I (45F) have been with my partner (57M) for 3 years. We have a wonderful relationship- honestly the first that I feel myself, that I laugh daily etc. At the beginning, we shared the details of our past “big” relationships. But not the nitty gritty – who we dated briefly etc. Recently, my partner attended a seminar and ran into one of my exes (M57)from 9 years ago. My former “lover” is very personable and they had a positive interaction. He came home and told me about it. I just smiled and laughed. Here is what I need to know: do I need to disclose that this was someone I dated for a few months, and nothing came of it? Professionally they might cross paths again… so should I say something? It’s giving me bad anxiety. I have had a former boyfriend shame me very badly for having had partners and normal experimentations. While I believe my partner now would not judge me in this way, I struggle because pretty much every man I have encountered has some kind of issue around “body counts”.
TL;DR: do I need to disclose casual dating experience to current partner?
Comments
If it bothers you so much, just tell him. It doesn’t hurt anything. It was a few months, and just didn’t go anywhere. You weren’t married, cheated on,etc.
Yes you should.
From your post im assuming when you guys had this talk about your pasts you made it clear that you were just talking about the big relationships. Like you said something like “I had X amount of big relationships and then a few guys that only lasted a few months.”
If you said something like “I only have ever dated guys in long term relationships” and left it like you never did anything small or casual. Then that could cause issues.
The reason you should is because it’s better he hears it from you than finding it out through him. If he trusts you, then he should hav eno problems with this. But if he hears it from someone else, now doubt is always in his mind of why not say anythjing? What else have you not told him?
Say something before they become best buds and he surprises you by bringing his new friend over for a drink. Go up to him and say “hey you know that guy you met. I just want to be honest with you. I know we have discussed our long relationships but I wnat you to know the guy you met is an ex that I dated for maybe a few months. I didnt include him as part of our chat because the relationship was just a few months and not one I really think of anymore because it was shortlived compared to the others. But when you told me you saw him the other day I froze because I didnt want you to feel like I was hiding or lieing. I know I should’ve said it that same day but I just want you to know that so you know.”
Now he can diecdie whetehr he wants this guy around or not.
By all means, you need to talk about it. Even though he’ll probably wonder why it took so long after he told you about meeting him, it’ll end your stress and can move on.
The “body count” discussion is not the same thing as a dating history. Unless your boyfriend is under the impression that you were a virgin when you met him, he’s aware that you have been with other men in the past.
I think you should let your boyfriend know that you dated this guy in the past. If you don’t, and if he runs into this guy again, he may figure it out himself — and then you may look suspicious for not saying anything.
Keep in mind, there’s a difference between saying “Oh, yeah, I briefly dated the guy you just met a few years before you and I met” and “Mmm, you know what [ex’s name] used to do? He’d make me laugh until my sides hurt every time we hung out.”
The former is sharing pertinent info – no more than necessary – at an appropriate time (when it’s relevant). The latter just comes across like you’re comparing your boyfriend to a past lover. I was not bothered when my ex told me she had a dream that she met up for coffee with her ex boyfriend, but I was fairly unsettled when she told me how a different ex liked having his sack squeezed during sex (in response to me telling her that would be agonizing for me). Like sure, that may be true, but did I really need to know that?!
ETA: Most guys don’t want to hear about your past boyfriends, but that doesn’t mean you can’t acknowledge their existence. “We dated” is fine. “He was amazing in bed/such a great cook/so damn clever” is generally unwelcome.
I would just tell him. If it comes up later and you kept it to yourself it could cause issues. Shouldn’t be a big deal