that she had to take care of the kids while you did this and was feeling resentful. An honest conversation will help.
So she’s over here managing the 3 kids while you go for driving practice having a grand old time.
You’re 31. You’re both tired. Most 16-year-olds have a driver’s license, and I’d probably roll my eyes at you too.
ChatGPT post
I’m so sorry to pour cold water on this— but you are 31. It’s great you got your license, but while doing so, you’ve unintentionally added a larger workload at home for your wife with the 3 children that you have.
Your disappointment in not being praised or congratulated is understandable to a degree, but while you’re out driving and practicing— your wife is at home with the 3 kids. She did say, she didn’t think this would be helpful, yet you expect her to have a certain positive response to you.
I’m not sure I’d be super enthused if my husband wanted me to take care of everything at home, and then gush over his achievement of learning to drive a car (which most teens learn in a year or two).
I’m not diminishing your achievement, I don’t know where you’re from or what life’s been like, and it sounds like you’re super proud of your accomplishment- and you should be.
I’m just saying to a mother of 3, I can see why it doesn’t seem that impressive— and can see that after a long day of taking care of the home and kids, why she wouldn’t be thrilled to put on a happy face for you over something she doesn’t personally deem important.
That said— she shouldn’t speak down to you. Maybe ask her if there’s anything she needs or is upset about? Sounds like it’s really really not about you finally learning to drive, but everything leading up to it.
Has your wife been driving the family around in the meantime for all the years you didn’t have a license?
She may very well appreciate your learning now while also just wishing it had happened sooner. I’m wondering if she feels like you’re not acting with a ton of urgency on this—maybe a stretch but I don’t recall it taking a long time to get the “bureaucracy” done when I got my license; it was like 2 hours of hanging around at the DMV. She may also wonder if getting lessons from your dad is the best call if she’s someone who has seen you struggling in your relationship with him.
Do I think she handled it well? No. But just some food for thought.
she’s chronically ill, had a hard pregnancy on top of it, isn’t getting any sleep and is being left for at least an hour with 3 kids, you have a dead bedroom, and you’re getting back into religion… she’s not impressed because she’s not impressed. your relationship sounds like it’s on a countdown tbh.
If this isn’t fake, my wife of 30 years is like this. Never a compliment, never even a “how was your day”. Let me tell you, eventually this will wear you down. It will slowly erode your self respect and make you feel really lonely. You need to do some real thinking my friend.