My (26F) boyfriend (27M) and I have been dating for 4 months. I am very much in love and we’ve talked about building a life together. We’ve been friends for over 5 years. A few days ago he told me that his old friend from high school, Anna, messaged him on social media and invited him to be “her plus 1 at her sisters wedding” in August. He agreed to go to the wedding with her and didn’t tell me about it until afterwards.
I have never heard of this girl Anna and apparently it’s because he cut ties with her since his ex thought she was “crazy.” Anna invited him because she and her boyfriend just broke up. He wants to go to the wedding to see her, her family, and possibly other people he knew from high school. He also doesn’t want to cancel because he already agreed to go.
I trust that he wouldn’t cheat on me. But I get the feeling based on Anna’s behavior that she is interested in my boyfriend. I wouldn’t invite a +1 I wasn’t interested in hooking up with unless it was a good friend. I was with bf the other day and Anna was texting him. It made me feel very insecure since I’ve been friends with him for years and he’s never talked about her before.
I feel it’s disrespectful to our relationship to be another girls date to a wedding, especially a girl he hasn’t spoke to in 5 years (she’s not a mutual friend and I’ve never met her. I don’t want to meet her). I don’t like the idea of him being her date for the evening and getting dressed up and walking with her and slow dancing with her. Am I being crazy and jealous?
Am I correct in feeling that his behavior is disrespectful to our relationship? I told him it makes me feel disrespected and his only response was “I understand. After the wedding I will go no contact with her.”
Is this the hill I die on?
Will I get over this after the wedding happens or will I feel contempt?
Comments
Yes its disrespectful, especially as he didnt consult you first. The correct “play” from the boyfriend should be to decline the wedding invite but offer to go and meet up with her/ his mates afterwards (and possibly take you as well to introduce you as his “+1”).
I think a lot depends on the nature of the people at this wedding. Anna might possibly be grasping at straws to find any suitable warm body to be her +1 for this event to avoid the shame of showing up without a date. (I’ve been the only single person at a wedding and trust me there can be a LOT of pressure.)
Or Anna could be trying to rekindle something with your BF. But you don’t know. All you know is that YOU wouldn’t invite someone to be your +1 unless YOU wanted to hook up with them.
Yes, your boyfriend should have discussed this with you. And you should have agreed to let him either do it, if he wanted, or use you as his excuse to say no, if you wanted.
But the two of you have only been together for 4 months. That’s not really long enough for most people to consider it a serious long term relationship. You said that you’re very much in love with him and talking about “building a future together” — are you and your BF even on the same page about this?
Look at it from his perspective. He’s going to the wedding of someone he used to know, going to hang out with people he used to know, in a place where he used to live.
And you haven’t mentioned the biggest thing I would be curious about — are he and Anna going to be sharing a hotel room, or is he going to be staying with friends?
And in my social circles, even sharing a hotel room doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I share hotel rooms with guys a few times a year and nobody thinks anything of it.
But … talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that you’re worried Anna is going to put moves on him. See how he reacts. That should give you a clearer picture.
You’re not crazy, this is just not a good sign at all.
Accepting to be someone’s +1 while you’re dating/without telling you, this is someone who he hasn’t talked to/talked about in 5 Years?? Someone who Just became single again??? And not only that, but you express your discomfort and his response is that he will only go no contact AFTER the wedding??? Just, no.
Probably best to cut your losses early. At “best” this is him just not prioritizing you despite you being together (which is a bad sign for a partner), and at worst there’s something else going on between them and you don’t deserve to be played with like that.
No, you don’t go on a date with somebody when you’re already in a relationship. It’s crossing a boundary.
So he agreed to go to someone else’s wedding as a plus one for someone else and told you about it afterwards?
Ma’am, you do not have a boyfriend.
This isn’t about Anna, it’s about your boyfriend and how he handled things. He’s the one who’s hiding things, not communicating and not adhering to mutual respect within your relationship.
You’re asking relationship advice on Reddit- the answer is almost always gonna be to break up.
It’s not overreacting to be upset that your bf is going on a date with another woman. Bc that’s what this is. He allegedly hasn’t talked to her in a long time but somehow he’s the only person she knows that can go to a wedding with her. Nah
Yes it’s disrespectful and in many ways it would be easier if it hadn’t happened. However, if I were in your partners position I can easily see this as a hill I was willing to die on. He wants to go to see friends he hasn’t seen in years and this is a convenient way to do so.
You have only been dating 4.5 months quite likely his willingness to do this means he feels less strongly about the relationship than you do.
I also don’t think you should tell him not to go. You can tell him how him going makes you feel but giving him an ultimatum not to go is a bad idea. If a partner I had been in a relationship for less than a year gave me an ultimatum i would tell them we are done. Depending on the relationship the act of giving the ultimatum would end the relationship and I’d break up with them even if they withdrew it.
You have limited choices. Trust him and see if he truly goes no contact after the wedding and have some detailed discussions about how his actions made you feel, what your limits are in a relationship, and where you see your relationship going. You can also just break up with him, if this were a years long relationship this would be a fairly significant breach of trust. However for a 4 month old relationship it’s not.
But really I think this means he’s just not that into you.
It’s not the “going to the wedding” part that’s necessarily disrespectful. It’s the “not discussing it with you first” that’s definitely disrespectful.
What should have happened:
(Side note: does Anna know you exist? You didn’t know about her, but that’s because she was out of his life, or so he says. Did he even mention you to her?)
You are a team, or should be. He’s not acting like it.
Did he explain why his ex thought Anna was crazy? I feel like there’s more to this story.
I think there’s more to it than just “my ex said she’s nuts”. This is a girl that clearly didn’t respect his last relationship, and he’s continuing to entertain her. I doubt he ever really cut her out if she’s comfortable asking him to spend an evening with her as her +1. Listen to your gut on this one.